SANELY FUNNY COVER STORY

BIN LADEN SEEKS JOB AT NY PORT

In his continuing effort to avoid capture, Osama Bin Laden realized that, due to the lack of security at the Port of New York, he could not hope to find a safer haven.

He arranged to travel from the remote tribal region of Pakistan to New York on board a freighter, ensconced in a shipping container labeled Oriental Rugs. Immediately upon his arrival at the port, he unrolled the carpet in which he was concealed and the smaller carpets containing his wives and children.

After climbing out of the container, he and his family dusted themselves off from the long ocean voyage and slipped off the ship, unnoticed by the vigilant crew.

He hailed a number of cabs and transported his family downtown, where they saw Ground Zero for the first time.

While he boasted of his handiwork, he felt unexpectedly sad, because he realized that in that gaping hole he had also, in effect, buried his own life.  He did not think of Mohammed at this time, but recalled the great dictum of Plato about natural justice: “You become what you do.”

He sighed at his self-inflicted fate and vowed, like the usual hopeful immigrant, to start a new life in America.

He checked his family into an inconspicuous hotel in Chelsea and, donning a smuggled Yankee baseball cap, he made his way back to the port, where, using one of eight forged passports, he applied for a position as a dock worker.

The young woman in human resources happened to notice his face, and said, “Funny, you look just like Osama Bin Laden.”

“Osama who-in?” Bin Laden asked.

She was persistent and, noticing his baseball cap, was finally able to trap Bin Laden by asking him to name the owner of the Yankees.

He seemed uncertain, and finally blurted out, “Jay Leno.”

Positive she had her man, she immediately excused herself and called her boss, who quickly checked with his boss.  The last person on the rapidly upwardly mobile list knew George Bush from their former days as two happy-go-lucky students in Texas.

He made a quick call to the White House to seek guidance.  After being put on hold for what seemed an interminable wait, a spokesman for the administration informed him, “We don’t see any security risk.  Just make him promise not to bring explosives to work.”

When news of the hire became public, the position of the Bush administration was hotly challenged by all Democrats and one Republican.

The administration continued to defend its approval of the hire, contending that, as an employee, Bin Laden would not do anything that would jeopardize his job, and blowing up the port would definitely come under that heading.

President Bush himself commented on the matter, saying, “The American people finally have Osama Ben Laden where we want him.  His ability to do America harm has been neutralized by his desire to participate in the American dream.  He wants to build a new life here for himself and his family.  So there’s obviously nothing to worry about.”

The president also asked the American public to keep in mind that “This great triumph over terrorism has been accomplished without the American taxpayer having to foot the bill for the $25 million reward for his capture.”

The only complication since his hire is that dockworkers, with an eye to claiming the reward money, have repeatedly volunteered to arrest Bin Laden.  So far Washington has turned a deaf ear to their pleas.

After a long silence, Dick Cheney commented on the matter, saying, “Not paying that exorbitant reward is completely in keeping with our policy of controlling government spending to reduce taxes.”

Apparently proving to be a model worker, Bin Laden was, however, recently disappointed to learn that the Dubai-based company that was to take control of the port, reacting to ongoing congressional and voter concern about the possible increased threat of terrorism, has withdrawn its offer.

He had expected that, with a wealthy Middle Eastern company in charge, he would have an inside track to management.

He confided to this reporter, “I’ll just have to adjust my timeframe for moving up the corporate ladder.  With the port under American management, I’ve obviously got my work cut out for me.”

Bin Laden’s employment at the port continues to stir debate in Congress.  The controversy is also being fueled by the vocal dockworkers, who insist they have the right to arrest him and split the reward money.

President Bush refuses to reconsider his position, stating, “You don’t fire a person who’s doing a good job just because his name is Bin Laden.  That sends the wrong signal to our allies in the war on terror.”

Reached at press time, Bin Laden said, “I’ve thought a lot of things about George Bush.  But I never thought I’d owe him my freedom.”

RETURN TO HOME