Recently, scientists at Johns Hopkins have discovered that stem-cell research may lead to improvements in intelligence. They immediately invited President Bush to participate in the clinical trials.
Upon learning of this exciting possibility, the President expressed a sudden eagerness to reconsider his opposition to, what most scientists consider, a potential windfall of medical benefits.
Many researchers are dubious about his inclusion in the trials. It appears that even the most enthusiastic advocates of the fledgling science admit it has its limits. As a result, there is widespread concern that their inability to produce a significant increase in the intelligence of the President might provoke undue criticism of the emerging science.
The President has said he would welcome an improvement in his intelligence, because it would allow him to serve the American people better. “There are times when I may be a little too straightforward to accomplish things with a war here and there, and, if I can kick up my IQ with a few stem cells and become a bit more agile in my international dealings, I’m all for it.” On the other hand, he said, “If it doesn’t work, hey, no problem. I know what I’m doing and I’ll still know how to do it.”
One reporter asked him, if his intelligence did improve, would he consider the possibility that the most effective way America could influence the destiny of other nations is to expend its resources at home, in order to make America an influential example of the benefits of freedom and democracy.
He replied, “I understand the good that can be accomplished by a good example. I know that from my years in the oil business. You hit a gusher where people don’t expect it, and right away everybody wants to drill there. What you don’t appreciate is that all those wells then produce so much wealth that you can squander it as much as want and still have enough left over to have a ranch in Crawford, Texas.”
Reaction was mixed, although he did receive a loud ovation from oil-company lobbyists, who apparently were responding to the infectiously laudable word “gusher.”
The President is currently awaiting news as to whether or not he will be admitted to the trials. He reportedly asked his wife, “If I become smarter, will you still love me?”
Vice President Dick Cheney, asked if he might consider joining the clinical trials, stated, “I’m already way too smart. But, if I hear it can improve my marksmanship, I’m might reconsider.”
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