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SANELY FUNNY COVER STORY



Make War As Make Nice
Israel's Commendable But Costly Military Tactic

Ehud Olmert, shrugging with palms up and caption: "Please, evacuate.  We plan to drop a bomb."

Has a nation every conducted a war like the one Israel waged against Hezbollah? Instead of the usual “war is hell,” it was more like an attempt to conduct war as make nice.

Now that a cease fire is in place, fragile as it may be, let's review the tactic and how it weathered the war.

Did we hear announcements from Israel anywhere remotely near “We will destroy you to the last man”?

No, we heard niceties like: "… terrorist elements ... are using you as human shields by launching rockets toward the state of Israel from your homes."

"All cars and vehicles of any type will be shelled if seen moving south of the Litani River because they will be considered suspect of transferring rockets, military ammunitions and those causing destruction.”

“You need to know that anyone moving in any type of car will put their life in danger."

Leaflets warned of a "painful and strong" response to attacks by Hezbollah and warned the residents of three suburbs in the south of Lebanon to evacuate.

And, to make nice even more, Israel granted the Red Cross "freedom of movement" for its convoys, which have been providing aid to people in Lebanon.

The effort was sort of like a dentist attempting to pull a tooth with his fingers, instead of using forceps. So he pulls a little here and there, and every time the patient winces, he stops, until he and the patient give up, and the tooth is still stuck right where it was. FULL STORY


DREADLINE OF THE WEEK

Foiled Again!
The Attack Of The
Citizen Killers

Thanks to British intelligence, with a little help from a wise and noble Muslim informer, another attack by Al-Qaeda has been foiled. And just in the turban of time. The suspects had recently received a coded message from Pakistan, where the authorities were closing in on the criminal minds, to "attack now."

If our success rate at foiling Al-Qaeda’s demonic plots continues, this mad band of citizen killers may have to rename themselves Alibi.

Yet our preparedness on the home front is not as thorough as we would hope. Although The Department of Homeland Security has hardened cockpit doors and screens for guns and knives, experts say it has accomplished little against plastic and liquid explosives, along with bombs in air cargo and shoulder-fired missiles.

US Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff noted with his usual insight that the plan was "suggestive of an al Qaeda plot." He then vowed to handle the tense development as effectively as he did the Katrina debacle.

President Bush leaped to the mikes to make political hay, saying the arrests are a "stark reminder" that the U.S. is "at war with Islamic fascists." We’re sure the appellation “Islamic fascists” won high praise in minarets around the world.
FULL STORY

SHREDITORIAL

Oil Update From BP:
A Bear Ate The Pipeline

HEY, USA

Survey Shows Americans
Not As Polarized As
Politicians And Newscasters

FOREIGN FUN

France and America Agree
On Issue; Both Nations Declare National Holiday

WASHINGTON SPIN DIN

SPOOF OF THE WEEK

Al-Qaeda In Hell
Or
Allah’s Surprising Ingratitude

CULTURE & COMEDY

PBS Fires Cinderella;
Calls Display Of Bare Foot Scandalous

TECH HUMOR

Bye, Bye, Boob Tube

CLEVER MONKEY

Mike Wallace
For Calling The Madman Of Iran “Impressive”

WITTY QUOTE

"In base times active men are of more use than virtuous."

Francis Bacon


About Tom Attea, Humorist

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