The Sanely Funny Humor Magazine

 

America May Become Nonaligned Nation;
Cites Worldwide Ingratitude

In case you haven’t heard, there is a brash new movement afoot to make America a nonaligned nation. The principal motivation behind the movement is worldwide ingratitude for the sacrifices America has made for the benefit of other nations, while getting back precious little in return, materially or even in simple gratitude.

Certainly, the group maintains, the payback in either form has hardly been commensurate with the sacrifices America has made in life and treasure. The members cite, for example, the summit of nonaligned nations in Cuba, where the attendees, who Jimmy Cagney might have called “you dirty, double-crossin’ rats,” delighted to blow Cuban cigar smoke at the U. S.

Raul Castro, the distinguished and penniless stand-in for his equally distinguished and penniless older brother, evoked the enthusiastic applause characteristic of a pent-up need for self-justification when he said that the world today is shaped by the United States' "irrational pretensions for world dominance…. When there no longer is a Cold War, the United States spends one billion dollars a year in weapons and soldiers and it squanders a similar amount in commercial publicity. To think that a social and economic order that has proven unsustainable could be maintained by force is simply an absurd idea."

Responding to the comment, a leader of the movement to make America a nonaligned nation, said, “OK, Raul, we heard you. So come on. Launch another boatload of refugees to bring us to our knees.”

The new movement, which traces its origins back to the will of the founding founders, who proclaimed that America should avoid permanent foreign entanglements, is preparing a new flag, much like the familiar Colonial rallying cry in cloth: "Don't Tread On Me." It is being sewn by a gifted seamstress in New England, named Victoria Albatross. The flag will highlight the sentiment of the movement, “Suckered In Never Again!”

The powers that divide Washington, stung by America’s series of military missteps abroad, have already begun to express private support for the innovative return of America to the sentiments of its founders and the entirely radical idea that its citizens actually may have a right to "life, liberty, and [of all things] the pursuit of happiness," instead of the wearisome and thankless burdens of trying to conduct the world in its own image.

Even George Bush, caught in an off-handed moment as he returned from a bike ride in Crawford, Texas, said, “I’m usually not a fan of movements, unless it’s a movement to elect me or some other Republican, regardless of how big a jackass he is. But, given the extent to which I’ve been suckered in in Iraq, this movement has a lot of appeal.”

“Why, George?” his wife inquired, when he lightly poked her with his elbow.

“I’m glad you asked that, Laura,” he told her. Then, sounding every bit like a born-again American, he admitted, “I know my job is to protect Americans. I used to think that means kicking butt militarily. Now, I think it’s to kick butt economically, especially before Detroit goes completely out of business and China opens up factories in every nonaligned nation before we get around to it. So I’ve asked my speechwriters to help me make the transition. I want to tell every nation, ally or not, and especially the ingrates at that Fidel fest in Cuba, look here: you want us to help your nation do better, what are you willing to ante up? We accept two kinds of payment: money from the rich and loyalty from the poor.”

In an unusual sign of political amity, Ted Kennedy took off a moment from his usual disgruntled bluster over one ineffectual Democratic advocacy or another, and said, “As you know, I came from a wealthy family, so I’m aware that economic success comes with a lot of perks. Right now, we’re squandering our resources, while other countries are eating our lunch. Before it’s lights out in America, because we can’t pay the electric bill anymore, we need to concentrate on the only thing that can make the country successful enough to take care of its own poor, not to mention its potholes, and that's worldwide economic leadership.”

Dick Cheney, interviewed at an undisclosed location while cleaning his quail gun, said, “I’ve been in Washington so long I almost forgot what it’s like to be a good businessman. This movement made me think, Hey, I’m the kind of guy who can get this right, because what is really called for is the biz savvy to conduct America, Inc. Now that I caught on, I may even consider running for president in ’08, providing, of course, my stent holds out.”

A well-know professor of geopolitics, Fred Fulbright, who is often tapped by the White House for disagreeable opinions, noted, “I’m glad the door to what has been the dismally dark room of official American political thought has at least opened a crack. People in Washington are beginning to see, even in the sliver of light that’s finally illuminating their vision, that most nations want economic success, even those cigar-huffing dissenters in Cuba – and economic success is just what America is equipped to help them enjoy. Forget military empire. We have nothing less than the opportunity to be history’s first economic empire. The prospects are, I think, inspiring.”

A variety of CEO’s have also stepped forward to endorse the movement. Steve Jobs stated, “It’s about time we started to operate this country on principles that are far more likely to win us a world of genuine allies and, yes, even some of that elusive sentiment called gratitude. What we’ve been doing is called taking your eye off the ball or not minding the store. I can tell you that nothing makes people more grateful than helping them have a chicken in every pot and an iPod in every ear.”

Arts groups, immediately going past the advantages of switching from being just another military empire to a uniquely successful economic empire, were more wary, with the head of The National Endowment, saying, “A country that concentrates on economic success has to ask itself a question. What does it want to see when it confronts its own soul – economic barbarism or cultural excellence? That’s my way of saying, as part of all the success, I could use a budget.”

The movement, encouraged by the widespread early show of support, hopes to ask for a national referendum on the issue, even though its members are confident Gallup, Pew, and Zogby will announce the results several times before the actual election confirms their projection.

By Tom Attea

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