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SANELY FUNNY COVER STORY

HAPPY TRAILS, AMERICA!
BUT WHERE ARE THEY?

Uncle Sam On A Horse As A Cowboy, Lost, With An Equally Lost Sidekick

Judging by the current national sentiment, Uncle Sam has once again wandered off the happy trails on which we’d prefer him to ride. But can we, just the usual joshing sidekick, possibly help him wend his way back through the tumbleweeds?

Well, at least, we can give it a go.

To begin, let's ask how the most sagely free and prosperous nation can often wander so distressingly far from the path on which we may find the preconditions of contentment, including the wide laudation of our allies, and even encouragement toward our own bliss?

What if we search for clues by separating what has guided us, nationally and internationally, into two visions: the steps we, as a nation, must take and the steps we choose to take.

As you'll see in the full story, we will discover, in our search for the way home, where we have often been led astray: primarily, international conduct about which we have a choice.

And we will conclude by saying that what we need is not the coercion of those who disagree with us, but the encouragement of those who wish to emulate us.

What we need is America, not so much as a power in the world, but more as an example that might truly win the world to what we believe are the most salutary ideals.

With such signposts, we might once again find ourselves on happy trails – and know, for the first time, how to keep ourselves and our fabled white charger squarely on them.
FULL STORY

DREADLINE OF THE WEEK

IRAN ACCEPTS EUROPEAN NUKE DEAL: INCLUDES INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO MAKE AN A-BOMB

European nations negotiating with Iran over its suspect nuclear program initially offered the errant nation a free light-water nuclear reactor. The President of Iran, however, responded by becoming predictably irate at what he considered a "colonial" insult and immediately rejected it.

Determined to reach agreement without a conflict, the European nations then opted to come right out with exactly what the fundamentally wrong mullahdom yearns for: instructions on how to make an atom bomb.

The offer was immediately accepted by Iranian President Ahmajinedad, who stated, “Thank you, thank you so much! Now, we have exactly what we want."

"The crisis is over," French President Jacques Chirac assured an anxious world. "We have reached an agreement with Iran - and notice we did it without having to go to war."

The United States, in a surprise move, congratulated both sides, citing a geographical reason . "We think the settlement is just fine," President Bush said. "After all, our European allies are a lot closer to Iran than we are."

Israel continues to be the only holdout. As Prime Minister Ehud Olmert maintained, "Unfortunately, we're even closer to Iran than France." FULL STORY

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SHREDITORIAL

ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER
PLAYS GOOD GUY;
PALESTINIANS PLAY DEAF

Responding to the plight of Palestinians in regard to healthcare, Prime Minister Ehud Olmert played good guy, saying that Israel would buy drugs and medical equipment for hospitals in Gaza, using funds it is withholding from tax and customs receipts it has collected for the Palestinians since Hamas came to power. The Palestinians, who might well respond to his kind overture, have so far just played deaf. FULL STORY

HEY, USA

MEXICAN IMMIGRANTS
FLOCK TO
NATIONAL GUARD;
HOPE TO PATROL BORDER

On hearing of President Bush’s intention to send the National Guard to patrol our borders with Mexico, Mexican immigrants flocked to Guard headquarters across the nation to sign up for duty. While waiting in line, an applicant, Carlos Amigos, told us, “The President has given us a truly wonderful opportunity to help our families and friends in Mexico. Now we have a much better chance of helping them get to America.” FULL STORY

FOREIGN FUN

SADDAM HUSSEIN ACCUSED
OF CRIMES AGAINST TIES

Saddam Hussein, now formally charged with crimes against humanity, is now faced with charges by irate tie makers.

“This man is guilty of killing the tie business,” a representative of the plaintiffs stated immediately after his arrival from New York’s garment district. “You can see the evidence just by looking. Every day he shows up for his trial wearing a white shirt without a tie. I ask you, what kind of example is that? ”

FULL STORY

WASHINGTON SPIN DIN

NOMINEE INSISTS CIA MUST GET OUT OF THE NEWS;
NO SECRET AGENTS LEFT

Four-Star General Michael Hayen, in confirmation hearings before the Senate, insisted that it’s time for the CIA “to get out of the news.” The General, continuing to make his case, pleaded, “How can you infiltrate a terror cell undetected when your face has been plastered all over the world?”
FULL STORY

SPOOF OF THE WEEK

SURPRISE VISITORS AT
GROUP OF SEVEN SUMMIT

“I want it back,” the brazen intergalactic visitor, Interstellar Rockefeller, announced. “What?” the British Prime Minister wanted to know. “The planet!” he insisted, and held out his hand. His lawyer put a scroll of parchment in it. “Here’s the eviction notice.”

The First of Two Installments.
FULL STORY

DOLLARS AND NONSENSE

CONSUMER PRICES
GAS UP; SURPRISED,
WALL STREET TANKS

As the price of gasoline continued its flaming ascent and interest rates rose, Wall Street tanked. A frazzled investor, who witnessed his portfolio lose over 50% of its value in five minutes, took a swig of Mylanta, and said, “I’ve gotten used to the ups and downs. The only thing that goes up all the time is my blood pressure.” FULL STORY

WHAT THE TECH

APPLE OPENS STORE ON BORDER NEAR TIJUANA; CONSIDERS IT HIGH TRAFFIC ZONE

CEO Steve Jobs commented, “We want to have an Apple store wherever there is a lot of people, and it’s hard to think of a more likely location than the Mexican border just across from Tijuana. When those Mexicans come running across, we want to be there to sell them an Apple product.”
FULL STORY

HEALTHY HUMOR

PAT ROBERTSON
CONFESSES! GOD UPSET WITH HIM; TELLS HIM HE LOST HIS MIND

In the wake of having reported that God told him Tsunami-like storms were likely to hit U. S. coasts this year, Pat Robertson appeared on his transparently acquisitive TV program visibly shaken, and announced, “God has told me something else, and it’s something I didn’t want to hear. He said, ‘Pat, you lost your mind.’” FULL STORY

LAW AND LAUGHTER

ENRON TRIAL
GOES TO JURY; KEN LAY
DOESN'T NOTICE

“Well, to tell you the truth,” Mr. Lay said, “I hardly ever notice anything. I mean, I didn’t notice anything was wrong when Enron’s finances were going up in flames. So it’s only understandable that I wouldn’t notice a little thing like the jury going off to deliberate how much time I’ll spend in jail.”
FULL STORY

CULTURE AND COMEDY

ANCIENT MAYAN MUMMY
PROVES A TATTOO IS FOREVER

Curiously enough, the mummy’s bones revealed what at first appeared to be dichotomous lifestyles. She was apparently motherly, because bone evidence revealed that she had given birth to a child, but a variety hardly motherly clubs were also found buried with her. An archaeologist explained the seeming duality of tenderness and weaponry by stating, “My theory is that she went to the grave, regretting the tattoos and asked to be buried with clubs so she could ward off any evil spirits who might arrive to apply even more tattoos.” FULL STORY

WHAT'S ENTERTAINMENT

THE DA VINCI CODE:
THIS YEAR'S BIBLICAL
BOX-OFFICE BONANZA

Given the big numbers that major studios have to turn to make a return on a movie, it’s hardly a wonder that they keep turning to what they, in their needy hearts, consider the biggest subjects available. Here they can find one topic after another that, treated cannily enough, is guaranteed to outrage the sensibilities of millions of comparatively sincere and innocent people – and, as a result, garner enough free publicity to ensure that just another mundane redo of Biblical history will become a must-see movie for millions.
FULL STORY

SPORTS SHORTS

HOCKEY SUMMER SEASON; WILL BE PLAYED ON ROLLER SKATES

Professional hockey associations, long mournful of the unfortunately uneconomical seasonal nature of their game have decided to give the boys of summer a run for their money. To effect the balmy transformation, the teams will exchange their footwear from ice skates to roller skates.

The players are not entirely comfortable with the proposal. One star of the game expressed concern, saying, “I’m really great on ice skates, but I never even put on a pair of roller skates.”

FULL STORY

CLEVER MONKEY
OF THE WEEK

FORMER PRESIDENT
BILL CLINTON

For getting a $5 Million advance to pen a book about his numerous charitable activities. FULL STORY

FUNNY WEATHER

FLOODS STRIKE NEW ENGLAND; LOBSTERS ENTER KITCHENS

A resident of Bangor, Maine, stated, "I never thought I’d see the day when lobsters would show up for dinner of their own free will.”
FULL STORY

WITTY QUOTE
OF THE WEEK

"I did not say that this meat was tough. I just said I didn't see the horse that usually stands outside."
W. C. Fields

About Tom Attea, Humorist
And Creator Of NewsLaugh

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