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SANELY FUNNY COVER STORY

THEORY OF EVOLUTION
CHALLENGED BY FRENCH CHEF

CITES ROLE OF FOOD AND WINE

Caveman And Woman Dining With Wine

While the Theory of Evolution has received numerous challenges since Darwin proposed it, none seems to have taken the scientific community with such devastating surprise as a theory recently proposed by a French Chef from Bordeaux. Andre Dumier, who operates a One Star Michelin restaurant just outside the city of Bordeaux, advanced the theory after contemplating what he considers the first requirement in the various stages of evolution – the availability of food and, in time, wine.

We were fortunate in being able to arrange an exclusive NewsLaugh interview.

NewsLaugh: Would you please explain your theory?

Dumier: But, of course, monsieur. The great flaw in Darwin’s Theory is that he puts Natural Selection before the existence of food to select.

NewsLaugh: Say, that’s interesting. Can you elaborate?

Dumier: It is my pleasure to do so. To me his Theory of Evolution does not make a primary place for the existence of food. Let me explain. Do you think the fish evolved in the ocean before there was plankton for them to dine on? Of course, not. They would have starved! And, if they could not survive, how could you have Survival of the Fittest?

NewsLaugh: Do you have another theory to propose?

Dumier: Oui, monsieur. Survival of the Fullest.

FULL STORY

DREADLINE OF THE WEEK

DICK CHENEY ENROLLS AT
DALE CARNEGIE;
UPDATES CURRICULUM

Vice President Cheney, upon his return from a visit to former Soviet Bloc nations, during which he criticized Russian President Putin in unusually direct, if correct, terms, found himself suffering from shortness of breath. Hesitant about consulting a doctor immediately, he performed a self-diagnosis and realized his condition was primarily due to putting his foot in his mouth with alarming frequency.

Knowing the tenuous disposition of his cardiovascular system, he determined to remedy his verbal dereliction and signed up for a course at Dale Carnegie, where he expected to learn How To Win Friends And Influence People.

At his first class, however, he found himself unable to listen calmly to his lecturer and began to dispute with him. “You’re just not living in the real world," he announced. "Let me show you how it really is.”

Here are selections from Cheney’s revisions of Carnegie's teachings.

Carnegie: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.

Cheney: Easy fix. Just erase the word “Don’t.”

Carnegie: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

Cheney: Another easy fix. Let’s add back the word “Don’t.”
FULL STORY

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SHREDITORIAL

MOVIE STARS
AS
SOURCES OF WISDOM

They bring themselves to our attention by committing to memory, or by reading off one kind of prompter or another, words devised by others. But once they ascend to the starry vault that hovers over us, do we expect of them anything consonant with the ability to recite the usual inanities? No, suddenly we want these storied performers to transform themselves into the wise harbingers of original insight and exemplary advice. FULL STORY

HEY, USA

DEMOCRATS SEARCH
FOR PLATFORM;
FIND IT IN FDR'S BASEMENT

Democrats, sensing electoral weakness in the war-ravaged Republican Party, began an intensive search for a platform that might lead to a rejuvenation of their own habitually unfocused and widely unattractive party. Desperate to grasp the new grail, a leading member of the party found himself inspired to make a pilgrimage to the estate of the legendary Democrat, FDR, to meditate toward an electable new vision.
FULL STORY

FOREIGN FUN

OIL EXPLORATION UPDATE:
U. S. TO PLAY
CATCH-UP WITH CUBA

The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castro’s personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades. Expectedly enough, the very prospect of Cuba scooping oil out of the ocean floor while America has outlawed it for decades has enkindled hot debate in Congress about the present wisdom of our self-imposed interdiction. FULL STORY

WASHINGTON SPIN DIN

BILL CLINTON IN SECRET TALKS WITH HILLARY; AGREES TO RUN FOR VICE PRESIDENT

Given the current state of America’s feelings about the comeuppances of the Republican tenure, there is actually some likelihood that the dedicated duo could once again be frolicking in the realms of Presidential empowerment. While Democrats cheer, Republicans may double over with wails of dread and reach for Rudy. FULL STORY

SPOOF OF THE WEEK

COME OUT WITH YOUR
CHECKBOOK OPEN

Being a movie buff with smiling memories of Jimmy Cagney, Joey, more in debt than usual, found himself in a familiar role. “Joey, do you hear me?” the customer service rep called through a bullhorn. “This is Verizon.”
“Whaddaya want?” Joey called back. “This is a final disconnect notice," the voice shot back.

FULL STORY

DOLLARS AND NONSENSE

FED RAISES INTEREST RATES, EXCEPT ON EXISTING MORTGAGES

“Ruined, ruined – we’ll be ruined!” a spokesman for Citibank wailed, as it declared record profits. This will break us,” a spokewoman for Bank of America bemoaned. Their comments sound reminiscent of the cries that might otherwise echo in the hallways of homes that would, in the wake of rising rates, be foredoomed to foreclosure. FULL STORY

WHAT THE TECH

APPLE SUED OVER LOGO BY APPLE FARMER

“What do these boys mean,” the farmer demanded, “claiming they own a picture of an apple with a bite out of it? My father started this here apple orchard over a hundred years ago, and we’ve had a picture of an apple with a bite out of it on the side of our roadside farm stand for nigh onto seventy-five years. As far as I’m concerned, these Silicon Valley slickers have infringed on my copyright and should name their fancy gadgets after something besides produce." FULL STORY

HEALTHY HUMOR

SEX SURVEYS OF TEENAGERS PROVE INACCURATE; YOUTHS TEND TO BECOME VIRGINS AGAIN

The researchers, unaccustomed to the concept of recurring virginity, decided to sort out the confusing result. They have now ascertained the cause of the puzzling return to a virginal state. It appears that many teens opt to take a vow of chastity after they’ve had some experience in the absence of that demanding virtue. Once they’ve taken the vow, they are inclined to decide that the experiences they had before their new devotion to chastity don’t count anymore. FULL STORY

LAW AND LAUGHTER

POLYGAMISTS MARCH;
DEMAND VOLUME DISCOUNT ON MARRIAGE LICENSES

The demonstration was incited when a breakaway member of the Mormon Church was buying so many marriage licenses that he had to rob a bank to pay for them. The bearded leader of the march explained, “When people only buy one marriage license, we can see why they have to pay the full freight. But when you’re like us and buy them on a regular basis, it’s only fair that you ought to get a break on the price.” FULL STORY

CULTURE AND COMEDY

AVANT GARDE COMPOSER CREATES NEW PIECE, CALLED MAKING POPCORN

In an interview prior to the concert, the composer commented on the work, which was commissioned by the Boston Pops. “It’s a new piece for percussion. As you know, there have been more additions to the percussion section of the orchestra than to any other one. Take, for instance, the brake drum and the ratchet, which is really just a noisemaker. My hope is that the success of my new composition will make the popcorn machine a standard ingredient of the symphony orchestra. FULL STORY

WHAT'S ENTERTAINMENT

TOM CRUISE RENOUNCES SCIENTOLOGY; BECOMES MOSLEM FUNDAMENTALIST

Troubled by his apparently self-destructive behavior, we were able to arrange an interview. Newslaugh: You seem to be behaving in rather odd ways lately, Tom. What’s behind it all? Cruise: You have no idea what it’s like to suddenly find yourself the most popular movie star in the world when you can’t possibly see any reason you’d reach such a pinnacle. So what happens is you get this really subliminal desire to take yourself down. Newslaugh: Oh, so that’s why you’re acting like a jackass?
FULL STORY

SPORTS SHORTS

DESPITE VIDEO-GAME MANIA, LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL STILL HITS IT OFF WITH KIDS

There upon the field were arrayed preteens and teenagers, outfitted in baseball uniforms touting the usual major league entities – such as the Mets and the inevitable Dodgers. Within hardly an inning, the gamesters proved capable, not only of pitching, catching, and hitting the ball, but of actually being able to become excited by participation in the traditional pastime. As daylight faded and the lights shone forth, I was winningly assured that there is hope for the youth of America and, by extension, for resilient youth everywhere. FULL STORY

CLEVER MONKEY
OF THE WEEK

IRANIAN PRESIDENT AHMANDINEJAD

For sitting right down and pretending to write a letter to President Bush to add interest to his own tyrannical pontifications.
FULL STORY

FUNNY WEATHER

DOLPHINS RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER BY NAME; ALSO PLAY
POKER ON SATURDAY NIGHT

Dolphins, which we already know are unusually bright, especially for mammals without arms or legs, are apparently even smarter than we suspected. FULL STORY

WITTY QUOTE
OF THE WEEK

"They couldn't find the artist, so they hung the picture."
Anonymous

                About Tom Attea,
Humorist & Creator Of NewsLaugh
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