TOTALLY SAFE SEX
Jane was running from Don, who was chasing her around his studio apartment, holding out a sheet of paper and a pen.
“Sweetheart, I love you!” Don called. “Just sign here.”
“Leave me alone,” Jane replied, and kept running. “I’m insulted.”
“Why?” Don wanted to know. “I just want to feel safe.”
“From me?” she asked. “I told you I love you. Isn’t that enough?”
“What if you change your mind – after we have sex? I can see the headlines right now. ‘Law Student Accused Of Date Rape!’ My career would be over, before it even starts.”
“Do you seriously think I would do that?”
“Of course, not. All I’m asking for is a little peace of mind, in case you ever change your mind about us. Just sign this simple Sex Consent Form, and we can go on to enjoy a night of bliss.”
“Where has love gone?” Jane asked. “Paris risking all for Helen? Romeo, doing the same for Juliet?”
“And think of all the trouble they got into! And that was before aggressive guys and paranoid women made us all hesitant about our normal inclinations. Don’t you ever worry you’re out with the wrong kind of guy?”
“Yes, like right now.”
“But you know I love you.”
“Strangely enough, I have the same problem with you.”
“Then remove the only thing that stands between us,” he said, holding out the consent form. “Needless risk.”
“Give it to me!” Jane fairly shouted at him, and grabbed the contract. “Sex Consent Form,” she read aloud, and looked up at him mockingly. “Don’t tell me this is a Don original?”
“Yes, it is. There's not a lot of boiler-plate in the category.”
“I want you to hear how stupid this sounds,” she informed him, and continued to read it to him. “’I –‘”
“See, I already filled your name in,” Don interposed, with a romantic knot is his throat.
"’I, Jane Palmer, consent to have sex with Donald W. Armstrong on the night of ... ‘” Her voice trailed off and she looked up at him. “You already put tonight’s date in. How could you be so confident?"
“Because I know you love me,” he said, smiling weakly and hoping to excuse his transgression.
Jane went back to reading. "... on the night of March 10th, 2006, between the hours of 8 PM and 12 AM." She paused and looked up again. “Four hours, Don? I didn’t know you‘re that much of a man.”
“Only with you, darling,” he replied.
“No wonder you want protection,” she said, and flatteringly accused him, adding, “you sex machine.”
“Thank you, dear,” he replied. “Look what comes next.”
"During said time, the aforementioned woman consents to have up to ten orgasms." She looked up, with flushed cheeks. “Ten orgasms?”
“I just wanted to make sure we’re covered. You can have more if you want them.”
“More?” Jane wanted to know. “Maybe I’m the one here who needs protection.”
“We can stop anytime you say so. I promise.”
“Who said anything about stopping. I’m a very nice but a very excitable woman. What if I want to come more than ten times?”
“More than ten?”
“I’ve always been multi-orgasmic.”
“Oh. Well, I wouldn’t want us to exceed the terms of the agreement. How many orgasms do you think you might have?”
“Twelve? It’s at times like this that a man wonders why he’s the one who does the chasing.”
“What do I do?” she asked, pen poised.
“Just ‘X’ out the ten, put twelve, and initial the change.”
“Oh, Don, I’m so crazy about you,” she said, and revised the agreement. Then she continued to read. "’I hereby acknowledge that I am entering into this agreement of my own free will and that I may choose to renew it with said male from this day forward simply by resigning and dating the agreement in the spaces provided below.” She looked up, smiling coyly. “My, what a long list of spaces. You are such a wild man.”
“Thanks,” he replied, and pointed. “Just sign there.”
“OK,” she said. “There, I did it.”
“Thank you so much,” Don told her, with a trace of excitement rising within him. They kissed and started to become passionate.
“Just one more thing,” he managed to say.
“What, Don?” she asked breathlessly.
“We need a witness.”
“Not to worry,” he assured her. “I have one standing by.”
“Who? Where?” she asked, startled. “This is so embarrassing.”
“No, it’s not,” he assured her. “I picked somebody you don’t know.”
“He knows about this agreement?” she demanded.
“No, no, I told him I’m selling you a piece of furniture. He hardly speaks English, so he’ll never even read it.”
“Oh. Well, where is he?”
“I told him I’d call him,” Don said, and gave her a kiss. “Be right back.”
He crossed to the phone and dialed. To reassure her that everything was fine, he said, “Just think, in just a few minutes we’ll be having safe sex.”
“Yes, dear,” she said.
“Ready, Romeo,” Don said, and hung up.
“That’s his name. He’s Hispanic.”
He crossed to her, and she opened her arms. They began to kiss again, and this time they grew even more passionate. Then the doorbell rang.
“Let me get that,” Don said, disengaging himself and straightening his hair. He picked up the agreement, went quickly to the door, and opened it. “Thanks for coming. Just sign here.”
“Yes, sir. It’s my pleasure,” Romeo said, trying to peek in.
Jane waved at him gingerly.
Romeo took out his eyeglasses and began to put them on.
“What are you doing?” Don asked.
“I never sign anything without reading it,” the super informed him.
Don reached into his pocket and took out a $20 bill. He held it out.
“Here,” Don said, “read this.”
“Ah, senor Don. Thank you,” Romeo said.
“Right there,” Don pointed out.
Romeo affixed his signature with flair and held out his hand.
“Thanks,” Don said.
“Would you like me to help move the furniture out?” he asked, glancing past Don to Jane.
“No, no, that’s OK. It’s nothing really,” Jane assured him.
“Good night,” Don told him.
“Buenas Nochas,” Romeo said.
Don closed the door and turned to Jane.
“Alone, at last,” he said, and threw the agreement aside.
He hurried to her outstretched arms and they embraced again.
“Do you have condoms?” Jane asked.
“Yes,” he said, catching his breath between kisses.
“How many?” she asked, as they continued to kiss.
“Two boxes,” Don said.
“How many in each box?” she wanted to know.
“Six,” he said, and began to move his hands all over her body.
“That’s twelve,” she said, with a trace of glee.
“As per contract!” Don told her.
“Oh,” she exclaimed, “I’m so happy I signed!”
“Safe, at last,” he added.
And their night of bliss moved ahead, as carefree as it might have before love became as encumbered as it has with our current anxieties.
By Tom Attea