DREADLINE

Iraq Soccer Team Wins Asian Cup; May Replace Government

The unprecedented win of the Asian Cup by Iraq’s soccer team created new hope in Iraq for a coalition government that could actually work together to solve the divided nation’s explosive problems –specifically, replacing the government with the soccer team.

The besieged citizens of Iraq reason that, since the soccer team could only win with teamwork, they seem to possess the necessary ingredient the government lacks.

Commenting on the move to replace the government with the soccer team, Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, commented, “I don’t see how a bunch of kids, whose greatest accomplishment is scoring a goal with a head shot, can possibly be qualified to run the government. Here you have to be able to do much more with your head, like bury it in the sand.”

Confuting him, the player who scored the winning goal and is slated to replace him as Prime Minister, stated, “On the other hand, I myself don’t see how a bunch of adults, whose greatest accomplishment is putting their sectarian interests ahead of the nation’s welfare, can possibly continue to run the Iraqi government. What this country needs is a government that knows what good sportsmanship is. ”

Should the soccer team take over, there is widespread hope that the country can finally get some real movement on issues the current government seems incapable of dealing with. For example, three key issues are agreeing to disarm the militias, dividing up the oil revenue equitably, and improving female fashions.

These seemingly insoluble issues obviously fly in the face of al-Maliki’s key supporters – the faction loyal to the principal perpetrator of divisiveness, the calculating cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, who is hoping for failure so he can step in and save the nation as a Shiite ally of clerics in Iran who look like him. Thankfully, however, he is too fat to play soccer.

Now the only question that remains is, when will the winning soccer team get its chance to sock it to the disagreements that continue to divide their country?

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