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SANELY FUNNY COVER STORY

THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN OF MASS MEDIA
INFORMATION EVERYWHERE, PHILOSOPHY NOWHERE

Headless Horseman With Trail of Newspapers

Did you ever notice that we’re surrounded by information but hardly ever come across an idea in the media that might help us lead sane and happy lives? Oh, not the usual self-help drivel about how to lose weight or enjoy sex, but answers to the really big questions, like what to think about when you wake up in the morning and how to drink water out of a plastic bottle without burping.

Obviously, there’s a real need here for some handiwork. So, to help make up for the pervasive vapidity of the usual media and not wanting anything untoward to happen to you, precious reader, but actually wishing you perpetual joy, we herewith present twelve ways to help you jaunt through life sane and happy, at least, most of the time.
FULL STORY

DREADLINE OF THE WEEK

AMERICA MAY BECOME
FOREIGN COUNTRY.
HOPES TO QUALIFY FOR U. S. AID

Today, an upstart group of innovative patriots is saying it’s time for America to become a foreign country. Eyeing the amount of money the U. S. lavishes on one kind of foreign aid or another, while our own domestic infrastructure and social services deteriorate, these resourceful citizens believe they have finally discovered a way to get into Uncle Sam’s cashbox.

The emerging but vocal group is also convinced that such aid to America is sure to pay off more handsomely than most federal funding that is funneled abroad. In fact, they are certain that in time the U. S. government will be able to point proudly to America as an outstanding example of what foreign aid can do to build freedom and democracy.
FULL STORY

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SHREDITORIAL

WHAT DOES THAT MACHO MOVIE STAR'S GUN REALLY STAND FOR?

How often have you asked yourself, why is my favorite movie star on that huge poster, pointing that big gun? Why can’t he be in a movie that actually has something to do with my life? Then the distressing idea sinks in. In the perverse mind of the action-adventure producer, that gun is probably intended to stand for nothing other than the flashy guy’s penis. And there it is, right up there on the billboard! FULL STORY

HEY, USA

IMMIGRATION BILL FAILS;
SENATE DEPORTED

A demonstrator, named Juan Gomez, effused, with some irony, “It makes me realize more than ever what a great country this is. Not only can anybody grow up to be the President. Anybody can be deported.”
FULL STORY

FOREIGN INTRIGUE

NEW KIND OF IRAQI INSURGENTS EYE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR

This radical minority has actually begun to discuss openly that self-destructive behavior may not be in the national interest.  Some have even dared to allude to the fact that if peace had been maintained since the defeat of Saddam Hussein, their dearest wish as ingrates would already been far along the way to realization. FULL STORY

WASHINGTON SPIN DIN

CONDI RICE, CLASSICAL PIANIST, PENS POP TUNE

It seems that Condi Rice, well known in Washington circles as a surprisingly skillful classical pianist, has written a highly confessional pop song, titled, “I can’t give you anything but hope, baby.”
FULL STORY

SPOOF OF THE WEEK

MASS MURDERER
SHOOTS SELF FIRST

“Yes, I admit it! I'm a mass murderer ” the crazed man called from the roof of the mall. “But my plan is different – different than any of you suspect. And nobody can stop me!”
FULL STORY

 

DOLLARS AND NONSENSE

ONLINE DATING. OR HOW
TO MEET PEOPLE WITHOUT STAYING OUT LATE

Even slim hope, you decide, is far superior to staying out until four in the morning and then trying to show up at work a few hours later, looking ready and able to do something besides nod off with your eyes open.FULL STORY

WHAT THE TECH

THE HIGH-TECH RAZOR:
FOUR BLADES BUT CAN'T
TRIM SIDEBURNS

Remember when a razor only had one blade and it didn’t swivel or float? You could just place it firmly against your sideburns and pull down to achieve that perfectly straight edge. Just try it with a razor that has four blades and a swiveling head.
FULL STORY

HEALTH AND PRICES

THE INS AND OUTS OF ABORTION: PRO CHOICE, PRO LIFE, OR BOTH

Until now, there have only been two sides to the tender and tempestuous abortion issue: Pro Choice or Pro Life. Now, don’t get upset with us, but we would like to explore a third possibility: Both Choices.
FULL STORY

LAW AND DISORDER

BATTERED HUSBANDS GIVE NEW MEANING TO 5' 2", EYES OF BLUE

Long abhorring the idea that a man would ever raise his hand against his wife, we have recently read about battered husbands, whose plight gives an unexpected new meaning to “5’ 2,” eyes of blue.
FULL STORY

CULTURE

CIVILIZED PARTY OCCURS; GUESTS ASTONISHED

Last nightI, in Noel Coward’s words, “I went to a marvelous party.” It was, for a change of pace, actually civilized, partly because nothing like what Coward refers to in his tongue-in-cheek lyric occurred; for example, "Elsie" did not say or do: “A, it’s a question of being sincere, And B, if you’re supple you’ve nothing to fear." Then she swung upside down from a glass chandelier. FULL STORY

WHAT'S ENTERTAINMENT

MOVIE THEATER OWNERS
MISS LONG LINES; PROMISE POPCORN WITH REAL BUTTER

But how comfy it is at home with your own DVD or your joystick and, as the memory of long and discouraging lines at movie theaters moves ever closer to the back of your mental filing cabinet, delight beyond hope, you can even enjoy popcorn you rustle up with real butter.
FULL STORY

SPORTS SHORTS

BASEBALL SWINGS INTO ACTION; PLAYERS HIT FINANCIAL HOMERS

Loyal fans in worn-out sneakers and faded sweatshirts flocked to cheer and ridicule their home teams, as their beloved or maligned multimillionaires took to the field. We recalled a headline in an old framed newspaper that shouted, "Berra Signs For $48,000!"
FULL STORY

CLEVER MONKEY
OF THE WEEK


HOSNI MUBARAK

For coming right out and saying there's a civil war in Iraq. We have to hand it to him for jumping into that pot of boiling oil.
FULL STORY

WEATHER & POLLUTION

GLOBAL WARMING SKEPTICS CLAIM SPRING HAS ARRIVED

This year, April appeared to arrive, at least, so far. To celebrate, skeptics of global warming were effusing such reassurances as, “Wow, look, it’s warmer but not too warm!” FULL STORY

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“It's no wonder politicians get hard-boiled. They're always in hot water."
New Orleans Times

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