CLEVER MONKEY OF THE WEEK

HOWARD STERN

For heading off to Sirius oblivion and then blaming his fans for not following him

Recently, Howard Stern emerged from his self-imposed exile on Sirius satellite radio to expostulate on the millions of fans who decided not to accompany him there. He decided to blame them, describing each of the conceivably wise holdouts as "You cheap bastard!"

Apparently, he was not able, in the wreck of the wayward ship of his career, to salvage his self-awareness.

Blinded by the daunting light of his own magnificence, the rectitude-bashing loudmouth can’t seem to sit himself down and say, “Howard, you left your fans; they didn’t leave you. Why not apologize to them and tell them you hope to work your way back to where they found you, even if it costs you your pride and some Sirius money?”

Don’t expect the return of the pornographic son too soon. Evidently, his ego has gotten so big it has him pinned to the ground and he can’t get out from under it.

Clearly, it has not occurred to him that infinite need knows no satisfaction. The more butt-kissing he gets, the more he needs.

Of course, the only answer for the rambunctiously tasteless broadcaster's needy desperation is the one that seems way beyond him – the other half of satisfaction, that is, the ancient philosophical injunction to moderate your needs. We wish him luck in realizing that therein lies the vision of himself through the other end of the telescope, where, the smaller he appears to himself, the more enabled he will be to relocate himself and his fans.

Given the current state of his angst, we’re afraid all we can expect is more self-assertive fan bashing, as he grudgingly pockets the $200 million cash-strapped Sirius has contracted to pay him, at least until he realizes he can no longer expect millions of fans, no matter how perversely loyal they are, to pay for a monthly ticket to the tiny island from which he now pontificates.

We must also note that millions more long-suffering but attentive souls who have had to overhear his generally inconsiderate ejaculations for years are absolutely gleeful that he has walked off center stage in the mass media and hope he will decide to settle in on his orbiting soapbox for years to come.

It is, of course, the realization of the boundless delight of his critics that is most likely to inspirit Howard to start swimming back from his Crusoe-like isle of pain toward the fans he so highhandedly abandoned. Better by far to put up with the somewhat flexible strictures of mores-observing providers of a venue that attracts many millions than to find oneself with perfect freedom on a spanking new satellite with only a relatively small crew of listeners.

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