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U. N. Identifies Three New Human Sources Of Global Warming

The United Nations startled the world community today by identifying three new human sources of global warming.

Naming names, the study identified them as Molten Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hot Hugo Chavez, and Volcanic Vladimir Putin.

Presenting the new study, Ban Ki-Moon, the Secretary-General of the U. N, stated, “While we previously determined that human activity accounts for global warming, we mistakenly believed the main source is the burning of fossil fuels. As a result of this new study, we are drawing up a revised Kyoto protocol that calls upon these three overheated human beings to reduce the soaring temperatures of their speeches.”

The scientist who headed up the study, Theodore Lowe, Ph. D., noted, “The evidence is conclusive. Every time one of these three hot-headed leaders makes a speech a glacier melts. Obviously, this catastrophic environmental mayhem must be stopped!”

Al Gore observed, “When I was a politician, I felt like blowing my top plenty of times. But once I learned how important it is for every one of us to do what he can about global warming, I’ve become a carbon-free speaker. I haven’t lost my temper once. In fact, I’ve become so cool sometimes I may appear to be asleep. But I promise you my eyes are always at least half open.”

When presented with the environmental consequences of his heated ways, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad exploded, “I don’t care if I my am melting glaciers or even if I dry up an occasional oasis. I defend the right of the Iranian nation to speak out for its rights. Furthermore, I will never sign a protocol that prevents Iran from moving ahead with its nukes-for-peace plan.”

Asked about the new report from U. S. intelligence agencies that Iran actually halted its efforts to develop a nuclear weapon in 2003, he heatedly replied, “And why do you suppose we did that? We didn’t have enough enriched uranium. As soon as we do, I invite your intelligence agencies to make a new assessment.”

Hugo Chavez was his typical fiery self. “I admit I’m a big source of global warming. When I don’t get my way, I get hot as hell. I especially can’t resist making inflammatory speeches about George Bush. But notice how calm I was when my country voted against my plan to become president for life. I ate humble empanada. I only did this because I knew the U. N. has identified me as harmful to the environment, and I always want to be welcome there, so I can attack George Bush in his own backyard.”

Vladimir Putin, usually the coolest and most cunning provocateur of the three, maintained his calm at first but grew increasingly agitated. “How can the U. N. accuse me of melting glaciers or even a single iceberg? I am such a smooth operator I haven’t even raised the average temperature of the Russian winter. But now that my party has just won the election by a landslide, I can say, if the US puts a missile defense system in any of the former Soviet bloc nations, I will denounce the event so volcanically that the missiles will explode on their launching pads.”

The U. N. hopes to apply diplomatic pressure on the three in the hope that they will sign the new protocol while there is still at least one glacier left.

By Tom Attea