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SADDAM HUSSEIN SEEKS MCDONALD’S FRANCHISE

Saddam Hussein, in his latest bid to escape execution for crimes against his own people, has reportedly applied to McDonald’s for a franchise.

The application is widely regarded as a move by his defense team to convince the court that, if his life is spared, he will be a model citizen in the Iraq of the future. 

In his application, Hussein states that he has a great deal of fast-food experience from his months on the run.  He also states that, if granted the franchise, he will cease and desist from the sort of pathological social behavior that brings into question his qualifications to be a reputable franchisee. 

He has applied for a location in Bagdad that affords a view of one of his former palaces, so he might find peace in reminiscence as he flips burgers. Upon approval by McDonald’s, the agreement will be submitted to the court. 

At that time, the defense is expected to claim that he should be acquitted on the grounds that there is no precedent whatsoever for hanging a McDonald’s franchisee.

Depending on the reception the court gives to Hussein’s plea, his codefendants may or may not submit franchisee approvals for their own defense.  There is also some disagreement among them as to whether or not they should try to corner the McDonald’s market or have the courage to compete with their former boss by opening rival chains, such as Burger King and Wendy’s. 

One defendant is reportedly considering an Appleby’s franchise, apparently because of a misunderstanding.  He wishes one day to be accepted as “American as apple pie” and is unaware that the chain is, in reality, just another burger joint.

Ramsey Clark states, “The move by Hussein to become a McDonald’s franchisee clearly indicates that he intends to reform himself and should be given opportunity to be a prosperous everyday citizen.”

Should Hussein be approved for the franchise and be acquitted, many Sunnis have voiced their eagerness to patronize the former dictator’s restaurant, but a majority of Shiites and Kurds are threatening to boycott it. 

The American military has expressed concern about possible reprisals, particularly the threat of suicide bombers disguised as patrons in the Drive-Thru.  

Hussein brushed off the potential threat, saying he expected that, as a reputable business operator, he would be granted a license to keep an assault rifle under the counter.

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