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IRAN MAY BECOME 51ST STATE. ONLY SAFE WAY TO GET NUKES.

The crafty Iranian leadership, rethinking their agenda of reckless self-endangerment – such as their inevitably suicidal attempt to gain nuclear weapons and their calculated meddling in Iraq – have decided that the safer course of action may be to apply for U. S. statehood.

Upon admission as the 51st state, Iran would become a nuclear power without the possibility of being attacked, at least, by the United States, and George Bush could order the governor of Iran to keep his state's conniving hands out of Iraq.

In fact, as the 51st state, Iran would transform the United States from being any sort of threat to being obligated to defend it as much as it's prepared to defend Texas.

Of course, if Iran’s initiative toward U. S. statehood is to stand a chance for Congressional approval, Iran and America will obviously have to make some mutual accommodations. For instance, Iran will have to fly the American flag in the state capital, most likely Tehran, and America will have to find a place for the Iranian flag in Washington, as well as the addition of a 51st star to Old Glory.

On being questioned about Iran’s possible movement toward statehood, Iranian President Mamoud Ahmadinejad stated, “I have considered the idea of U. S. statehood very carefully and I actually find merit in it, especially since our Assembly of Experts and our Expediency Discernment Council have both advised me that they find merit in it. Should the United States be fortunate enough to have Iran as the 51st state, my hope is that I’ll be elected governor of Iran, just as George Bush was the governor of Texas. Then I’ll finally have some influence on American policy.”

President Bush, on hearing about the rumored Iranian initiative, responded, “I’m skeptical that it can work. Frankly, I don’t see how a Persian nation can fit in. But, as always, I’m open minded. So I’m willing to consider the benefits, if anybody can point one out. Until then, my assumption is there’s a less diplomatic answer.”

Surprisingly, Dick Cheney did not immediately dismiss the idea, commenting, “Much as I am inclined to oppose statehood for Iran, I am aware that, should that remote possibility become a reality, it would add significantly to U. S. oil reserves.”

Supreme Iranian leader Ali Khamenei, otherwise known as President Ahmadinejad’s boss, while suspected of having his last liberal thought at the age of five, voiced guarded interest in American statehood for Iran, saying, “I’m not sure how comfortable I’d be as an American Islamic cleric but, as such, I would be able to address the infidels over there as my fellow Americans. I would even be able to say politically correct things like, ‘Allah bless America.’ Such heaven-sent opportunities might increase my chances of converting America to Islam.”

The former President of Iran and mild-mannered reformer, Mohammad Khatami, who is now serving as chairman of the Militant Clerics League, was jubilant; in fact, when hearing about the remote possibility of a statehood initiative, he leaped up from his prayer rug so enthusiastically that his turban flew off. Replacing it, he commented, “What an astonishing turn of events! As you know, I have often been considered pro-Western, which largely accounts for my political defeat in the presidential election. But, should Iran become a state, my stance will not make me so much of a political pariah; in fact, I can go from being pro-Western all the way to being pro-American.”

And the Deputy Chairman of the Assembly of Experts and Chairman of the Expediency Discernment Council, oil millionaire and devoted mullah Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, commented, “I have advised the Assembly and the Council and anybody else who will listen that I do find some interesting possibilities in the idea of American statehood and will continue to find them as long as, after I’m an American, I can become the chairman of Exxon-Mobil.”

Of course, should Iran decide to move forward with its initiative to become the 51st state, the motion will have to be debated by the U. S. Congress. As usual, Democrats and Republicans have expressed divergent views on the issue.

Senator Harry Reid, D-Nevada, said, “We in the senate know quite well all the things the Iranians have been doing that upset us. You may also have noticed that the Bush administration has been powerless to stop them. While such confrontational behavior may hurt Iran’s chances for passage of a statehood bill, should it somehow pass, I can see that having some Iranians in Congress might make Tehran more responsive.”

On the other hand, Senator Trent Lott, R-Mississippi, expostulated, “The entire idea of Iran as a state of the Union is preposterous. I mean, how can you welcome people into these United States who shout things like ‘death to America? And what’s that language they speak, Farsi? And I’ll bet, even after they’re Americans, they won’t let their women wear dresses.”

Meanwhile, Britain, miffed over Tehran’s arrest of 15 British sailors for allegedly trespassing on Iranian waters and the arrogant manner of their release, expressed enthusiasm for the possibility of Iranian statehood, with Prime Minister Tony Blair noting, “The rather curious effort by Iran to become the 51st state is a welcome way to prevent any further meddling with our navy in the Persian Gulf, principally because British sailors have not been arrested in American waters since the Revolutionary War.”

Of course, Iran’s application can only commence after Supreme leader Ali Khamenei tells everybody else in Iran that the idea is OK with him.

His final word may be forthcoming sooner than later, since the Iranians are well aware that, if they do file a formal application for statehood, they will have to contend with Congress, which is the only body that can rival them for stalling on an issue.

By Tom Attea

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