HEALTHY HUMOR

New Study: Only Safe Place To Set Aside For Smokers Is Another Planet

A long-awaited report from the Surgeon General – and what report isn’t “long awaited?” – has the usual death-defying things to say about second-hand smoke, repeating them only for the millions of people who apparently haven’t inhaled the immanent dangers.

The Surgeon General, who subtly lends urgency to report by referring to inhalation of the airy carcinogen as “involuntary smoking,” maintains that there’s no safe haven when a smoker’s within wafting distance. Evidently, even separating smokers from nonsmokers, attempting to clean up the air, and specially installed vents don't protect the innocent passive smokers.

To add triumph to tribulation, he cites evidence that smoking bans, like the strict ones in New York and Boston, aren’t inhospitable to the hospitality business.

Trumpeting what has been obvious for decades, the SG says, "The debate is over. The science is clear. Secondhand smoke is not a mere annoyance but a serious health hazard."

Now, with nonsmokers bound to be waving off the sadly habitual smokers with more dramatic “pee-yews!” than ever, what are smokers to do?

We see two choices. They can finally snuff out the flaming doses of self-poison. Or they can demand their own planet.

While the first choice seems like the more readily applicable one, space travel may occur, even in their self-shortened lifetimes. Opting for the distant possibility of escape from a hostile world, they might ask for the moon or Mars.

Ah, we can see it now, as the inhabitants of a smoke-free earth peer into a starry night and see smoke rings rising from the silvery face of the man in the moon, who may on occasion cough.

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