The Sanely Funny Humor Magazine

 

THEORY OF EVOLUTION CHALLENGED BY FRENCH CHEF
CITES ROLE OF FOOD AND WINE

While The Theory of Evolution has received numerous challenges since Darwin proposed it, none seems to have taken the scientific community with such devastating surprise as the theory recently proposed by a French Chef from Bordeaux.

The Chef, Andre Dumier, who operates a One Star Michelin restaurant just outside the city of Bordeaux, advanced the theory after contemplating what he considers the first requirement in the various stages of evolution – the availability of food. We were fortunate in being able to arrange an exclusive Newslaugh interview. The complete text follows.

Newslaugh: We understand you have proposed a radical revision of Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. Would you please explain your theory?

Dumier: But, of course, monsieur. The great flaw in Darwin’s Theory is that he puts Natural Selection before the existence of food to select.

Newslaugh: Say, that’s interesting. Can you elaborate?

Dumier: It is my pleasure to do so. To me his Theory of Evolution does not make a primary place for the absolute necessity of food. Let me explain. Do you think the fish evolved in the ocean before there was plankton for them to dine on? Of course, not. They would have starved! And, if they could not survive, how could you have Survival of the Fittest?

Newslaugh: Do you have an alternate theory to propose?

Dumier: Oui, monsieur. Survival of the Fullest. To my mind, it is the more correct idea.

Newslaugh: Yes, we can see your point. How do you account for the fact that animals eventually emerged from the sea and populated the land?

Dumier: Think for yourself! Do you suppose they would have crawled out onto the land if there was no food waiting for them? No, no! They went up onto the land because they knew there was food there, just waiting for them to bite into and enjoy!

Newslaugh: May we ask how they found out it was there?

Dumier: Well, I wasn’t present at the time, but I will tell you my thought. Some food got blown into the water, no doubt a delectable plant or so. Perhaps a legume. Maybe during a rainstorm a truffle got washed in. These primitive fish took a taste. They liked it and wanted more. But they couldn’t go get it.

Newslaugh: Why is that?

Dumier: Why else? They had no legs, a deficiency that brings us to how such things really evolved.

Newslaugh: How is that?

Dumier: Think, monsieur! Since they needed legs to get to the food, they grew them. Then they walked out and chowed down.

Newslaugh: How do you think they eventually became exclusively land-based animals?

Dumier: For the same reason that you go to the grocery store every week. There is a lot of food and you can pick it up without having to be concerned that somebody else will snatch it out of your hand. They noticed they were the only diners on land, whereas in the primal ocean, there were millions of fish, competing for every morsel and a big one might even dine on you. But on the land? No, such worries. There they beheld, not only the plentiful food, but, at least for the short term, the absence of competition for it.

Newslaugh: So your theory is that evolution was originally driven by the availability of food?

Dumier: But, of course! Look even at the world today. Wherever there is a speck of food, for example, even lichen in the tiniest crack in a rock, some little bug or bird evolves to eat it. But first must come the food!

Newslaugh: How do you account for the evolution of homo sapiens?

Dumier: My good man, look for yourself! The proof is right before your eyes. You have seen the famous cave paintings at Lascaux?

Newslaugh: Yes, we’re familiar with them.

Dumier: Well, then, think about the famous Hall of the Bulls. Why do you think those primitive inhabitants were drawing bulls? Because they like bulls? No, because they were thinking about steak for dinner! But, actually, food is only the more primitive aspect of my theory.

Newslaugh: Please, elaborate.

Dumier: When the Neanderthals or some earlier hominids discovered fire, what do you think is the first thing they thought of, eh? Voila! Now we can cook our food! No more raw meat for us. So they began to roast and broil! Do you know how different that is? Homo sapiens is the only creature who cooks his food! Fish can’t cook in the water, because if they try to boil it they get poached. And can you imagine, for example, foxes gathered around a fire, roasting a rack of lamb? No, cooking is purely an aspect of human behavior.

Newslaugh: Yes, that’s true. But certainly there’s more to the evolution of man – and woman – than food?

Dumier: Of course, of course. And that brings us to the big question? The final step toward homo sapies. These primitives asked, ‘What next?’ At this point, they were ready, in Hegelian terms, to make the next big leap in self-realization.

Newslaugh: What was that?

Dumier: They noticed grapes. They liked to eat them and savor the juice, but there is, after all, so little of the delectable nectar in a single grape. So they decided to squeeze a batch of them to have more. Then a female – or perhaps a less-warlike male who was tending the cave while the strong guys were out hunting for dinner - accidentally, or perhaps as an inspiration, dropped in some yeast. And what do you think? Voila again! Only this time vin! They discovered wine.

Newslaugh: Hmm, I suppose it might well have happened that way.

Dumier: Yes, yes, why do you think we still age wine in a cave? But now you see the entire picture, do you not? There they are, these ancestors of ours, sitting in a cave around a fire, roasting steaks and drinking wine. How much of a step do you think it is beyond these nascent gourmets to homo sapiens as we know and feed him today?

Newslaugh: Yes, of course. But now that you have propounded your theory, what do you propose to do about the controversy you have created?

Dumier: The best thing I can do. Just keep cooking and serving wine at my wonderful Michelin-rated restaurant. I must leave the scientific soufflé I have whipped up at the Sorbonne and elsewhere to the scientists.

Newslaugh: What if your theory is refuted?

Dumier: Refuted for whom, monsieur? Never for me! Whatever the experts decide, I will continue to believe that you cannot have a proper Theory of Evolution unless you make a primary place for the necessity of food and, later, for the delights of wine.

Newslaugh: Thank you, Chef Dumier. It has been a pleasure talking with you.

Dumier: You’re most welcome. But, my good man, talk about pleasure, may I invite you to stay for dinner? This evening I am making some of my exquisite roti du boef, which will go quite well with an elegant Bordeaux.

By Tom Attea

RETURN HOME