DREADLINE OF THE WEEK

AMERICA MAY BECOME FOREIGN COUNTRY; HOPES TO QUALIFY FOR U. S. AID

Today, an upstart group of innovative patriots are saying it’s time for America to become a foreign country. Eyeing the amount of money the U. S. lavishes on one kind of foreign aid or another, while our own domestic infrastructure and social services deteriorate, these resourceful citizens believe they have finally discovered a way to get into Uncle Sam’s cashbox.

Their expectation is, once America qualifies for foreign aid, the nation can at long last expect funding to flow copiously to build new schools and remedy the leaky roofs and old steam pipes in the decrepit ones, repave our pock-marked main arteries and widen congested secondary roads, where most American commuters currently spend approximately half of their average workday, fund first-rate healthcare for everybody who can’t afford to lavish funds for coverage on the increasingly retentive conglomerates who have turned everyday medical care into a big business only they can afford, guarantee every civilian who wants an education the ready availability of it, and clean up the country, meaning the air, water, and, if possible, the incredible plethora of plastic castaways that now line the margins and detract from the loveliness of just about every byway.

The group also believes that until such a radical step is taken we can expect to continue to hear from Washington that so much precious national capital is being expended abroad that domestic programs must once again be cut to the marrow, which is the looming follow-up to the already-proverbial “cut to the bone.”

A spokesman for the intent group stated, “We work harder than any nation on earth. Look at the productivity per worker. The only way to increase it anymore is for us to stop sleeping altogether. But do we get to live in a society that reflects the rewards we deserve for the successful economy we’ve had for generations? No chance. We produce, Washington squanders. That’s why we insist that it’s time for America to qualify for U. S. foreign aid.”

This emerging but vocal group is also convinced that such aid to America is sure to pay off more handsomely than most federal funding that is funneled abroad. In fact, they are certain that in time the U. S. government will be able to point proudly to America as an outstanding example of what foreign aid can do to build freedom and democracy.

“It’s a sure thing,” says a female spokesperson for the group, “and how many sure things can you point to in our foreign aid program?”

The group hopes to take its case to the public at large as soon as they scrape together the funds for a multimillion dollar ad campaign.

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