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Militants Vow To Export Products That Can Be Sold At Wal-Mart

Islamic Militants, on the run even in Iraq for their explosive means of persuasion, are just now realizing that their dream of a Pan-Islamic world may well hinge on, not their ability to export terrorists, but to create products that can be sold at Wal-Mart.

The realization came to none other than Osama Bin Laden when, disguised as an overweight female shopper from Nebraska, he entered a Wal-Mart to buy some badly needed deodorant, along with perfume for his four wives. It was in selecting fragrances for his wives that the insight dawned on him.

In surveying the various offerings, he noted that there were not only American perfumes but French ones. Feeling he might be onto something, he put his choices in his cart and then went browsing. In the electronics department, he noted the Japanese and entries. Next, he examined the food shelves and saw Greek olives. And in the toy section, he noticed a myriad of plastic figures that were made in China.

Then the principal behind his discoveries came to him: the more successful a nation is, the more likely it is to have products for sale at Wal-Mart.

Reconsidering his vision of a Pan-Islamic world, he realized the hopelessness of such a grand scheme as long as the entire Islamic world did not have even one product for sale at the telltale chain.

The phrase came to him, “All power comes out of the pockets of consumers at Wal-Mart.”

And he vowed right then and there that Al-Qaeda should lead the Muslim world in the manufacture of things that achieve distribution on the chain’s coveted shelves.

He hurriedly paid for his deodorant and his wives’ fragrances, thanking Allah that his overdressed lovelies had asked him to shop for them. Then he rushed from the store, jumped into his armored Lexus, and drove back to his hideout on a wheat farm.

As he zipped along the highway, his mind penetrated even deeper into the superiority of an economic initiative. He pondered the curious relationship between the essentially nonexistent economies of the Middle East, except for pumping oil that happened to be in the ground, and the nonexistence of Islamic products that have achieved Wal-Mart status.

Calculating with unusual perspicacity, he realized that, if militants could help solve the economic desperation of most people in the Middle East, they would be far more likely to attract adherents, particularly compared to blowing them up.

Furthermore, he realized that a shortage of religious beliefs in the Middle East was not the primary concern. There were, in fact, enough of those, even for him, when compared with the shortage of manufacturing jobs.

Thrilled by his radical new vision, he arranged an urgent meeting of other militants who were also in hiding in Nebraska, among them Al-Qaeda’s expressionless TV pundit, Amin Al-Zawahiri.

He explained the new strategy. At first, there was some discussion about whether or not Allah would approve of economic well-being. It might lead to overindulgence, like the purchase of sunglasses and, worse yet, tropical drinks.

The question turned on Bin Laden’s point that the more economic success Al-Qaeda had, the more Korans they could buy to put in drawers of motels across the world and finally displace the Gideon Bible.

That seemed to clinch his argument, and now all of the other militants in his close-knit band of sequestered terrorists became excited, too.

Imagine, they enthused, the prospect of thriving economies in the Middle East and the fact that they could take credit for initiating the breakthrough. What undreamed-of power!

Now, all that remained was to devise the products that could succeed for them. The group immediately began to brainstorm ideas.

Of course, only time will tell how successful the new Al-Qaeda venture will be, but they were now certain of one thing: exporting products and achieving economic success was a far more powerful idea than exporting fellow militants to blow themselves and other people up.

After all, now they were talking about a fellow militant who could be a productive worker in a Middle East factory and infidels who could now be the valuable thing their new vision depended on: customers.

By Tom Attea