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SANELY FUNNY COVER STORY

BIN LADEN RELEASES ANOTHER AUDIOTAPE
HIDEOUT TOO DARK TO SHOOT VIDEO

Osama Bin Laden In Dark Cave

Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined political, military, and intelligence resources of the civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we suggest the audiotape be taken as an opportunity to arrest him.

Here's how. Somebody buys the resourceful recluse a video camera. The only condition is, upon receipt, he has to agree to make a video about directions to his hideout. To prolong his short-lived celebrity, he can even deliver it in installments. The media will be wild for it.

We do not know why he will not accept this opportunity for worldwide narcissistic display, because, at last report, he only had four wives, and, if he believes his own deadly dumb preachments, after he goes to the paradise of his overheated and woefully misguided imagination, he can have twenty-seven virgins.

Of course, we must interject that any man with four wives who would contemplate having twenty-seven virgins as a good time has done very little reflection on what it’s really like to have four mates and has exceedingly little experience with virgins.

FULL STORY

DREADLINE OF THE WEEK

FRANCE ATTACKS IRAN
U. S. AND BRITAIN OBJECT

As French mirage jets swooped down on Iran’s nuclear facilities and French troops launched a land assault from warships in the Persian Gulf, the United States and Britain voiced immediate objections.

President Bush said, “I just don’t understand why the French have gone ahead and attacked Iran without consulting us. It’s just not right to do things without having your allies on board.”

Tony Blair stated, “I would have thought President Chirac would have given more time for diplomacy to work. After all, we know it’s going to be at least a month or more before Iran has an atomic bomb.”

On the other hand, German Chancellor Merkel voiced support for the French attack, saying, “I actually felt it was time for a European leader to act as highhandedly as the Americans did in Iraq."

”Meanwhile, President Jacques Chirac dismissed allied concerns and vowed to continue his go-it-alone policies, stating, "I was at my cattle ranch in Bordeaux, when I realized Iran is even closer to France than it is to America."
FULL STORY

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SHREDITORIAL

GOSSIP

We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. What might a gossip say under the influence of a confessional potion if asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?” “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.” Or as one Amanda Lear quipped, “I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?”  FULL STORY

HEY, USA

U. S. ENDS OIL DEPENDENCY
TURNS B. S. INTO FUEL

A researcher at The Department of Energy, from which breakthrough ideas emanate on a regular basis, noticed that Americans, along with most people who ever lived, have a virtually unlimited and renewable supply of B. S. He launched an experiment and turned it into a new fuel, called Bio-Super.  “It’s the most concentrated fuel in history,” he reported, “with an octane rating of 99.9." FULL STORY

FOREIGN FUN

RUSSIAN DEFENDS IRANIAN NUKE PROGRAM; CONSIDERS POSITION GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE

The reason for Russia's risky stance is as obvious as the red power tie we often see dangling from Vladimir Putin's neck. Iran buys weapons from Russia and will now buy enriched uranium, too. What Lenin once said about capitalists apparently also applies to reformed communists: they would sell you the rope to hang them with. FULL STORY

WASHINGTON SPIN DIN

CANADA IN SECRET TALKS TO TRADE QUEBEC FOR FLORIDA

Our generally friendly neighbors tothe north would like to have at least one province that's warm during the winter. The Bush administration admits that there are certain difficulties. For instance, the President will have to explain to his brother and closet presidential wannabe, Jeb, that he’s now a Canadian and can no longer run for President. Floridians may be taught French, so the switch will seem less drastic to the rest of the U. S. FULL STORY

SPOOF OF THE WEEK

MAN LOSES MEMORY
BATTERY IN PDA DIES

“How did it happen," the intern asked, "a tramautic emotional event, a knock on the head?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” the businessman replied, taking out his PDA. “You see, I keep everything in my electronic organizer. At first, it was a convenience. Then, over time, I became dependent on it. My own memory withered from disuse. Finally, I couldn't remember anything without it. Then today, it happened.”
FULL STORY

DOLLARS AND NONSENSE

GAS PRICES RISE TO HEIGHTS CALLED "GAS-TRONOMICAL!"

As a result, some surprising new players have entered the gasoline business. Tiffany has announced it plans to install a fuel pump next to the counter in which it displays its most extravagant diamonds. Cartier intends to retail the gaseous bauble in solid-gold thimbles. And DeBeers, the legendary diamond merchant, will promote its pricy petrol with a variation on its usual slogan, "A diamond is forever," with “A tankful is not forever."
FULL STORY

WHAT THE TECH

MAJOR SOFTWARE INNOVATION: SAME TASKS IN ALL PROGRAMS WILL BE DONE WITH SAME CLICKS

The innovative initiative has been dubbed "A Uniform Standard For Dumb Simple Tasks." While the group that has put forward the radical suggestion has no way of enforcing it, widespread adoption is expected, because there is an emerging sentiment in the software industry that the consumer has been driven bats long enough by small and totally unnecessary variations in how identical tasks are performed in different programs. FULL STORY

HEALTHY HUMOR

MEDICAL RESEARCHER DISCOVERS CAUSE OF
ASININE BEHAVIOR

The researcher reported, in the prestigious New England Journal Of Medical Hot Flashes, that when a person says something really stupid, his or her body actually rotates on the hips, so that the butt faces up. He is currently doing a follow -up study to determine if the same people, upon recognizing the idiocy of their ways and apologizing for the dumb comment, can rotate back to the position he refers to as heads up.
FULL STORY

LAW AND LAUGHTER

KEN LAY EXPLAINS CONDUCT WITH POEM FROM CHILDHOOD: "NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP."

Ken Lay, the famously charming Texan from dirt-poor beginnings, who rose to be the toast of Houston before Enron, the company he founded, became toast, finally took the stand this week and, as expected, performed in his winning manner. He based his defense for the debacle that occured under his chairmanship on a poem that he maintains has shaped his behavior since his mother first read it to him when he was just wee high to an oil pump. FULL STORY

CULTURE AND COMEDY

MET MEETS GREECE'S REQUEST: RETURNS ANCIENT TOILET SEATS

The Metropolitan Museum of Art, having recently agreed to return one of the finest vases in its collection from the Classical Age of Ancient Greece, has also consented to return the collected toilet seats from the ancient Cretan port city of Ephesus. The decision has come as a welcome relief to the Greek tourist board, whose embarrassed guides annually answer the same question that tourists ask approximately a thousand times a day. The innocent travelers behold the long cement benches with curious holes that grace an area of their walking tour and ask what they were for. FULL STORY

WHAT'S ENTERTAINMENT

ANOTHER DRACULA,
ANOTHER FLOP

This week Warner Brothers joined the Walt Disney company in attempting to transform Broadway from a venue with a whisper of hope for social relevance into one that presents works that are the intellectual equivalent of a Mickey Mouse caper. As even the blind could foresee, the critics went for the jugular.

As we often say about working with an idea that doesn’t have a life of its own, you can stand up a dead body, but you can’t make it sing and dance, and, once you let go, it’s bound to fall back down.
FULL STORY

SPORTS SHORTS

BASKETBALL FOR
SHORT PEOPLE;
BASKET TO BE LOWERED

In an effort to return basketball to the widely popular place it held in the hearts and minds of average-size and short Americans before it became the exclusive province of players whose mothers are suspected of stretching them as infants, The National Basketball Association is considering legitimizing a basket height that will allow even really short people to slam-dunk the ball and hang by the hoop to express their delight over a particularly good play. If the sport for shorts catches on, the association may establish an entirely new league. FULL STORY

CLEVER MONKEY
OF THE WEEK

MAYOR RAY NAGIN

For having a runoff election in New Orleans with a white guy who looks suspiciously like Ray himself.
FULL STORY

FUNNY WEATHER

POLAR BEARS DROWNING
BUSH SENDS LIFE JACKETS

Eskimos are being encouraged to head out onto the ice to save them. But, a tribe member asked, “ Where are the free life jackets that fit us?” FULL STORY

WITTY QUOTE
OF THE WEEK

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber." Plato

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