Iraq Opens Suicide Bomber Range;
Calls It Twice-Blessed Paradise Express
In an effort to reduce the loss of life and limb by suicide bombers, the Iraqi government has opened a suicide bomber range. The government's intention is to encourage all those who are determined to carry out such an explosive termination to execute the insane plan in a way that is being hailed as twice-blessed.
The government maintains that it will be blessed because, one, the bombers will be carrying out their hope of putting themselves on the expressway to the paradise of their dreams and, two, they will accomplish their mission without blasting off with anyone else.
As Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki stated, "We have established a way for the suicide bombers to achieve their highest goal in a far more considerate way; now, they can blow themselves up in sanctimonious privacy.”
A suicide bomber, who had arrived to take advantage of the new opportunity, said, “I think the government did a great thing. Just think! Now, I get to blow myself up, which I long to do so much I can't express the intensity of my need. But now, while the end will be the same for me, I won’t have to kill anybody else to get to paradise.”
The government also touted the range as an ideal opportunity for suicide bombers to execute their plans while they provided themselves with some insurance against the misfortune that, should they meet Allah and discover He actually disapproves of anyone blowing other human beings, they might escape the severe condemnation attendant to detonating others.
A suicide bomber commented, "I like that it comes with an insurance policy against any possible disapproval by Allah. If by some chance He disapproves of one human being blowing up himself and other human beings, at least, I'll only be punished for blowing up myself. It removes a lot of concerns."
Prime Minister al-Maliki went on to say, “In an effort to achieve reconciliation, we must stop the murder of Iraqi by Iraqi, as well as, come to think of it, the murder of anybody by an Iraqi, including the murder of coalition troops, who are here to help us make a smooth transition to a peaceful and prosperous nation, not to mention protecting me and the government from coming to a premature end due to the various activities of insurgents, including their suicide bombers.”
Another suicide bomber who decided to take advantage of the new opportunity said, “I think this approach is wonderful. I get to blow myself up, which I long to do so much, and I can go to paradise as soon as my timer reaches zero. At the same time I won’t inconvenience anyone else with my detonation. It really makes the most sense; the end will be the same for me, and, just think, I won’t have to kill anybody else to head for heavenly bliss.”
He seemed about to say something else, but, unfortunately, his timer hit zero.
President Bush told reporters, “I think a private detonation range for suicide bombers is a real breakthrough in the peace process. I encourage all would-be bombers to take advantage of this considerate opportunity. In fact, I encourage every country that has experienced the tragedy inflicted by suicide bombers to immediately establish its own suicide bomber range.”
Donald Rumsfeld stated, “Oh, I consider the suicide bomber range a wonderful solution to one of the thorniest and intractable problems we face in Iraq. I have instructed General Casey to cooperate fully and, if necessary, to provide assistance in terms of dynamite and timers. I just hope the practice catches on enough to get the SB’s off the street. I can’t tell you how it upsets me to see people being blown up every day.”
While the bomber range is certainly a regrettable development in terms of the more promising sensibilities of civilization, it may at least be seen, in the dismal brutality of its context, as an intensely rational response to inexcusably irrational behavior.
By Tom Attea