HUMOROUS FICTION

MASS MURDERER SHOOTS SELF FIRST

It was just another day at the mall, until a crazed man in a camouflage outfit stood up on the roof of the Wal-Mart, raised his assault rifle, and screamed, “I came here to kill! Kill as many of you as possible! And then kill myself!”

The people in the parking lot looked up, saw the threatening spectacle, and scattered for cover.

“But why us?” an upset grandma called from her hideout behind the nearest car she could get to.

“What did we ever do to you?” a grandpa called from behind another car.

“We don’t even know you,” a young man asked, probably out of work or he wouldn’t have been at the mall at midday.

“We’re innocent bystanders,” a hapless mother added, protecting her child with her arms.

“I know all that,” the crazed man called back. “That’s why I’m here. It makes my crime more awful. So I’ll be more famous!”

A patrol car happened to be driving by. The two cops noticed something suspicious and got out. They looked up and saw the crazed man.

“Drop it!” the first cop said, aiming his own pistol from behind his car.

“Or we’ll shoot,” the second cop said.

“No need for that,” the crazed man yelled back.

Growing impatient, the grandma shouted to the police, “Shoot him, shoot him! Before he shoots us!”

“He came here to kill us and then kill himself,” the trembling grandpa added.

“Is what they say true?” the first cop demanded.

“Yes, I admit it!” the crazed man said. “But my plan is different – different than any of you suspect. And nobody can stop me!”

“Why not?” the second cop asked.

“Because I’m going to shoot myself first.”

“Did you say, you’re going to shoot yourself first?” the first cop asked, confused.

“That’s right!” the crazed man insisted.

“Then how can you kill anyone else?” the second cop asked, befuddled, and turned to the other cop. “Is this guy a loon or what?"

"Better call for reinforcements,” the first cop advised him.

“You got it,” the second cop agreed. “Keep him talking till they get here.”

Then he crept toward the car phone.

“He’s crazy,” the young man acknowledged.

“Protect us, please,” the housewife pleaded, caressing her child ever closer.

“Can you explain that a little more clearly?” the first cop asked.

“All right! All right!” the crazed man called. “Here’s the plan. And I want it reported just the way I say it, OK?”

“We have no control over the press,” the cop replied. “But we’ll tell it like it is.”

“Thanks!” the crazed man called. “I can’t ask for more.”

“So exactly what is on your mind?” the first cop wanted to know.

“Well, I thought about my intentions and said to myself, if I’m gonna come here and kill a lot of people and then kill myself, I might as well start with myself.”

The second cop crept back. “They’re on the way.”

“We may not need them,” the first cop replied. “Did you hear this nut? Listen.” He turned back to the crazed man. “I hear ya. You say you’re gonna kill yourself first.”

“You got it! I mean, if you think about it, it’s just common sense. I’ll be dead either way. But this way, nobody else has to die. It seems like the thoughtful thing to do.”

“But why kill yourself at all?” the second cop asked.

“Because I’m a mass murderer!” the crazed man shouted back. “Nothing can change my intentions. Only I’ve got common sense.”

With that, he took his rifle, pointed it at himself, and yelled. “Get ready to die! Die! Die!”

Then, without further ado, he pulled the trigger and completed his mission.

The crowd looked at one another in disbelief and slowly emerged from behind the parked cars.

“It’s all right, folks,” the first cop said, standing up. “He shot himself first.”

“My hero,” the grandma said.

“Sets a good example for other folks like him, don’t it?” the grandpa agreed.

“I don’t know what the world is comin’ to,” the first cop said, “A mass murderer who makes a hero of himself.”

“Wait till the papers get a hold of this one,” the second cop admitted. “Before they’re done, he’ll not only be a nobody who became famous. He’ll be a saint!”

By Tom Attea

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