FOREIGN FUN

Western Leaders Release Video;
Urge Muslims To Convert

Western leaders, incensed by the increasingly frequent videos from Osama bin Laden's second in command, Ayman al-Zawahiri, who they have taken to calling the terrorist Jack in the box, have released a video of their own in which they urge Muslims to convert. The video was recorded at an undisclosed location in New York. Here are selected highlights:

Jacques Chirac was allowed to take the lead in honor of the French role in the Enlightenment. He maintains some vagueness about just what he is inviting Muslims to convert to but finally manages to state that they should "convert to peaceful coexistence" and recommends that they also "convert from falafel to French pastry."

Tony Blair, in his usually affable and self-effacing way, says, "While I would never propose that Muslims become devout adherents of the Church of England, I do recommend that the more radical sort stop trying to kill Christians and others you consider nonbelievers. As an encouragement, I ask you to bear in mind that religious wars finally do tend to become a two-way street."

Next, George Bush took the mike, stating, "Now, I respect the Muslim religion, but I want you to know that killing people in the name of Allah just gives Allah a black eye. I also want radical Muslims to think about this: if there is only one God and his name is Allah, then he made me and Crawford, Texas, as much as he made you and West Waziristan. So there’s no way he wants you to kill Americans."

A surprise participant was a liberal Muslim cleric, who was, the video informs us, located after an extensive worldwide search. As expected, he speaks commendably. "I finally took out some time to do the infidel thing; I read the Bible. And I can tell you that, just like the Koran, there’s a lot of stuff in it about slaying your adversaries. So I think if the Jews and Christians have forgiven and forgotten that part of their holy book, we should forgive and forget that part of ours. After all, God usually doesn't write down things himself. He trusts human beings to take dictation. And you know as well as I do that humans are imperfect scribes, especially when God appears at night and the tent is dark. Maybe, in fact, we ought to delete that stuff from our holy book. Then when we claim that our religion is better, we might at least be talking about a book that’s better when it comes to slaying other people. Hey, think about that. The way we can really distinguish our religion is to refrain, in word and deed, from slaying other people."

The video is scheduled for release on al-Jazeera Television as soon as it can be hand-delivered across the Atlantic Ocean, the Mediterranean Sea, and past various land obstacles, some of which are rumored to be controlled by Ayman al-Zawahiri.

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