SPOOF OF THE WEEK

Just Say No To Sex

Dr. Coburn Shows You How!

(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the second installment; previous ones are presented below each new installment, in case you miss one.)

"They all seem impressively genuine in their intentions," Dr. Coburn replied. "As young people are prone to do, they actually want to do their part to help save the world – and now they see a practical way to proceed.”

“We shall see. But, even if you are able to inculcate your linguistic nonsense, how long do you expect they'll abstain before their fulminating libidos overwhelm your flimsy barricades?”

“Until they are comfortably and safely married. I also assume that the most diligent students will continue to maintain a commendable degree of procreative moderation in wedlock.”

“Please, they’d all be much safer simply using condoms.”

“Condoms? Oh, don't even mention the word. How unnatural, how risky, how–“

“– About waiting for time to reveal the answer?” she interrupted, and then, sighing, said, “Dear me, the greatest liability a bright person can have today is the lack of a solid scientific background. Your well-intentioned mind simply does not have the knowledge required to innovate credibly in the field you have chosen. It is infested with so many cobwebs you simply can’t extricate yourself from them.”

“Cobwebs to you, Prissy. Compassionate conservatism to me!”

“Yes, out with the new, in with the old! Let us champion antiquated ideas, trotted out as innovations. Luddites of the world, unite!”

“I admit it proudly! Antiquated ideas are my favorite kind. They have withstood the test of time and, therefore, their merit is self-evident.” Then he leaned forward and issued, what was to her, a particularly disheartening admonition. “Prepare yourself, Priscilla. The worldwide adoption of my method will actually make the need for your misguided educational programs and medical research superfluous.”

“Doctor Coburn, you are – in the field in which you are dabbling – a most ignorant, insensitive, and dangerous man.”

“Ignorant! Insensitive! And dangerous? Ah, now I know well the ridicule innovators have had to deal with from time immemorial. I can, at this juncture, even sympathize with the early plight of my arch-nemesis, Freud. What courage he had to persist against the Victorian tide. I shall borrow a page from him, however, not in terms of his erroneous unearthing of the sex drive, but in admirable doggedness.”

“Please, don’t confound yourself with Freud. Your approach is not only unrealistic; it’s the most cockamamie – “

“– Dr. Ernst, if you please. One of my all-time least favorite words is ‘cockamamie.’ What a regrettable morass of mortifying associations.”

“Excuse me, Richard. Sometimes your prudery is revelatory. I shall simply call it runaway ignorance.” “I think I have now endured enough of the slings of professional jealousy. Do you think I don’t know the medical school is beside itself because this historic advance in sexual behavior-modification has come from the sociology department?”

“Not at all, Doctor. The truth, like it or not, is that at the medical school we must be entirely realistic every moment. Lives depend on the pragmatic orderliness of our procedures. Above all, we know we must deal with humanity as we find it – fragile and excitable humanity. We also know that at this particular time in history, due to the plethora of unwanted pregnancies, burgeoning overpopulation, and widespread STDs, Mother Nature has us, like it or not, by the balls!”

“Shame on you, Priscilla! What language – and for a woman of your distinction.”

“Oh, fiddlesticks! Would you be happier if I said it has us by the ovaries?”

“Don’t make light of the dire situation we find ourselves in. You have forgotten one very important aspect of my method. It is a new reality, not a method of contraception that has proved inadequate to our overheated desires or the gleam in a frantic researcher’s eye. No, no, mine is a pragmatic approach that is available for immediate implementation.”

“Oh, Dickie – “

“– Priscilla, please. You know how I feel about that alternate appellation.”

“Yes, dear,” she replied with a trace of sympathy. “Sorry.”

“About what?”

“Calling you ‘dear.’”

“Oh. I didn’t notice.”

“Of course,” she said, resigning herself to his hurtful indifference and moving forward with her argument. “But somewhere beneath your self-assured surface, certainly you suspect the eternal inclinations of man and woman. How can you possibly think that your so-called method can moderate the tidal wave of sexual desire that sweeps through the world at every moment? How can it restrain the young, whose entire physical being throbs with sexual eagerness? Or the poor, who have precious few other pleasures? Or the wealthy, who perpetually court indulgence?”

“My dear Dr. Ernst, what you obviously fail to understand is that I don't merely ask people just to say no to sex. I provide, in a series of one hundred compelling and self-evidently true axioms the resources the human will requires to be victorious – axioms that will one day no doubt be viewed as the Euclidean geometry of sexual resistance.”

“Sorry, I remain unimpressed.”

“Why? Because you’ve been dethroned. While you and your realistic colleagues have trusted to sexual propriety in the heat of desire and the far horizon of medical research, I have had the insight to see the gold at my feet.”

“Fool's gold, I'm afraid!”

“On the contrary, a solid gold chain every link of which consists of irrefutable logic – a step-by-step approach in which every statement follows the other as relentlessly as one moment follows its antecedent! Take, for example, Coburn's First Axiom of Abstinence. I dare you to find a flaw in it,” he challenged, and took the book from the coffee table. He opened it and held it toward her, as he recited, ‘Sex leads to pregnancy. Pregnancy leads to overpopulation. Therefore, sex must be avoided.’ Argue with that, if you dare!”

“Richard, the argument is not with your self-evident nonsense but with your hopes for compliance. How on earth do you expect such a flimsy train of premises and conclusions to compel the world’s billions to adhere to sexual abstinence?”

“Mock me if you must, Priscilla! Nevertheless, my hopes are being confirmed as more and more conscientious students sign up for my truly enlightened method.”

“To learn what? To say no to sex, despite every natural proclivity and temptation, say no despite drunkenness or drugs? Sorry, Richard. I much prefer condoms to Coburn.”

“Oh, Dr. Ernst, the effrontery even to mention my name in apposition to that sine qua non of imperfect prophylaxis.”

At that moment, the doorbell rang. Doctor Coburn looked at his watch. “Ah, ha,” he announced, “that must be my new star applicant, Dan Fox.”

“Fox? He wants to sign up?” “Correct. He called to apply right before you arrived. Naturally, I invited him to come over right away, lest the legendary stud have second thoughts.”

“I can't believe his interest is at all genuine.”

“Then it’s a fine fortuity that he has arrived while you’re still here.”

“If by some chance you are able to exert even modest restraints on him, how many young girls’ hopes you’ll shatter. It’s preposterous to think you can control him, given the number of girls who’d tear their own clothes off to hop into the sack with him.”

Just then Melanie entered the room, and said, “Didn't I hear the doorbell ring?”

“Yes, dear. I think it's Dan Fox.”

Melanie seemed unusually upset. “Dan Fox? What's he doing here?”

“He wants to enroll in my course.”

“Daddy, come on. He's the last guy in the world –“

“– Now, now, Mel, don’t prejudge him.” He noticed her hesitation. “Please, just get the door.”

“Sure,” she consented, with a bit of teeth grinding.

He stood proudly while Melanie walked there.

She took a deep breath and pulled it open. “What are you doing here?” she asked the handsome athlete.

“Hi, Melanie,” he replied. “I want to sign up for you dad’s course.”

“Sure, you do,” she said, indicating she suspected him of harboring an unspoken motive.

“Let him in, Mel,” Doctor Coburn called.

“All right,” she agreed, and stood aside.

“Thanks,” he told her.

“Dan, my boy, come right in,” Coburn called.

“Thank you!” he replied, with as much transparent enthusiasm as he could muster.

Melanie closed the door and observed as her father put out his hand.

“Welcome, Fox.”

“Glad to be here,” he said, glancing at the skeptical observer beside his new-found mentor. “You know Dr. Ernst?” Coburn asked.

“Yes, I do,” Dan said. “Hi, Dr. Ernst.”

“Hello, Mr. Fox,” she replied distantly.

“I'm delighted you made the big decision to study with me, Dan,” Dr. Coburn said.

“Thanks,” he replied. “I'm convinced it's the responsible thing to do – I mean, with all the problems sex can cause.”

“Good, Dan!” Dr. Coburn exclaimed. “I see that, besides brawn, you've got brains.”

“Thank you, sir. My ideal is, like the ancient Greeks said, ‘a sound mind in a sound body.’”

“In a very sound body,” Dr. Ernst commented. “The girls tell me you're quite irresistible.”

“Thanks. But it’s not my fault. I was born this way.”

“But you can rise above it, I assure you,” Dr. Coburn advised him.

“That’s my goal,” Dan said. “I need to save my energy for football.”

“Tell me, Dan,” Dr. Ernst inquired, “what makes you believe Doctor Coburn’s method can work for you? Have you read his new book?”

“Not yet,” Dan admitted, “but I've heard a lot about it. From what I can tell, it appeals to the mind – and I like that. Mind over body – the same thing you need in the fourth quarter when you're behind and you have to do a lot more than you think you can.”

Dr. Coburn turned to Dr. Ernst, and told her, “I have great faith in this young man.” Then he eyed Dan critically. “My hope is that you’ll become one of my star pupils.”

Somehow, this comment cut Melanie to the quick, and she said, “Dad, I need to speak with you.”

“Later, dear. In the meantime, please, escort Mr. Fox to my study and get him signed up.”

She looked at Dan with condescension. “I cannot believe this! Come on.”

“Thanks, Melanie,” he said, and followed her.

“What do you think?” Dr. Coburn asked.

“Me? Oh, I also have great faith in him,” she replied wryly. “Did you notice the way he looked at your daughter?”

“No, I didn’t. It all seemed rather usual to me.”

“Really?” she asked. “And why do you think Melanie seemed so uneasy? Could she by any chance be infatuated with him?”

“Mel? Oh, please, she’s far too well trained for such an indiscretion.”

“Richard, sometimes you are a blind ass. Fox obviously has something on his mind other than learning how to say no to sex.”

“You suspect he's only here because he’s interested in Melanie? Little Melanie, with all the voluptuous women who are at his beck and call?”

“I have a proposition.”

“You mean, a proposal?”

“Whatever. You teach him your method as best you can. Then you arrange for him and Melanie to be alone for an evening.”

“Alone?”

“Yes, and Melanie must be given instructions that she is to try every wile she can manage to break down his willpower. If he maintains his indifference to her advances, I will leave you to proselytize as extensively as you can. On the other hand, if by some chance he cannot resist her charms and succumbs, you will admit defeat and cease to promulgate your method.”

“But poor Melanie – to subject her to such an excruciating experience.”

“Don’t tell me you suspect she might be in any sort of danger? Richard, if your method is half as good as you say it is, she’ll be faced with an insurmountable, and therefore an entirely risk-free, task.”

“But to ask her to do something so contrary to her lifelong training–“

“Yes, but think of the possible benefits if you succeed with Dan. Your triumph will resonate throughout the campus. I’ll withdraw all my objections and recommend that the medical school withdraw its. Then you'll have a free hand on campus and on to the welcoming arms of a desperate world!”

“Do you I have your word on that?”

“Absolutely. Now, how long do you need to indoctrinate Mr. Fox?”

“That depends on how much time he’s willing to give me. But in no event will I require more than one month.”

“Then you've got a deal,” she said, and put out her hand.

“Deal, Priscilla!” he affirmed, and gave her hand a hearty shake. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.”

“My pleasure, Richard.”

“Don’t forget your gift,” he told her, and picked up the autographed copy of his book from the coffee table.

She accepted it.

As he walked her to the door, she said, “Good luck. You'll need it.”

“Thank you, Priscilla,” he replied, “but not nearly as much luck as you’ll need.”

She gave him a peck on the cheek, and his face flushed to a degree that slightly embarrassed him. “Till then,” she said, and went out the door.

End of Second Installment

First Installment

“Excellent, Dan! See you today for your first class,” Dr. Richard Coburn told the university’s star football player, who had just called to sign up for the doctor’s controversial course in abstinence, which was based on his hot new book, Just Say No To Sex. Since Dan Fox, like many a star athlete, was much beloved by the girls, his call had surprised even the ebulliently confident doctor.

Just as Dr. Coburn hung up, his lovely and voluptuous daughter, who was also his prize student, returned from class, pausing just long enough to wave good-bye to the latest throng of male admirers who hooted from a passing convertible.

“Hi, bye!” she called, and closed the door, a bit exhausted by another day of fending off the romantic wiles of ever-hopeful young men. “Hi, Daddy!” she said, and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Hello there, Mel,” he replied. “The usual crop of overheated admirers?”

“I'm sorry,” she told him, “but I just can’t seem to make them give up.” Then she crossed the traditionally furnished living room and handed him a bag from the bookstore. “Here’s a present, Daddy.”

“What is it?”

“A copy of your new book.”

“But, child, I’ve got copies of it by the boxful, all ready for the rush of students I anticipate will be knocking down the door.”

“But this one’s different,” she said. “Look inside.”

He opened the cover, and she pointed. “See, I wrote you a note.”

“Why, thank you, Melanie,” he said, and read aloud, “To Daddy. Thanks to you and your wonderful method, I will never procreate or contract a sexually transmitted disease. Love, Mel."

He became tearful. “Ah, my dear, sweet, Melanie – I'm touched. I know your entire life will shine forth like a beacon of hope to all who know the transcendent value of my abstinence-building program. That reminds me. I must autograph a copy, too. I want to give it to Dr. Ernst. She'll be here any minute.”

“Dr. Ernst? What’s she visiting you for? She’s always ridiculing your work?”

“Oh, she’s just a bit piqued that the answer to the population time-bomb and the AIDS epidemic has come, not from her much touted medical school, but from the sociology department.”

“I don’t think there’s any excuse to talk the way she does about your method.”

“Oh, don’t trouble yourself about it. One finally grows used to such competitive behavior. The human race still knows no cure for professional jealousy. But, forgive me – I can't help gloating,” he continued, holding his book high. “Given the way Just Say No To Sex has already started to fly off the bookstore shelves, what harm can anything she says do? Who knows? Perhaps she’s even come to offer her congratulations.”

“Whatever,” Melanie sighed. “I’m sure more and more people will realize how important your work is, no matter what she says. Then they’ll be just like me and won’t have a clue why people do the thing they seem to do and do and do.”

“I haven't got a clue why they do and do it, either, Melanie. Oh, guess what happened while you were in class?”

“What, Daddy?”

“Reader’s Digest called.”

“Really?”

“Yes! They’re considering doing an excerpt!”

“That’s awesome! Congratulations!”

“Thank you, dear. It seems that, with the popular media starting to pay attention to my achievement, I may finally transcend the confines of academic chitchat. I expect that soon we’ll see major reviews of the book and, as a result, I'll be busy on the lecture circuit and making appearances on a variety of talk shows. And, once my method is widely known, in what locale won’t you find a Coburn Club for Sexual Abstinence?”

“It's so great! I can’t wait!”

“Frankly, neither can I. As you well know, I have put the wise, conservative position of just saying no to sex on a solid and irresistible foundation. At last, the supremely ethical remedy is at hand for rampant overpopulation – and the resultant ecological depredation – teenage pregnancy, the heartbreak of abortion, and the scourge of AIDS and other STDs – all thanks to my brilliant new method. And what a magnificent turning point it will be for the highly over-sexed human race. At last, mankind and womankind will have the willpower required to work their way back from the brink of self-inflicted annihilation.”

“Oh, Daddy, I'm so proud of you!” Melanie exclaimed and bent forward to hug him with propriety.

“Thank you, Mel,” he replied, and orated, “So I ask you, with my approach, can sex survive? Oh, I doubt it very, very much, I truly do.”

Just then the doorbell rang. “Ah,” he said, “that must be Dr. Ernst now.” “I'll get the door for you,” Melanie volunteered.

“Thank you, sweetheart.” She crossed to the living room, as he struck a grand pose with his book underarm.

“Hi, Dr. Ernst,” she said, making a special effort to be cordial. “My dad's expecting you.”

“Thank you, Melanie,” the doctor replied, and stepped in.

“Good afternoon, Dr. Ernst,” Dr. Coburn said.

“Hello, Richard,” she responded, rather coldly.

“Would you like a cup of tea or anything?” Melanie asked her.

“No, thank you. I had lunch in the university cafeteria. And, as you know, a meal there does more than satisfy one's appetite. It destroys it.”

“How about you, Daddy?”

“Thank you, Mel. Nothing right now.”

“Excuse me, then. I want to do some abstinence mental training.”

“Good girl. Today, I suggest you concentrate on verbal disassociation.”

“Yes, Daddy,” she agreed, and walked off, reminding herself, “Remember, when anybody mentions sex, quickly think of Texaco or Mexico.”

“Ah, she’s quite a girl,” Doctor Coburn enthused. “I'm extraordinarily proud of her. She has not, like many a young person, fled from her distinguished father’s imposing presence to seek her own ego distinction at a comfortable distance. Quite the contrary. She has wholeheartedly embraced my method. May I offer you a seat?”

“Thank you.”

They sat on the two leather chairs that graced the living room.

“I have a present for you,” he said. “An autographed copy of my new book.”

“Thank you,” she said.

He handed it to her, and she put it on her lap.

“Aren’t you going to read it?”

“I already have,” she said.

“I mean, the inscription.”

“Oh,” she said, and opened the cover. She noted what he had written. “Very nice of you, Richard.” Then she closed the book and placed it on the coffee table.

“Well, what do you think of it?” he asked tentatively.

“Well, I must say it has aroused –“

“’– Aroused,’ Priscilla? Careful with your choice of words,” he advised her, wagging his finger somewhat playfully. “Don't want to key off, as my book cautions, any untoward associations.”

“Oh, Richard, don’t be so persnickety. If we were to exclude every word in the English language that can be construed to have a sexual undercurrent, we would hardly be able to talk.”

“A patent exaggeration!” he replied. “Verbal rectitude is at the very foundation of my method. And quite understandably when you realize what even the smallest intimation can lead to.”

“Of course, Richard. Please, excuse my linguistic ineptitude. Let me say, instead, that your book has precipitated very serious concern at the medical school.”

“Concern, Prissy? I should think in would evoke, at long last, a chorus of undiluted praise!”

“It has, I’m afraid, evoked just the opposite: undiluted consternation.”

“Professional jealousy, pure and simple,” he replied. “There can be no other excuse for such a reaction, when the very survival of the human race may well depend on my method.”

“Oh, please, Richard. Overwrought people with one agenda or another have been invoking Armageddon for millennia, unusually in an attempt to foist some specious belief on the more gullible members of society. Today's challenge for blind and blighted humanity is to imagine, not the end, but the beginning of the human race, well-adjusted to life and the requirements of its responsible stewardship.”

“And the opinion of the medical faculty is that my method offers no hope toward such a laudable goal?”

“Richard, of course, there is some merit in advising abstinence. But to present it as a cure-all offers, we are certain, a very false and ultimately pernicious hope.”

“Oh, Priscilla, I can’t bear it. Out of the illimitable depth of my compassion for humanity and its self-defeating foibles, I have wrought this majestic fountain of immediately applicable wisdom – and you and your colleagues dare to label it as ‘pernicious?’ ‘Pernicious’ when I expect that I shall even find myself being mentioned for the Nobel Prize?”

“I should think, rather, for the dumbbell prize!”

“How heartless of you to hurl such a flat-footed insult my way,” he informed her, and, raising his voice, continued, “There are certain minimum standards of civilized intercourse that I demand we adhere to if this conversation is to continue.”

“Richard, did I just hear you mention the word ‘intercourse’?” she half kidded him. “Don’t want to key off any inadvertent associations.”

“My faux pas,” he admitted, “but you've upset me terribly. You know I admire you and even feel a certain collegial affection for you. So I find your derogations especially upsetting.”

“As I find your overly confident pontification. It fries my nerves. Like most sensitive and educated people, I do not usually even require a direct statement. A hint generally suffices to convey a meaning.”

“I’m sorry if I became too vocal – but to cast aspersions on an intellectual breakthrough so vital – “

"– At the medical school we have taken to calling it Coburn's Folly.”

“Folly?”

“Not invariably. At other times, I've heard it simply referred to as idiotic.”

“How incomprehensibly wrongheaded! Do you suppose I created my method without establishing it on a firm empirical basis? The entire construct grows out of my own remorseful experiences as a young idealist in the city’s Department of Social Services. Oh, Prissy, how hopeless I became as I witnessed the toll undisciplined copulation takes on the downtrodden – excessive and often unwanted pregnancies and the undisciplined spread of STDs. Why, I even had the personal tragedy of seeing a colleague contract the AIDS virus from a tainted needle and waste away unto death. But now, after years of tumultuous creative gestation, I have synthesized the remedy this wretched and over-populous world is crying out for. And I shall not be deterred by the ill-considered quips of you and your colleagues.”

“Richard, I understand the depth of your care – I truly do – and I respect your commendable intentions. There is, nevertheless, good cause for the concern your work has elicited. We at the medical school are worried that the sudden attention being paid to your approach may provide a springboard for conservatives to succeed in securing cutbacks in funding for the sort of programs in which we believe true hope lies, such as genuine sex education and medical research.”

“But my Just Say No To Sex program offers – “

" – a welter of nothing more than ineffectual persiflage!”

“No, no! On the contrary, it offers something you and your colleagues simply refuse to acknowledge – the entirely natural and indubitably ethical panacea. The persistently neglected cure for humanity’s most daunting problems that is built right into every human persona – a splendidly cost-effective remedy requiring only expert reinforcement. I speak of willpower, Dr. Ernst. Willpower, strengthened by my inarguable axioms of sexual abstinence, so that willpower alone may function as an impenetrable bulwark against willy-nilly copulation and its lamentable consequences. I might add that both I and my own daughter are living proof of the efficacy of my method.”

“Richard, have I not known you since childhood? Don’t you recall your overheated youth? Are you even certain, as an adult, of your own capacity for consistent self-denial?”

“I admit I may have strayed in my salad days. But at the time there was no readily available remedy. Now, my resistance is unassailable.”

“Tell me, how long has it been now since your wife fled with the gardener?”

“Three years, during which – “

“– You have never once felt the desire –“

“– Desire is irrelevant. What matters is that my axioms have prevailed absolutely.”

“I suppose you have made yourself into quite the cold potato,” she replied, and then reflected, “I'm afraid I can't say the years have left me as tepid.”

“You, Priscilla, still subject to the idiotic perturbations of desire?”

“Let me rather say that, having reached the age of thirty-nine, with only one brief and inexplicably stupid marriage – oh, how could I have married icy, indifferent Alex – I've found myself feeling deeply saddened when I return to the solitude of my apartment, resentful even, at what I have missed.” Then she snapped herself out of her reverie, and concluded, “But never mind. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Of course, I understand. But I simply have no place for such susceptibilities. Nor does my infinitely admirable Gibraltar of unassailability, Melanie.”

“The poor dear. How you’ve crippled her!”

“Crippled her? On the contrary, I’ve enabled her! Enabled her to be in control of the usual youthful volcano of hormonal activity and its potentially explosive consequences.”

“You’ve trained her totally away from the normal development of her – “

“– most counterproductive urges. Melanie is a beacon that shines forth with the resplendent benefits of my method – a method destined to illuminate the world with the attainability and rewards of sexual abstinence.”

“You’ve had the poor child under you canny thumb since she was an infant. I can’t wait until you try your method on some lifelong libertines.”

“Would you like to see the list of students who've signed up for my crash course?"

“What, since the publication of your book?”

“Yes, I’m virtually undergoing a spring rush – and in balmy August. Just wait until the fall semester begins.”

“Are you sure they haven’t signed up just for the fun of it?”

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