DREADLINE OF THE WEEK

ITALIAN CATHOLIC CONVERTS TO ISLAM.
POPE SCHEDULES LUNCH.

We have all read about Koran-toting Muslim clerics inciting their dependently under-informed adherents to call for the execution of the hapless Afghan man who converted from Islam to Christianity, along with incendiary yelps for the death of all Christians. 

In welcome contrast to their unbrotherly behavior, we are delighted to report that we now have cause for a respite from what we might call the Middle Eastern Middle Ages, and our rather unlikely benefactor is none other than the usually acutely conservative Pope Benedict. 

It seems that, upon hearing of the surprising conversion of an Italian Catholic to Islam, he simply asked to have lunch with the convert, so he might understand why the gentleman had made such a choice.

Yes, at long last, this well-intentioned prelate has done something besides take evasive or wrongheaded steps in the face of the child-abuse scandals that have embarrassed the Roman church or defend the celibacy that has led to a priesthood populated with men who have opted out of normal family life.  In short, the Pope has remembered the admirable, though at times historically questioned, charitableness of Christ. 

By so doing he has blessedly outshone the hardheartedness of the mullahs who are clamoring for the execution of the “insane” Iraqi convert, who was arrested after the police found him with that generally inoffensive item, a Bible.  One must, of course, ask, how could Mohammed have made his many endorsements in the Koran of the teachings of Moses and Christ if he himself did not read that currently forbidden tome?    

But back to the Pope’s astonishing act of understanding and brotherliness. 

Not wishing to burden the questing soul with a trip to Rome, the Pope asked to be driven to Parma, where the curious convert lives. 

The two had lunch, on the Pope, at a neighborhood trattoria, which has an inviting outdoor café in the rear, shaded by a canopy of grape vines. 

Their conversation, as recorded by a Vatican stenographer, who, out of deference to their guest, ordered proscuitto and melon, was a commendable model of tolerance that, in our religiously divisive time, begs to be presented in full:

Pope: May I ask why you converted to Islam?

Convert: Yes.  I’m flattered you want to know and privileged to be in your company.

Pope:  Thank you.  Please, go on.

Convert:  Yes, your Excellency.  You see, I’m in the proscuitto business.  It’s an important business in Parma.  In fact, proscuitto is, as I’m sure your Excellency knows, often referred to as Parma ham. 

Pope: Yes, I know that, even if I’m not Italian.

Convert:  Good.  Well, making ham that good for so many generations doesn’t happen by accident.  You really have to believe in what you’re doing.  To put it bluntly, making ham almost has to become your religion.

Pope:  Really?

Convert:  Yes.  Notice I said “almost.”  Well, at least, to me.  Now, I’m not too educated in anything but the proscuitto business, but I have a mind that likes to ask questions.  Some people say I think too much.  But I consider my mind a blessing from God.  So I like to use it.  

Pope: Good for you.  Please, go on.

Convert: Yes, your Excellency.  Well, one day I said to myself, I’m a Catholic like all of my family and neighbors, because I was born that way. But what does being a Catholic have to do with making ham?  Christ, I remember from my childhood education, liked fish.  So I started to look around at other religions and I came across this one called Islam.  Right away I realized I had more in common with it than I do with the Catholic religion.

Pope: May I ask why?

Convert: I was just about to tell you.  I realized it has a name that rhymes with ham.  Islam, ham!  It seemed made for me.

Pope: Just because the name Islam rhymes with ham?

Convert: Well, you see, that’s a big thing with me.  Now, I can tell people I make ham and I believe in Islam.  They seem to go together.

Pope:  Have you ever read the sacred book of Islam?

Convert:  They have a book, too?

Pope:  Yes.  It’s much like The Bible, but it was written later. 

Convert:  Thanks for telling me.  What’s it called?

Pope: The Koran.

Convert: Never heard of it.  But I’ll check it out at the local library.  What’s it about?

Pope: Well, like any book of religion, it talks about God and our relation to him.  The writer, named Mohammed, often refers to Moses and Christ and recognizes them as his predecessors.

Convert:  Really?  I didn’t know. 

Pope:  Yes.  That’s one of the reasons it’s very hard to understand why people who believe in Islam, especially the mullahs and terrorists who claim to know its holy book very well, don’t embrace the people who follow the teachings of Moses and Christ as brothers and sisters in faith. 

Convert: That makes good sense to me.  So we can still be friends?

Pope: Of course.  We are all the children of the same God, no matter how we choose to worship, or even not to worship.

Convert: I’m glad you said that.  If you don’t mind my saying so, you sound like a pretty nice guy.  Hey, maybe I should have stayed with you.

Pope: Thank you very much.  That’s the nicest thing you could have said to me.  And let me assure you, if you ever change your mind, the door is wide open for your return.

Convert:  Great!  Boy, you’re such a swell guy, now I almost regret I converted to Islam.  I’m not too happy about the way some Muslims are killing other Muslims and Christians, too, because they don’t believe in exactly the same things.  I think that’s baloney, and I never liked baloney.

Pope: I don’t think you would.  You’re a proscuitto man.

Convert:  You got it.  I’m even thinking of coming out with a nitrate-free version, so I can stop killing my customers.  It seems like a good way to grow the business.

Pope: Excellent.

Convert: Thanks.  Now, back to my new religion.  Do you think Mohammed would approve of the killing?

Pope: Oh, I think he would condemn it.  I even think he would condemn the Muslim clerics who incite their followers to shout, “Death to Christians!”  Let’s just hope that one day we all realize that, if we truly believe in one God, we all worship the same God.

Convert:  I like that.  You mean, even though I converted to Islam, I still believe in the same God you do?

Pope: Yes, so the logical way to please him is for us all to get along.  But you are missing out on Christ.

Convert: Well, let me think about that.  Are you sure He’s not as understanding as his Dad?

Pope:  Let me think about that.

Convert: OK.  It’s just hard for me to swallow that He preferred fish.

Pope:  Maybe they didn’t have proscuitto way back then?

Convert:  You think so?

Pope: I honestly don’t know.  The Old Testament does look down on eating meat from animals with cloven feet. 

Convert:  That’s a pig.

Pope: It does include pigs, yes.  It was a cleanliness precaution, before people knew how to raise pigs as wholesomely as I’m sure you do.

Convert:  Thank you.  Everybody says I have a way with pigs.  Say, before you go, can I offer you some proscuitto?  I promise you, I make the best in the world.

Pope: I would love some.

Convert:  Good.  Come to my shop and I’ll slice it myself.

Pope:  How can I resist?

Convert: What a nice guy!  I really like you, you know that.

Pope: I like you, too.

With that, they stood up and embraced.  Then they got into the only disagreement of the afternoon.  Who would pay the tab? 

They both insisted but, finally, the Pope won, saying, “Look, you’re giving me the proscuitto.  At least, let me get the check.”

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