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SANELY FUNNY COVER STORY

SUN TO BURN ONLY FIVE BILLION MORE YEARS
HUMANS EXPRESS CONCERN

HotEarthBesideFrozenEarth

We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, we’re easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat.

It seems to us, however, that we have far more immediate concerns, for example, if we can last, in the event of a surprise nuclear war, maybe another billionth of a second.

So let’s ask the question that, as far as we know, has yet to be considered. How might we band of explosive rabble rousers last for another five billion years, rather than self-destructing any time sooner?

First, of course, we should consider dealing with the biggest tomahawks that are in the air, primarily, the three B’s, by which we don’t mean the names of three eternal classical composers but pollution, population, and pop goes the A-Bomb.

Meanwhile, what invitingly positive items might we busy ourselves with during the next five billion years or so? After all, our unrealistic and yet, we suspect, achievable goal is more than just hanging on for the essentially eternal ride; it’s enjoying the wondrous flight through space and time.

FULL STORY

DREADLINE OF THE WEEK

HISPANIC IMMIGRANTS DEMONSTRATE;
"ILLEGAL"
NOT IN SPANISH DICTIONARY

Hispanic iimmigrants by the thousands demonstrated about what they claim is their right to become citizens of the land of the gringo. While we welcome the effort of everyone who wishes to become a citizen of our free and frazzled nation, we did note that there appeared to be no distinction made between immigrants who reside here in placid legality and those who do so with anxious illegality.

We looked into the matter and discovered that the word “illegal” is actually not in the Spanish dictionary. We entered the English version in an online Spanish-English dictionary, which returned the following result: “Spanish Matches: Sorry, no Spanish matches found.”

This explanation seemed too easy, so we decided we had inadequately pursued the matter and went at it again. We then learned that there is indeed a Spanish word for “illegal,” but, expectedly enough, it’s spelled slightly differently, as “ilegal.”

Why, we wondered, hadn’t the distinction received at least a tip of the sombrero and if there is an intelligent way to resolve the border dispute? Here is our charitably inclusive resolution.
FULL STORY

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SHREDITORIAL

PROOF TAX LAWS FAULTY:
9 OUT OF 10 AMERICANS SET TO DECLARE BANKRUPTCY

As the distribution of wealth in America becomes increasingly skewed toward the wealthiest 7% or so of the population, where we find more and more resplendently bedecked billionaires, the income of the other 93% of the populace continues to go the way of the wealthiest. The growing destitution of this significant segment of the population has now become so acute that the majority of Americans are all set to declare bankruptcy. FULL STORY

HEY, USA

NIGHTCLUB FOR BABY BOOMERS RAIDED; PATRONS NABBED FOR
DROPPING ANTACID

Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the trendy club by accident, police raided the boomer hotspot. The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, “I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that stuff. But somehow they were smuggling it past the bouncers – Alka-Seltzer, Tums, Rolaids, you name it. Had I known, I would have slipped them some complimentary club soda.”
FULL STORY

FOREIGN FUN

IRAQI INSURGENTS IN SECRET TALKS; ADMIT MAY BE FIGHTING WRONG ENEMY

During secret talks with Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, insurgents admitted they may have been fighting the wrong enemy. Upon hearing the admission, President Talibani slapped his forehead so hard he fell over backwards and was unconscious for approximately three days. Upon being resuscitated, he continued the talks. May the day soon come when enough of the knuckleheads realize the error of their war.
FULL STORY

WASHINGTON SPIN DIN

HILLARY CLINTON TO BECOME
A REPUBLICAN

Hillary Clinton, long famously popular among Democrats but obsessively excoriated by Republicans, has decided to turn the tables on her opponents by becoming one of them. In an interview, Senator Clinton told us, “There’s an old political axiom that you never spend any time trying to get the votes you already have. So I decided I didn’t have to spend anymore time as a Democrat."
FULL STORY

SPOOF OF THE WEEK

THE TOPLESS CPA

“This place is amazing,” Todd told Lila, the topless dancer who had just charged him for touching her hand. “Is there anything you don’t charge for?”

“Not very many,” she joked.

“How’d it get that way?” he wanted to know.

“It was started by a dancer who saved up and got her CPA.”

FULL STORY

DOLLARS AND NONSENSE

GOVERNMENT STUDY SHOWS DECREASE IN BUYING POWER OF DOLLAR; NOW EQUAL TO PENNY

The U. S. Department of Treasury has done a reevaluation of the currency and determined that the buying-power of the dollar bill is now the exact equivalent of what the buying power of a penny once was. As a result, it appears that the long-endangered penny has finally met its meltdown. Should the trend continue, it is estimated that penny candy will eventually retail at one-hundred dollars the bite.
FULL STORY

WHAT THE TECH

MICROSOFT VISTA TO SUPPORT ONLY ITS OWN PROGRAMS; DENIES MONOPOLISTIC INTENT

Microsoft announced today that its new Vista operating system would support only products made by Microsoft. CEO Steven Ballmer, known to insiders from competing companies as The Embalmer, noted, “Since Vista is a Microsoft product, what reason on earth is there to support products made by other companies? If they want people to use their programs, they’re free to create their own desktop operating systems.”
FULL STORY

HEALTHY HUMOR

POPE TO RULE ON CONDOMS
AND AIDS; MAY CONSULT PEOPLE
WITH HANDS-ON EXPERIENCE

Pope Benedict has courageously asked for recommendations from fellow ecclesiastics about whether or not a couple, in which one member has AIDS, may use condoms for the prevention of disease. We assume, for the greater glorification of the Church, that neither he nor his advisers are at the expert level when it comes to either topic. So we think he would wisely bring enhanced credence to whatever he decides if he were to meet with couples who have hands-on experience. FULL STORY

LAW AND LAUGHTER

AMERICA TO SUE REST OF WORLD FOR UNGRATEFUL BEHAVIOR

The lead attorney for America stated, "Will you please tell us what other country in the world, besides your own, you would prefer to possess the amount of power America has. We are, in fact, the first nation in the history of the world that could conquer it but, in addition to being freedom-loving people that the whole idea offends, we’re savvy business people to know we just can’t afford the worldwide upkeep. The only thing that stands in the way of a big win for the U. S. is finding a country where we can conduct the trial.” FULL STORY

CULTURE AND COMEDY

INFANT AUTHOR BLAMED
FOR PLAGIARISM; COPIED SOUNDS IN NURSERY

A newborn infant, who showed unusual promise in the hospital nursery in the modulation of her of coos and cries and was immediately swept from her mother’s arms to Harvard University, has now been disgraced as a mere plagiarist. It seems that the infant, commissioned to write an original succession of coos and cries by a wily book packager, had listened to the coos and cries of her fellow newborns during her brief stay at the hospital and, intentionally or not, had copied them. FULL STORY

WHAT'S ENTERTAINMENT

JAZZFEST IN NEW ORLEANS KICKS OFF WITHOUT JAZZ

The truth of music in New Orleans has for many years been in the sound of music one hears when he or she strolls through the fabled French Quarter. They have been, not the lilting lines of jazz, but the raucous thumps of rock. Since popular music is unlikely to return to those golden days of yore, it seems that the least irritating way to return consonance to the Jazzfest is simply to rename it the Musicfest. Then, while our ears might be just as troubled, at least our minds could ease off the incongruity that persists in troubling them.
FULL STORY

SPORTS SHORTS

TIME TO BRING PETE ROSE HOME

Poor Pete Rose, the tireless slugger who the execs of the game kicked out because he was caught bet-handed. How many years must the remorseful soul twist on the rack of their self-righteous protection of the reputation of the sport? Is it not past time to have mercy on the once-mistaken Pete, The Gambler, and make a redemptive place for the extraordinary accomplishments of Pete, the Player? We do wish the commissioner of baseball would come forward, along with, of course, the politically correct reminder that if Pete bets again all bets are off. FULL STORY

CLEVER MONKEY
OF THE WEEK

BOLIVIAN PRESIDENT
EVO MORALES

For expropriating the property of international energy companies while accusing them of stealing Bolivia’s natural resources.
FULL STORY

FUNNY WEATHER

DESPITE HURRICANE SEASON, WEATHER ON EARTH STILL BETTER THAN ON THE MOON

We must admit, all things considered, that the weather here remains significantly better than that to be found on our placidly wind-free neighbor. FULL STORY

WITTY QUOTE
OF THE WEEK

"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence." Robert Frost

                About Tom Attea,
Humorist & Creator Of NewsLaugh
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