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SANELY FUNNY COVER STORY

THE ILLOGICAL PUPPET OF IRAN
ANY CHANCE OF GETTING THE LITTLE GUY A NEW SCRIPT?

Armadinejad On A Mullah's Knee

First, we learned to say and spell the puppet’s name: Armadinejad. Not exactly Smith. Then we watched him perform upon a crafty mullah’s knee. We have been patient, like any fair-minded audience, but the more we listen, the more we realize that the puppet has a script that just doesn’t make sense.

He raises one hand and, without the mullah appearing to move his own lips, practiced ventriloquist that he is, little Armadinejad threatens to “wipe Israel off the map” and blusters against anyone in the audience who disagrees with his absurdly unachievable goal. No sooner does he do that than he raises his other hand and announces that he has the right to nuclear technology but only for peaceful purposes.

The audience is finally beginning to lose patience with the nonsensical but dangerous show. Some members of the audience have become so alarmed that they’re stamping their feet and demanding a new script.
FULL STORY

DREADLINE OF THE WEEK

RUMSFELD APPOINTS SELF RETIRED GENERAL;
RUSHES TO OWN DEFENSE

Donald Rumsfeld, under fire from a platoon of retired generals who have called for his resignation, went on the offensive by appointing himself a retired general.

Accompanied by a currently employed general, who, as the head of The Joint Chiefs Of Staff, is his usual sidekick, he stated, “As The Secretary of Defense, I think I should at least be on an equal footing with a retired general, and, after careful consideration, I decided to become one.”

A reporter then asked, “As a retired general, what is your opinion on Donald Rumsfeld?”

“I think he’s doing an outstanding job,” Rumsfeld replied. “In fact, I think, while I’ve said no one is indispensable, there’s always an exception to the rule.”

“How about his handling of the war in Iraq?” another reporter queried.

“What war in Iraq?” Rumsfeld countered. “ What’s going on now is the post-war recovery.” FULL STORY

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SHREDITORIAL

CONVERSATION IN
AN AGE OF CONFUSION

What do people talk about when they all believe different things and nobody is sure what the other person believes? The silence is like a silken muffler wrapped around virtually every significant area of human thought. So conversation generally defaults to entrancing topics like the weather. FULL STORY

HEY, USA

SENIOR TICKETED FOR
WALKING TOO SLOW;
OTHERS TRY ROLLER SKATES

An 82-year-old woman was recently issued a ticket in California for crossing a street too slowly. A police officer, who arrived on a motorcycle, told her she was obstructing traffic – and issued her a summons for $114. As a result, seniors are frantically searching for ways to hurry along. FULL STORY

FOREIGN INTRIGUE

BERLUSCONI GETS PLATE OF SPAGHETTI IN FACE

Silvio Berlusconi, the outspoken, conservative Prime Minister of Italy, was recently handed an electoral plate of spaghetti in the face. Since he was an ally in Iraq, we must now face the prospect that the newly elected Prime Minister will beat a speedy retreat. So we better get ready to duck. The second plate may fly our way. FULL STORY

WASHINGTON SPIN DIN

CHINESE LEADER VISITS U. S. SHOPS FOR SNEAKERS

Hu Jintao began his four-day trip to the United States by doing something that made him feel right at home. He was driven to a Footlocker, where he purchased a pair of Nike sneakers. He proudly held them up to the camera, displaying the label “Made in China.”

“This is what fair trade is all about,” he said. “You give us things to make, and we make them.”

FULL STORY

SPOOF OF THE WEEK

A REVISED HISTORY OF PASTA

As we note history changing at a record pace, from the recent unexpected surfacing of The Book of Judas to the unseating of Tyrannosaurus Rex as the largest-ever carnivore, we thought we’d do our part by contributing a revised history of pasta, in which we claim the accolade for the Roman epicurean Julius Amplonius, who had the furious assistance of the invading barbarian Klunk, The Great.
FULL STORY

DOLLARS AND NONSENSE

BOOK OF JUDAS FINDS PUBLISHER; RECORD WAIT TOOK 1700 YEARS

The Book of Judas, penned by the much maligned Apostle himself, has finally found a publisher, at the end of a long search that ended at The National Geographic Society.

No, it’s not Random House or Knopf. But, hey, after a 1700-year wait, any publisher is bound to come as good news.

FULL STORY

WHAT THE TECH

IN RESPONSE TO MINIATURIZATION, HUMAN HANDS GET SMALLER

Scientists report that human hands, which must currently struggle with ever smaller keypads and buttons on high-tech paraphernalia, have begun to grow smaller. Unfortunately, the adaptation is not yet complete. Ever attentive to how they might improve the human body, plastic surgeons have begun to offer a variety of hand-reduction procedures. FULL STORY

HEALTH AND PRICES

BABY BOOMERS MODERATE EXERCISE; NOTICE SCARCITY OF SENIORS IN MARATHONS

As expected, however, hard-line boomers are adopting an over-exercise-until-you-drop attitude. This group is so determined they plan to exercise excessively, even if it means hobbling into old age due to self-inflicted injuries. As a member of the group stated, ”Look, if I’m going to need a knee replacement , I might as well be one of the first to get one."
FULL STORY

LAW AND DISORDER

CRIME PREVENTION AND
HORSE SENSE

The city of New York has discovered that using horses to help police the city is a boon of such magnitude that it has decided to double the number of equine public servants in its stable. Petting a friendly horse aside, discussion of their ability to speed here and there leads us to the contemplation of what we, as cringing pedestrians, would rather be run over by – a police car or a police horse. We decided for the horse.FULL STORY

CULTURE

NO PULITZER FOR DRAMA;
NO WONDER

This year, when The Pulitzer Prizes were announced, the not entirely delightful news is that no Pulitzer was awarded in drama. While the decision is unsettling, the prudence of it must be acknowledged, since, affection for the theater and those who make it aside, there was no drama to consider. Let us have the courage to ask why and, along the way, try our best to understand everybody’s culpability or innocence. FULL STORY

WHAT'S ENTERTAINMENT

READING TABLOID HEADLINES
AT SUPERMARKET
CHECKOUT COUNTERS

Surely, one of the most underestimated sources of trivial amusement in America is the cursory perusal of tabloid headlines while waiting to be checked out at your favorite supermarket.Then, just as you’re shaking your head with disbelief that such outrageous drivel can be sold, you realize you’re next and hand your savings card over to the checkout clerk.
FULL STORY

SPORTS SHORTS

TROUT SEASON OPENS. FISHERMEN WADE IN;
TROUT LEAP OUT

This year, as every year, fisherman by the thousands celebrated the occasion by wading in streams, creeks, and brooks to seek the wily residents. Feeling crowded by all the booted legs, the trout generally jumped onto the bank, to while away the day with frequent jests about the persistent fools mulling about in the frigid water.
FULL STORY

CLEVER MONKEY
OF THE WEEK

PRESIDENT JACQUES CHIRAC

For cancelling a hotly protested new labor law just in time to preserve whatever electoral appeal his government might still have.
FULL STORY

WEATHER & POLLUTION

PCB’S MAKE FISH LIVE LONGER. NOBODY EATS THEM

Average fish longevity has increased markedly, simply because we’re all advised not to consume them. So they get tossed back. FULL STORY

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"The drama critic who is without prejudice is on the same plane with the general who does not believe in the taking of life." George Jean Nathan, Comedians All

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