FOREIGN FRIENDS AND WOES

IRAN SEEKS ATOMIC BOMB FOR PEACEFUL PURPOSES

Iran, which until now has said it only seeks nuclear technology for its humdrum energy needs, due to an oil shortage that is projected to occur in the oil-rich nation in approximately 1,000 years, revealed, in the face of intractable resistance to its nuclear ambitions, that it actually seeks an atomic bomb for peaceful purposes.

The announcement removed all doubt about Tehran’s true intentions and immediately sparked debate between America and its European allies as to how to deal with the puzzling revelation.

President Bush was adamant, saying, “I can’t be fooled by honesty.  This nation is a terrorist state, and you can’t trust a terrorist state with an atom bomb.  I don’t care what they say it’s for.”

Tony Blair noted, “I welcome the fact that the Iranian government has finally come forward about the truth of its nuclear ambitions.  On the other hand, their statement does raise my concern about the specific term ‘peaceful uses?’  Frankly, I’m not at all sure what they mean by it, and I believe we must demand clarification.”

President Jacques Chirac said, “I think we have to give diplomacy more time.  When Iran finally does have an atom bomb, we’ll be in a much better position to understand what its leadership means by peaceful uses.”

The German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, took a somewhat harder line, stating, “I worry about the prospect of Iran with an atomic bomb.  I think we have to insist on a face to face discussion some time before they actually drop one.”

The leaders expressed their willingness to continue the debate but remained adamant that, should Iran attack any of them with an atomic bomb, they would have to reevaluate their willingness to rely on diplomacy to resolve the contentious issue.

President Bush was the most outspoken, telling reporters, “If Iran attacks the United States or anybody else with a nuclear weapon, the first thing I’m going to do is blame the French for allowing diplomacy to drag on and on.”

Mohamed ElBaradei, Director General of The International Atomic Energy Agency, while admitting that in these overheated times it was unfortunate that his name is Mohamed, repeated, “I would like to be granted permission to examine Iran’s nuclear energy facilities, hopefully before an atomic bomb is actually developed but, at any rate, before one is exploded.”  He also cautioned the Iranians, “Having observed the level of your technological sophistication, I must advise you that it is not entirely impossible that your first detonation of a nuclear weapon might well occur on your own soil.”

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the ultraconservative president of Iran, repeated, “My nation has a right to an atomic bomb and we’re not going to let the infidels who already have A-bombs talk us out of them.  We have every bit as much right to have them for peaceful purposes as they do.” 

Ahmadinejad was advised that President Bush had, with his usual forthrightness, referred to him as “The front man of Iran,” and went on to describe him as “nothing but a marionette whose strings are pulled by the ruling mullahs, and, if he doesn’t do exactly what they tell him to do, they’ll drop the strings and toss him in a box.”  

The president of Iran responded by stating, “Bush can say anything he wants.  I only want him to know that he has a special place in my plans about the peaceful uses of the atomic bomb.”

A reporter challenged Amandinejad about the meaning of the “so-called peaceful uses of an atomic bomb,” venturing to ask if he actually meant the peaceful feeling he might experience if Persians were the only people left on earth.

Amandinejad responded, “I refuse to speculate on such a remote possibility but I’m also not going to deny that the prospect is entirely unattractive.”

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