SANELY FUNNY COVER STORY
DAILY LIFE AND MASS HYSTERIA
Not so long ago, daily life was reasonably relaxing. Now, however, as our eyebrows fret, our lids twitch, and our fingers tremble on various keypads, we must admit that such mental placidity is no longer our usual daily possession.
We may wake up to the usual jar of a cranky alarm, as most of us have since getting up in the morning became an urgency, say, in kindergarten. But now the alarm is only the starting bell to a tumultuous day that leads most of us to experience what might well be characterized as mass hysteria – or, in a broader sense, as our wired world gone “haywired.” FULL STORY |
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DREADLINE OF THE WEEK
IRAN ADVANCES
WEAPONS FOR PEACE PROGRAM
WITH TWO MISSILE FIRINGS. In its continuing effort to advance the peaceful uses of nuclear and conventional weapons, Iran reported that, during nonmilitary maneuvers off the coast, it fired a high-speed underwater missile that could track down and blow apart any large ship, either on the surface or underwater.
To makes its pacific intentions even more convincingly, the country’s nonmilitary also stated that it had successfully fired a missile that was capable of carrying multiple warheads.
Meanwhile, the U. S. and its European allies continued to discuss Iran’s true intentions and explosive capabilities.
FULL STORY
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SHREDITORIAL CUSTOMER CARE AS
CUSTOMER BEWARE
How many times have you waited in an eternal phone cue for customer service or been met at a sales counter with drowsy indifference? Such affronts happen so often these days, we often think companies that offer substandard care should display a sign that says, “Underserving you as best we can.”
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HEY, USA
THE STORY OF JIHAD AND JILL ENDS HAPPILY
Jill Carroll's captors released her and claimed they'd win the war because "We're smart." What would tell the entire world they really are smart is for them to put down their arms and help to build the new, free, and democratic Iraq that America has so generously and patiently given them the golden opportunity to have.
FULL STORY
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FOREIGN INTRIGUE
MEXICO AGREES TO REDUCE ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION.
PRESIDENT AND CABINET
WILL STAY PUT.
President Vincente Fox, whose last name always strikes us as remarkably un-Mexican, pledged that neither he nor any other member of the government would try to enter the U. S. illegally.
FULL STORY
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WASHINGTON
SPIN DIN
BUSH FIRES CHENEY.
CHENEY FIRES BACK.
“You can’t fire me,” Cheney reportedly told the President, “or I’ll shoot that pigeon right off your windowsill.”
FULL STORY |
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SPOOF
OF THE WEEK
YOUR REPLACEMENT IS HERE
In light of the ever-worsening setbacks the American automobile industry is experiencing, we’ve considered the success of Toyota et al with assembly-line robots and thought we’d leap ahead of them and introduce the first white-collar robot.
FULL STORY
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DOLLARS
AND NONSENSE
CHINA FACES LABOR SHORTAGE. HIRES AMERICANS.
The U. S. and other western nations have finally exported enough jobs to China to create a labor shortage there. The communist cry, “Workers of the world, unite!” has been revised as, “Workers of the United States, Welcome!”
FULL STORY
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WHAT
THE TECH
SATELLITE RADIO AND NOSTALGIA FOR TERRESTRIAL DJ'S
What, we wonder, are they saying and playing today? Gee, we realize, we wouldn’t mind hearing them, even if we have to hearken to a plethora of commercials by companies who, by the way, are supporting our favorite DJ or DJ’s.
FULL STORY
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HEALTH
AND PRICES
PRAYER AND HEART ATTACKS
The most scientific study to date concluded that prayer offered, at least by strangers, has no effect. Our recommendation? Should you have a heart attack and people offer to pray for you, just say, “Thanks. Much appreciated.”
FULL STORY
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LAW
AND DISORDER
ANOTHER KIND OF EXPLOSION
IN IRAQ. THE NEW CHARGES AGAINST SADDAM
The dapper man in the dark sports jacket has finally been accused of crimes that fit the crimes. Question is, when the trials are over and he has become the longest-running performer on Iraqi TV, how will viewers feel when the show is cancelled due to the necessity of hanging the leading man?
FULL STORY
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CULTURE
BROADWAY: THE REWARDS AND PUNISHMENTS OF IRRELEVANCE.
Despite the worldwide reservoir of patrons for generally irrelevant fare, we cannot help but reminisce about that wondrous yesteryear when intelligent people actually expected consequential shows to appear there and considered them deserving topics for distinguished conversation.
FULL STORY
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WHAT'S ENTERTAINMENT
BARBIE, LIVE IN FAIRYTOPIA
A REAL DOLL OF A MUSICAL
There is only one possible saving grace. The audience Barbie is reportedly aimed at is children approximately four to eight years’ old.
FULL STORY
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SPORTS SHORTS
FLYING RACKETS AND CLUBS
Have you noticed that the more intense people become about a sport, the more furiously unhappy they are playing it?
FULL STORY
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CLEVER MONKEY
OF THE WEEK
HOWARD STERN
For heading off to Sirius oblivion and then blaming his fans for not following him. FULL STORY
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WEATHER
& POLLUTION
WHY IS HAIL NAMED
IN FRUIT SIZES?
For instance, when hail is only small enough to dent your car or put quite a welt on your head, it’s referred to as “grape-size.”
FULL STORY
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QUOTE
OF THE WEEK
“Being President is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but stand there and take it." Lyndon B. Johnson
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