SANELY FUNNY COVER STORY

George Bush Speeds Toward Political Success In Iraq

There are many synonyms for the word “stubborn,” often derived from reference to the mule. As we go along, we invite you to pop in the one you feel is most appropriate.

The Iraqi resistance to political success is contentiously mule-headed, but George Bush is so determined to get the factions moving that he seems to be sprouting his own telltale ears.

Imagine! Here are the Iraqis – a disputatious troika of Shiites, Sunnis, and Kurds – with the promise of a free and prosperous nation before them, but they just can’t bring themselves to put aside their self-interested agendas and pull together. And here is George Bush, cracking the whip as if the mulish sectarians can somehow transform themselves into a team of dutiful dray horses.

Of course, we understand that the political leaders in Iraq know well that their support depends on their fellow vigilant and self-seeking sectarians, whose agendas they can only moderate at their own political peril – and, given the explosive means of disagreement in Iraq, very likely at the peril of their lives.

Thankfully, at least a smattering of George Bush’s fellow republicans are beginning to side with the insufficiently effectual Democrats and vote to let the President know it’s past time for him to get off the buckboard and startle the Iraqi mules by letting them know their future is under their own hooves.

He has, at least, presented the Iraqi government with a timeline to achieve certain milestones, but his own dug-in stubbornness mocks the idea that there aren’t extensions in the offing.

True, just recently the Iraqi government passed a draft of an oil-revenue sharing bill, which Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki called “the most important law in Iraq.” But it was passed with the Sunny bloc boycotting the session, when the Sunnis are the very ones the Shiites and Kurds need to participate in the reconciliation process. Making the breakthrough seem unlikely, the very next day there were reports that the disputatious asses had not actually agreed on the measure.

Imagine America’s Founding Fathers debating, as the most important matter on their urgent agenda, a formula for revenue sharing.

Certainly, the citizens of Iraq, our own soldiers, and the citizens of the US at large deserve more than to be asked to be patient while all we hear is unproductive whinnying. We’ve said for a long time that these sectarians need to fight out their differences on their own until they realize their common interests are their only hope.

The more radical among them might also realize that they are the dupes of an impossible dream, hyped by the evidently delusional Ayman al-Zawahiri, who has now announced in a video that the Islamic caliphate he longs for is already set up in Iraq and that the collapse of the West is imminent.

What this isolated man and his rabid followers need is a reformative reality check, like a visit to the thriving metropolises of the West. Having observed the enormity and prosperity of these cities, they might even decide that for their own good they ought to take their little selves home and work toward the economic success of their own people.

But back to the main mules and the mule driver.

Far too many of our troops have died and been wounded to give the Iraqi government time to get their act together. We’ve also expended so much of our national treasure on them that we can’t even afford to fund healthcare for our own citizens.

What about the argument that, if we depart too soon, Al-Qaeda in Iraq will take over? Give this boondoggle a rest. The Iraqis have too much national pride to let such a disgrace descend on them. We can already see their tribal chiefs turning on Al-Qaeda.

The longer Bush insists on whipping the Iraqi government into the enormous agenda of cooperative achievements required for successful nationhood, the longer his own ears will appear to grow.

The truth obtains for the argumentative mules and the insistent mule driver: jackass behavior begets a jackass destiny.

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