SPOOF OF THE WEEK

The Invention Of Land Creatures

Part Seven of The Invention of Everything;
An Eyewitness Account

Continuing Readers: Please, page down past the brief material in italics.

New Readers: If you missed a previous part, you’ll find it appended after Part Seven. Here’s the brief introduction to these remarkable notes, repeated for your convenience.

An unexpected manuscript showed up in our inbox. We were immediately convinced of its authenticity and decided we had to share it with you. It was accompanied by the following note:

“Hi, there. How’s life working out? Who am I? That’s for me to know and for you to guess. Let me just say that I witnessed the invention of everything. And I kept good meeting notes.

"I wanted every planet to come with an instruction manual, but my suggestion was a nonstarter. I decided the next best thing I could do is release my notes. I hope they help clarify things for you.

"I sent them by Multi-Verse Mail to all the planets projected to have life on them that could read. As far as the earth goes, I addressed it to NewsLugh.com. I figured it would exist about the time the news would come in especially handy. Why a humor magazine? Hey, I think I’m a bit of humorist myself.

"Sorry, but I have to be a little vague about the participants in the meeting, because they’re all very high up the totem pole of the universe and like to keep out of the spotlight. But I assure you that my notes are accurate.

"I thought I’d start with the invention of sex, since that seems to be the foundation of a lot of things. This particular invention was a tough one because we weren’t sure how to make it work.

"For instance, some of the participants wanted direct physical contact. Others thought the male could mail his sperm to the female, and she could deposit it in an egg bank.

"Direct contact between the two, though it seemed like a daring idea at first, won on its overall merits.

"Then the question became, should it feel good or not? I’m happy to say that feeling good won by a unanimous vote. After all, we want you to like us.

"Looking back, I think we made the right decisions, not only about sex, but about everything. And, speaking of everything, you'll find how it was invented in my notes, too, or, at least, the highlights, like land and water, air, heat and light, water and air creatures, land creatures, and details like food, gravity, and magnetism.

"I hope my doodles help you understand why things are the way they are and appreciate our handiwork. Nothing would make me happier.

"In conclusion, I just want you to know we did our best, and I sure hope you like us for what we decided.”

The Invention of Land Creatures

Part Seven of The Invention of Everything;
An Eyewitness Account

When today’s meeting began, there was a special excitement in the air. We had invented the creatures that would go in the water and the air. Now, we were going to invent the land creatures. Once we decided on them, we’d have creatures for all the places where there would be places for them.

“Today’s the big day. We finish inventing creatures. Did you bring any prototypes?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Excellent. Why don’t you take the lead?”

“Thank you. I’ll get to the examples I brought in a moment, but first I’d like to give you an overview of what we have in mind in tech.”

“Please, go ahead.”

“Thank you. As I said in the previous meeting, we plan to utilize the creatures we already have in the water to get some up onto the land.”

“Can you provide some specifics?”

“Of course. Since we already have creatures in the water and in the sky, guess what? Some of them are already spending some time walking on the land.”

“How do they get there?”

“How else? They’re walking around on the bottom of the water. Sometimes, they walk out onto the beach.”

“Makes sense. Can you provide a for instance?”

“Sure. Lobsters.”

“Yes, I can see that.”

“And remember the water birds? Sometimes they fly onto the land.”

“I assume they would.”

“But now we get to the key event. We have these fish that would like to get up onto the land but they can’t.”

“Why not?”

“They don’t have legs.”

“Oh, right. Just tails they wiggle back and forth against the water.”

“Right, but they have one other ingredient that helps them keep their balance.”

“What’s that?”

“Fins.”

“Fins?”

“Yes. We derived the terminology from 'fish inserts.' Now, the fish I’m talking about keep poking their heads out of the water near the land and thinking, Wow, what a lot of uninhabited real estate. It looks inviting, too, because by now we have the land plants.”

“How did we get those?”

“Remember the plants in the water?”

“Yeah.”

“We decided some of them could wash up onto the land and start to grow there. We also plan to have water birds bring some of the seeds and scraps farther inland on their feet. The wind will help out, too.”

“How can water plants grow on the land?”

“What? You think we programmed dumb plants? They’re not only made up of our perfectly responsive atoms and molecules; they consist of plant cells, which know they’re in a do-or-die situation. So they do what we call adopt the land. Excuse me, I mean, adapt to the land.”

“They adapt, not adopt?”

“Well, whatever. Let me put it this way. They behave like orphans who want to be adopted and make all the changes they have to so they can be at home on the land.”

“Smart. So we have plants.”

“Right. And these fish, longing to get up onto the land. For a long time, all they can do is flap their fins. But over a few eons their bodies realize that the fins have to change into – “

“– legs!”

“Right. Neat, huh?”

“Solid, baby.”

“Thanks. So they become what we call amphibians, as in 'I am not fibbing; I have legs and can travel in the water and on the land.' Eventually, some of them like it on land so much they decide to stay there. Since they don’t need to swim anymore, some would even lose the ability.”

“So now we have our first dedicated land creatures?”

“Yes, we do.”

“What happens next?"

"Simple as a dimple. They get together to reproduce and over time they diversify into creatures that fit into every little niche where they can find what they need, principally, food, water, and, of course, mates.”

“Can we see some examples?”

“Sure. Mind if I use projections for the first land creatures. They’re too big to get into the room.”

“Why so big?”

“We figure they can sort of tamp down the land for the ones that come later.”

“Good thought.”

“Now, this is what we call a brontosaurus.”

“Wow, is that to scale?”

“Yeah, but don’t worry. It’s a vegetarian. But adaptation to land entails a response to all the forms of available food. So here we have something called tyrannosaurus rex.”

“Would you look at those choppers?”

“Yeah. It’s a meat eater.”

“Are you sure you didn’t overdo it? I wouldn’t want to meet up with that guy or gal on a hike in the woods.”

“Well, the first two I showed you are extremes. There are all kinds of the same sort of creatures in between. We call the collection dinosaurs.”

“Dinosaurs?”

“Yeah. It stands for ‘dine on anything.' The important item to note is the trend.”

“What’s that?”

“We intend to start with really big creatures that are just smart enough to enjoy life’s basic pleasures – like being aware of their environment, getting around in it, eating, and reproducing.”

“Then?”

“Over time we plan to have creatures that will be smaller but, in some cases, smarter. Eventually, we expect to have one kind of creature that can even begin to appreciate what we’ve invented.”

“Really? Now, that’s interesting. Is there a specific way you measure the difference in intelligence between the dinos and the appreciators?”

“We have a benchmark.”

“May I ask what it is?”

“Yeah. Enough intelligence to have fire trucks.”

“Why fire trucks?”

“Well, remember that the earth is still hot in the middle?”

“OK.”

“And it is, in its own way, really alive – all these atoms and molecules, vibrating and moving around, and it’s warm, not stone cold all the way through. So, like any living thing, it keeps changing. For instance, the land that’s under the water sometimes gets to spend time being the tops of mountains, and the tops of mountains get to spend time being the bottom of the water.”

“How does that happen?”

“The land is floating around on the molten center.”

“Molten?”

“It’s just a fancy word Morton invented for 'melted.' As I noted in a previous meeting, the center of the agglomeration is hot enough to melt steel. In fact, it’s made of melted steel.”

“Heavy thought. What do you call the land that’s floating around on top of it?”

“Plates.’”

“Plates?”

“Yeah. But no relation to dinner plates. Much, much bigger. Anyway, as they move around, they rub against each other, slide under each other, etc., and, in the process, they form dips where the water goes and crinkles that become mountains.”

“Neat process. I can see the whole thing right now. What about the creatures? How do they take the ride?”

“It happens so slowly they don’t even know about it, that is, until we get the smarter creatures, who may figure it out. But even they don’t experience much of a disturbance, especially when you consider the entire gizmo is spinning around itself, circling the source of the heat and light, and moving out from where it started.”

“When we staged the birth of the universe?”

“Right.”

“I love that phrase. It’s so touching.”

“Me, too. I think it has to do with the word 'birth.' Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to the creatures.”

“Don’t let me stop you.”

“Thanks. Now, as part of our principle of infinite appropriate or, at least, feasible variety, once in a while things get too hot.”

“How?”

“Oh, various ways. The melted steel under a mountain might build up some pressure and blow its top.”

“Don't tell me. And out comes the melted steel?”

“With lots of flying rocks and ashes. Anyway, over time, the entire mess can cool down and become new land.”

“Very good. Fresh real estate.”

“Always. There’s only one complication, which brings us to the fire trucks.”

“What’s that?”

“Some of the plants will catch on fire.”

“Can’t you just have some water show up and put it out?”

“Yes, we can. You remember rain?”

“Yeah.”

“If it happens to fall back down where there’s a fire, it can put it out. Otherwise, we’d have to have something unnatural happen. I think we decided that once we launch the thing, we let ‘er rip.”

“Right. We’re quality builders. I insist that the universe we invent can function on its own. When it rolls out of here, it’s history.”

“Absolutely. No mechanic in the trunk, at least, that’s the goal.”

“Of course. Can we get back to the fire?”

“Yep.”

“What happens?”

“Usually, it just burns until there aren’t anymore plants near enough to catch on fire.”

“Sounds like a big fire. We don’t want too, too many. I want the creatures to have nice lives, at least, overall.”

“I know you do, and we keep that goal constantly before us.”

“Any other thing that can cause them?”

“Yes, there is. The heat and light we put up in the sky can dry the plants out, especially when the rain doesn’t fall for a long time, so they can catch on fire even without a mountain losing its top. Finally, a really big event we settled on has a place in the mix.”

“What’s that?”

“Remember when we decided that the dust we’re using to make the agglomerations wouldn’t all go into picture-perfect planets?”

“Right. A lot of the unused stuff would still be floating around. It felt more natural to have some of this and some of that.”

“Exactly. Anyway, the space we’re working with, especially in terms of a source of heat and light and the planets that spin around it, is limited. So inevitably one of these pieces of leftover stuff and a planet would attempt to occupy the same space at the same time.”

“Uh, oh. You mean they’d bang into each other.”

“Seems like an inevitable intersection to me.”

“That’s correct. All our mathematical models show it has a place in the mix. Of course, once in a while, the piece of leftover building material would be pretty big, so there would be quite an impact. It could cause a fire, too.”

“I’ll bet. Might even knock some of the molten stuff out of the center of the planet, right?”

“Yeah. Suddenly, volcanoes and plant fires all over the place.”

“And still no fire trucks?”

“Unfortunately, not at this stage. But actually that’s part of the plan.”

“How so?”

“Well, by the time one of these giant pieces of leftover material slams into a planet, the big initial creatures would have been around for quite a few eons, and we’d like to make room for the smaller and, in some cases, smarter creatures.”

“We’re going to knock off all these big beauties?”

“How can we do that?”

“Well, think about it. The agglomeration is only so big, right? Nothing leaves, pretty soon there’s no room for anything new.”

“You’ve got a point there. So?”

“We went with the idea that each kind of creature would have a certain share of the overall lifespan of the agglomeration.”

“You mean all the creatures don’t last as long as the planet can play host?”

“Right. Everybody gets a share.”

“With plenty of time to do what each creature is most likely to do?”

“Exactly.”

“Sounds right. Anybody know how else to make room for new creatures?”

“What if we give the dinosaurs a means of transportation to another agglomeration?”

“First of all, we’d be interfering. And second of all, they won’t be smart enough to pilot them. I mean, you really have to get into this thing unfolding in a natural way or all kinds of complications start to arise.”

“OK, OK. Then it’s settled. After the dinos have been around for a long time –"

“– I absolutely insist on being generous. How about 100 million years or so?”

“We took your always benevolent inclinations into account. How about 150 million years?”

“Done. Go on. There’s a big fire.”

“And, as I said, there are no fire trucks. So the fires keep burning. The sky fills with smoke. Not enough light and heat can get through it. The planet gets cold and the dinosaurs – “

“– don’t say that word. You know my position on that.”

“Right. The dinosaurs do not – whatever – they complete, or end, their lifespan on the particular agglomeration.”

“And all because they didn’t have fire trucks.”

“Yeah. Well, if we’re going to let a planet start from scratch and go through its lifecycle on its own, we can’t very well start with a big red fire truck sitting there, and the dinosaurs driving them around.”

“Doesn’t seem at all like a natural development to me.”

“Please, continue. But remember. Never say ‘die.’”

“Believe me, I learned my lesson. Now, what’s the eventuality? You’ll be delighted to know that over time, and I mean a good deal of time, the smoke clears away and the dust settles back down. So the heat and light can get through again.”

“And the whole thing starts over again?”

“Almost. Some creatures will make the transition.”

“Good. But how do you plan to work that?”

“We figure that some of the water creatures will stay cool enough to make it. Of course, some of the ones that remain amphibians can skedaddle back into the water. And some of the smaller land creatures will find hideouts, especially the ones that don’t need too much heat or fresh air. We restart with those.”

“And?”

“Well, now that we’ve done big dumb, we think it’s time for small smart.”

“Seems like an appropriate variation. Where do we get the new critters?”

“Well, after the big fire and the clearing sky, the conditions are a bit different. Naturally, some of the creatures start changing into whatever’s just right.”

“In what sense?”

“Well, for instance, if we’re going to have smarter creatures, they have to be able to do more than walk around and grab food. So the smarts we programmed into them will go to work and develop, not only feet, but hands.”

“Really? They’re going to have those, too?”

“Got another way for them to have something that helps them do more with their increasing intelligence?”

“I think you’re right. Please, proceed.”

“So here’s the deal. They sit around all day and try to do more and more with these hands. Some of them finally even develop what we call a thumb.”

“A thumb?”

“Yeah. We took it from the thought, When a creature has one of these, it won’t be dumb.”

“Thumb, not dumb?”

“Right.”

“I like that."

"Me, too."

"Good. Let me show you what I mean. I have a mockup. See, four things we call fingers and this fifth thing we call a thumb."

"Interesting development. Keep going.”

“Well, watch this. See how the thumb works with the four other fingers. Neat, huh?”

“Whoever would’ve thought just one more digit could make such a big difference?”

“Yeah. And imagine looking at your hands all day and thinking, I know I can do a lot of things with these, but I just don’t seem to have enough brains. And what happens? You got it! The thought sends a signal to the brain: Can you please get smarter? And, over time, guess what? The brain catches on and meets the request.”

“Wow. How?”

“It develops into a more complex central processor.”

“Of course. Excellent.”

“Thanks. Now, let me show you some examples of smarter creatures. They’re waiting outside. OK, you can come in now. Please, if you’ll just stand right here. I’ll take the one that’s in the cage. See this one? One of the first to develop with feet and hands. We call it a monkey.”

“A monkey?”

“Yeah. The ‘mon’ part stands for “moronic by comparison” with some of the later creatures but the ‘key’ stands for the fact that it's the key to getting significantly brighter creatures.”

“'Mon-key? Nifty.”

“Glad you approve. Anyway, since the monkeys are the first ones with feet and only pretty functional hands, they aren’t that smart, so they don’t listen well. That’s the reason for the cage. But as you can see, all the other ones understand enough to listen. Excuse me. Could you please arrange yourselves in order of appearance? Thank you. See how they gradually change from looking more like the monkey until we get to this guy and gal, who look the least like the little guy in the cage?”

“Suddenly, so little hair. Why so?”

“Oh, it seems like a less beastly motif. But notice that they have plenty on top and a sparse distribution elsewhere. We were trying to differentiate the new series, and the first thing we thought of is, Hey, why not let them stand on their own two feet, to free their hands up completely. But they still looked pretty much the same. Then we noticed the obvious. They were all covered with about the same amount of hair. From then on it was a no-brainer. We decided to take the wrapping off and saw right away that more brains, less hair seemed like a natural marker.”

“I can see that. Won’t they get cold?”

“At times, but, hey, they’re smart, right?”

“So they figure out how to cover themselves with things.”

“Yes, they do.”

“Talk a little about those two at the head of the line.”

“You used the right word.”

“What, ‘head’?”

“Yeah. They’ve got some pretty good ones on their shoulders. You can say hello if you want to.”

“Hi, there.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Hold it. You mean they can even talk like us?”

“Hey, why not? We figured, How smart can they be if they can’t talk?”

“Gotcha.”

“Wonderful. I just love that idea. Land creatures that can talk just like us!”

“Fantastic! You guys in tech never cease to amaze me.”

“We do our best. You can go now. And please take the monkey with you. Thanks. OK, that’s the top line on the land creatures, at least, as far as we need to go into it at this session. Of course, there'll be whole lot of smaller creatures, like bugs and worms. But they're a given. ”

"I think you covered those sufficiently in the previous session. Anything else?"

“I'd just like to ask if you're planning for even smarter creatures than this last group?"

“Right now they're just a hypothesis. I think we want to see how the last entry in the series does."

"The couple at the head of the line?"

"Yeah. We think they'll be smart enough to manage. If they turn out to be unequal to the challenge of life with thumbs and bigger brains, they're programmed to request an improvement.”

“Good. I need you to get the whole thing right from the get-go.”

“We are doing our very best. Anybody need anymore detail on the land creatures?”

“Exactly how smart are the latest thumb creatures?”

“Well, you know, as the saying goes, ‘Vanitas, even among the Gods.’”

“'Toss' what?”

“Translation, ‘vanity.’”

“Oh. What, we have a weakness?”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but after all the work we’re putting into inventing the universe, we thought there should at least be one creature who’s smart enough to appreciate our handiwork and even understand a certain amount of it.”

“Well, the potential is there, so realizing it seems more right than just pretending it’s not a possibility.”

“Actually, I don’t see any downside.”

“Well, let’s talk about that. All the creatures, wherever they are, will be able to appreciate what we did to a certain extent, won’t they? I mean, they’ll be alive. They’ll see, hear, feel, smell, and taste things. They’ll reproduce. Sleep, wake. The usual drill.”

“Yeah, but most of them aren’t going to be able to think about their own lives by standing outside of themselves and saying, ‘Hey, look at me. I’m a monkey in the woods. What should I do with my life?’”

“No?”

“No. They’ll just be into enjoying life in all the basic ways, mostly physical with enough mental ability to get done whatever they’re capable of.”

“I think you’re saying that the smartest ones will have the capacity to think about their own lives?”

“Yes, we are.”

“Will they even be able to decide whether or not they like our handiwork?”

“I think we should give that a go.”

“I’d say they’re all bound to think, Wow, look at the land, the water, the sky, the heat and light, the plants, the other creatures, and I get to be part of it, so aren’t I lucky? So they’re bound to like us.”

“Well, I think we should have the courage to let them make up their own minds. You just know there will be some dissenters.”

“I suppose, and, going back to our variety principle, I think you're right. Let them decide for themselves, regardless of where they come out.”

“I concur. As soon as we slap a restraint on them, it’s like we don’t trust our own craftsmanship and, out of respect for the ladies in the lab and right here in this room, our craftswomanship.”

“Well said.”

“Thanks. As I mentioned earlier, we’d even like them to be able to discover how things work. In fact, if you don’t mind, we’d like to give them enough intelligence to become scientists.”

“Now that is a bit of vanity, making them scientists, too.”

“You’ll have to excuse me, but we really like the idea.”

“I’ll go for it as long as we can have some esthetically minded creatures among them. You know I’m a beauty maven.”

“I want all kinds of variations. So there we have it – scientists, artists, and, of course, plenty of folks just to enjoy what those two groups manage to do."

"Don't forget business types. Somebody's got to support all this science and art."

"Of course. But go on. I’d like to know just how much these creatures will be able to understand?”

“We thought we’d be daring and let them figure out anything about the universe."

"Anything? I don't know about that."

"I mean, such as what it’s made of and how it works.”

“How about how it got there?”

“From what we decided to call the birth of the universe on.”

“You mean, we limit it to the post partum stuff?”

“Right. What about why it’s there in the first place?”

“There will be limits, and we're going to give them a pet that helps them understand their situation."

"What kind of pet?"

"We call it a dog."

"A dog?"

"Yeah."

"How does it help?"

"When these creatures talk to it, it will have this ability to cock its head to the side, like this, and look at them as if it's trying to understand. But they'll realize it never really does. It just looks that way."

"And that reminds them of their own situation in terms of the questions we decide are beyond them?"

"Right. They'll know they're not alone with certain limits. But now we've gotten into material I'd like to reserve for our question and answer period.”

“I agree. I think we’ve done enough for today. Between the ones in the water, the sky, and on the land, my mind is literally overrun with creatures. Anything else you want to say before we close the meeting?”

“Only that we’ve really had a great fun thinking them all up.”

“The work shows it. You really got into it. Before we adjourn, may I ask what’s on tap for next session, which, I assume should be our last, at least, on this project?”

“It should be. We just have to settle on some details, like gravity and magnetism, after which we’ll have our Q & A session? Then I think it’ll be a wrap.”

“Sounds like a plan. Extraordinary effort. I think we’re on our way to a promising universe. See you all tomorrow for our final and, I trust, infinitely satisfying meeting.”

So now we had invented the creatures. Thinking back over the developments, I never would’ve thought so much would depend on fire trucks. The next session looked like the last one we’d need before we moved into major production and distribution. After the Q & A period, I planned to bring up my idea that every planet where life can develop should come with an instruction manual. I haven’t got a clue how the idea will go over. But I’m hoping for a green light.

By Tom Attea

The Invention of Water And Air reatures

Part Six of The Invention of Everything;
An Eyewitness Account

Now, the stage was set. We had land, water, the sky, heat and light, and our first invention, a way for whatever creatures we would invent to reproduce and have a great time doing so. Now, we were ready to develop the actual creatures who would inhabit the invention. Today we were scheduled to start with the ones that would go in the water and air.

“I want to congratulate everybody for your work so far. It’s because of your dedication and contributions that we can now invent the creatures who will inhabit the universe. I understand you brought some prototypes.”

“Yes, I did. I thought some samples would be helpful.”

“Excellent. Is there any special way you’d like to proceed?”

“Actually, there is.”

“How so?”

“From the bottom up.”

“Where’s the bottom?”

“Didn’t we say the water would go where it’s low?”

“Yes, we did.”

“So what could be lower than the bottom of the water?”

“Not much, at least, as far as creatures are concerned.”

“Good. Then let’s follow your lead and start there. What do you have?”

“To get things started, hot water.”

“Way down there? I didn’t know the heat we’re putting way up in the sky would get down that far?”

“It doesn’t. This heat comes from way down under.”

“Can you elaborate?”

“Sure. When the original agglomerations we decided to call planets take shape, they’re really hot items. In fact, during the first few billion years or so, you wouldn’t want to sit down on one.”

“That hot, huh?”

“Enough to melt steel.”

“So what happens?”

“What else? Over the millennia, they cool down, I mean, at least on the surface, or else where are the creatures going to be comfortable?”

“Got ya.”

“I see where you’re going. There’s still heat toward the middle that finds its way out.”

“Right. And, of course, that leads to – “

“– hot water!”

“Which facilitates the socializing of the atoms and molecules.”

“Ah, ha! So we have a hot time in the old water tonight.”

“If you need to look at it that way. Anyway, the water’s boiling hot, the atoms and the molecules are rubbing up against each other and combining this way and that. And out of this really happening whirlpool bath of attraction and repulsion we get molecular couples, families, extended families, etc.”

“And then?”

“Eventually, they combine into creatures that are just right for the environment.”

“Got a name for that?”

“Yeah. We call it ‘Survival Of The Ones That Fit.’”

“Sounds right. Go on.”

“Mind if I go to the tank?”

“Please. But I’d like to move through this aspect of creatures. I’m looking forward to inventing the ones that go on land. I understand we plan to make some of them intelligent enough to understand a bit about what we plan to accomplish. ”

“Now, mustn’t jump ahead. The ones that go in the water and in the sky are every bit as important.”

“Fine. Tech will be tech. Go ahead.”

“Here we have something that actually lives under the bottom. “

“Under it?”

“What? You want to waste all that room?”

“No way. I want creatures wherever they can fit.”

“That’s the principle we’re working with down in the lab: maximum appropriate variety.”

“My sentiments exactly. What do you call that creature?”

“A sandworm. Of course, there are different kinds, but let’s just group them under the heading 'sandworms.'”

“Gotcha.”

“We’ve also got all kinds of sand bugs.”

“I might have guessed. I think we can allow you to work out the details on those. Just stay pretty much with six legs for all those whatchamacallits?"

"Insects. Will do. Mind if some can walk and fly?"

"Sounds like a good mix. What’s next?”

“Well, right here we have, as you’ll notice, a prototype that’s standing on the bottom without moving.”

“What do you call that?”

“Actually, we have two types. This green one that’s just standing around is a typical example of what we decided to call a plant, in this case, seaweed. But notice this other critter that’s just standing on the rock, waving it’s colorful arms. It may look like a plant, but actually it’s what we intend to call an animal.”

“No kidding? I thought only plants were just going to stand around?”

“That was the original concept, but we thought about it and decided, Hey, why not have some rudimentary creatures that just sort of stand around, too?”

“Seems that there should be a place for such creatures. How does that one function?”

“See the tiny wavy things?”

“Yeah.”

“They’re called cilia. We talked about those when we discussed reproduction. Remember?"

"Who could forget? I think we all enjoyed that session."

"Enabled the entire thing we're inventing. But go ahead."

"You might like to know that the name 'cilia" is derived from the irrepressible thought that, vital as they are, they can at times look a bit silly, waving away with no apparent reason. In this case, waving them is actually how the creature attracts food.”

“Food?”

“As you remember, all the creatures need energy. And food is the way they’re going to get it.”

“Got a name for the process by which it locates and intakes food?”

“Yeah. We call it ‘Natural Food Selection.’”

“All right! Like it!”

“Thanks. For short, we call it ‘eating.’”

“Understood. Please, continue.”

“What’s that other thing stuck to the bottom?”

“This item with the round hands over itself?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s the middle ground. It can attach itself to something but it can also crawl around.”

“What do you call it?”

“These we call clams and these mussels.”

“What’s the diff’?”

“Well, the word ‘clam’ refers to a defensive tactic. Watch when I move my finger toward it. See how it clams up?”

“Neato. What about the other term?”

“That covers the means of locomotion. Notice this one that's on the move. See. It pokes out of the shell and kind of muscles its way around.”

“Interesting concept. What’s that creature crawling around on the bottom?”

“We call that a lobster.”

“Why is that?”

“You see these sharp, two-fingered hands? They use them to lob food around. Ergo, lobsters.”

“How can something that moves that slow possibly get food?”

“The plan is it eats things that fall to the bottom.”

“Dead things?”

“I asked you not to use that word. Remember, anything that lives never dies. It just completes its life.”

“How about just “ends it’?”

“Whatever, as long as you don’t say ‘die.’ What an injustice to the whole process. As the creatures live, they save their lives. So they don’t just die. Got it?”

“Yes, boss. Sorry about that.”

“Please, go on.”

“OK. So this guy or gal just crawls around on the bottom and eats things that fall there.”

“You seem to have this part of the water pretty much under control. Can we move on from the bottom?”

“I have a few more things to cover.”

“Sounds like more detail work. Take care of it down in the lab.”

“No problem. Next, we have the things that get around by the process I noted at an earlier meeting, called ‘swimming.’ Anybody need a review?”

“I think we all remember. You can continue.”

“OK. See all these colorful little guys and gals. They’re what we call fish.”

“Fish?”

“Yeah. It’s a combo we worked out from the wish that we could come up with creatures that can move through the water really fast, even though it's quite thick, say, in comparison with air. So 'fast' plus ‘wish’ led to ‘fish.’"

"Works for me.”

“Me, too. And the fish swim?”

“Right.”

“Why only little ones?”

“We’re limited by how big a tank I could get in here.”

“Of course.”

“We're also working on a whale of a demo tank ."

"Good. Look forward to seeing your work as it evolves."

"Fortunately, the bigger ones function pretty much the same way as the little ones. For instance, see how they're wiggling their tails back and forth?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s the principle behind all of them, no matter how big they get.”

“I remember. They push the water this way and that with their tails and the water pushes back, so they go forward?”

“Right on, baby! Except when you get to most of the biggest creatures in the water.”

“What happens then?”

“They move their tails up and down. We thought it was a necessary variation.”

“I’ll go along with that. You were talking about developing a way for the creatures in the water to breathe. How’d you manage that?”

“Gil had an insight, so we call it gills. Let me take this little fella out and demonstrate for a moment. Excuse me, he’s kind of feisty. Got ya! OK, now look here. See these little red things just behind its head.”

“Yeah. Those the gills?”

“Right.”

“How do they work?”

“The fish uses its mouth and these flaps to move water over them, and the little red wonders nip out the O2 and give back CO2.”

“Which the plants in the water can’t wait to breathe in?”

“Exactamundo! Now, I can go into detail as long as you want me to, but that’s basically what happens in the water. Just let me remind you about the stuff that floats on it. Remember plankton?”

“Who could forget? We know. Elemental teamwork with the creatures that breathe in O2 and breathe out CO2. It breathes in CO2 and sends out O2.”

“Right. A lot, too, because there's going to be a lot of it. ”

“So let me recap. The whole shebang starts in hot water. Then we get creatures that inhabit every possible nook and cranny that can support them – under the bottom, on the bottom, above the bottom, and right on top. Am I right?”

“That about covers it. Of course, as the atoms and molecules respond, they can create quite an array of creatures. Our thoughts are still taking shape but overall we plan to provide for a perfectly flexible response, which, of course, would lead to perfectly appropriate variety. At least, that’s the plan. All the life that fits. ”

“Excellent. So have we covered the water creatures sufficiently?”

“Almost. We still have to talk about the creatures that swim on top of it and fly over it. That, of course, brings us to the air creatures. ”

“What do you call those?”

“Collectively, birds. These we named water birds.”

“They can actually float on the water and fly up into the sky? How so?”

“Let me move to the birdcage. Excuse me. I put this cover on them to keep them quiet. See. The plan is that they develop these big flat hands that they wave back and forth. In the process, they beat against the air and the air beats back.”

“Sort of like the way swimming works?”

“Yeah, only a lighter take on it.”

“But how do they stay up there? Looks like a pretty plump critter just to be flitting around in the sky.”

“That was a real brain teaser. But we finally realized two things. First, we could give the air creatures hollow bones, which would be much lighter.”

“Good thought.”

“Yeah, but it still wasn’t quite enough. The thick hair that was intended to keep them warm weighed them down.”

“What hair? I don't see any of the usual type. ”

“I see you noticed. We developed this special kind of hair that would be lighter. “

“Interesting. But how so lighter? The strands look much thicker.”

“Yeah, but the main part is hollow.”

“Like the bones?”

“Right. We call them feathers.”

“Feathers, as in?”

“Flying in all kinds of weather.”

“Makes sense. I assume at some point they get tired of flying around?"

"Yes, they do."

"What do they do at that point."

"Land."

"I know we have land. I mean, what do they do? Come down onto the land?"

"Or the water. Either one. Oh, I should mention where they eat."

"I assume when they're not flying around?"

"Not necessarily. Remember I said we had bugs that go under the bottom of the water. Well, we also have bugs that go just about everywhere."

"Don't tell me, even in the sky?"

"Yeah. Wherever the little buggers can find a livable niche."

"And the birds can catch them even when they're both flying around?"

"Yeah. The aeronautical math was a bit challenging, but we were able to work out how the bird and the bug could intersect, even when the bug was doing everything possible to avoid the conjunction. Of course, life won't always be that challenging. The birds and the bugs will also be able to alight here and there and chow down."

"Sounds advisable. Anything else?”

Well, at some point we have to get creatures onto the land, and we thought, Wow, why not tap into the creatures that are already in the water?”

“Seems like the right tactic. But I think that moves us into the next meeting – the land creatures. Agreed?”

“Yep.”

“Inspired work. Really. Tell the people in tech I commend them."

"Thanks. I'll be sure to forward you compliment."

"Seems to me we now have a good handle on creatures that go in the water and the sky. Let’s adjourn for today. Tomorrow, we do the land creatures.”

So now we had made the big transition from setting the stage to starting to populate it. We had the water and the sky behind us, and the land creatures were just ahead. I kept wondering, What could go on the land that’s different from what we invented to go in the water and the sky? Oh, I suppose the unique attributes of life on land would do a lot to guide our thinking.

By Tom Attea

The Invention of Heat and Light

Part Five of The Invention of Everything; An Eyewitness Account

At our prior meeting, we realized that, once we had invented land, water, and the sky, we had the stage set, except we needed light. We also considered the advisability of including heat. In today’s meeting, we planned to work out the details.

“To get the meeting rolling, can we recap where we are?”

“Yes, boss. We decided we want the creatures to be able to see where they’re going, so we need light.”

“Go on.”

“We also decided we want them to be comfortable; ergo, we need heat.”

“Makes sense to me.”

“The suggestion was also made that we go for overheads, but there was concern that the sky could be too crowded. Tech assured us they had a way to combine light and heat into one thing.”

“OK, so let’s see if we can throw some light on the entire subject. You confident you can pull off the heat-and-light combo?”

“I think we’ve got a good handle on it. I believe I mentioned Helen’s idea of ‘fishin.’”

“I thought you were going to respell that to avoid confusion?”

“That was my intention.”

“How did you make out?”

“She was a little put off at first.”

“Did you take our suggestion that she could keep the sound of the word if she just spelled it differently?”

“Of course. But she told me that couldn’t possibly work.”

“Sounds like Helen. Why not?”

“Actually, for what is, I decided, a very understandable reason.”

“Please, explain.”

“She called it ‘fishin’ to differentiate it from another process we considered for heat and light, called ‘fission. As you know, the latter is a much clunkier process that entails breaking up this big item we call uranium, instead of combining Helen’s little H’s.”

“I’m sorry. I’m terminally confused.”

“Good. That’s actually part of the explanation.”

“What is?”

“Confusion.”

“Please, explain.”

“Sure. The two words that were under consideration, ‘fishin’ and ‘fission,’ already sound pretty much the same and are spelled differently. So that kind of stole our thunder.”

“Too bad.”

“Don’t sweat it. I told Helen I myself was actually a bit confused by her nomenclature.”

“And?”

“She made a comment I’d rather not repeat. But I decided the better part of valor was to gloss over the affront and attempt to cheer her up. So I said jokingly, ‘What if we take my confusion and make it part of a new name for your alternate process?’”

“I commend your patience. How did she react?”

“She was fine with that. It isn’t very often that your boss gives you the opportunity to have fun at his expense, right?”

“So what did you come up with?”

“’Fusion.’”

“I suppose that's intended to be a felicitous combination of her ‘fishin’ plus your ‘confusion’?”

“Yes, it is.”

“I think it's a neat name, especially considering you derived it from ‘confusion.’”

“Thanks.”

“It works for me, too. So let’s go with it. Can you provide some detail on the process?”

“Sure. As Helen sees it, two of her H’s combine.”

“Right.”

“Then two more combine.”

“Wait a minute. Why two and two?”

“To prepare for the big event.”

“What’s that?”

“Now, the two that combined first smack into the two that combined second.”

“And so?”

“What do you think?”

“Now we have four, right?”

“Not quite. That was a trick question.”

“What do you mean?”

“The really important thing is that we don’t quite get a total of four.”

“OK, let’s go with that. Now, two and two don’t make four? How can that possibly be right?”

“Not in this case, which only confirms that making ‘confusion’ part of the name was a brainstorm.”

“We’ll see about that. What do they make?”

“3.97.”

“Hold on. Two plus two now equals 3.97?”

“Well, in the part of the universe called heat and light.”

“Mind explaining that?”

“Not at all. When the two and two combine, the missing amount is transformed into the big event.”

“Which is?”

“Energy!”

“Energy? I thought we were talking about heat and light?”

“In this case, the energy comes out as heat and light.”

“Wow, terrific stuff. But, if what you’re saying is true, that means only .03 of the four H’s becomes energy. How good is that?”

“Actually, it’s astonishing.”

“Why is that?”

“It means the process can go on for as long as we need it to.”

“I’m sorry. Can I have some clarification here?”

“Gladly. First, you have to imagine the process happening all over this big round ball in the sky billions of time a millisecond. Then we get the two things we need.”

“Here we go again. And what do they add up to?”

“We’re not adding anymore. Just making a list. Mind if I go on?”

“Please, I can’t wait.”

“OK, so what do we get? Numero uno: lots and lots of heat and light. And, numero dos, a process that can go on and on.”

“I’m all for that. It goes perfectly with the entire invention.”

“And the reason is?”

“It produces all this energy with relatively little matter.”

“That seems like a very important matter. Like, how long?”

“Oh, depends on the size of the big round agglomeration. On average, ten billion or so years.”

“Wow, that’s plenty long. Are we going to make any creatures that last ten billion years?”

“Let’s just put it this way. They shouldn’t worry about heat and light. They’ll have plenty.”

“Besides, if they figure out how to last ten billion years, they should be able to figure out how to hop to one of the billions of planets we’re planning that will be near a star with lots of energy to spare, right?”

“One would hope. But let’s stay real. With ten-billion years worth of heat and light in the bank, I wouldn’t call running out their immediate concern.”

“A point well taken. Now, I notice you refer to this source of heat and light as a big round ball in the sky. I’m not sure you want such a thing to get too close to the planets, especially the ones with creatures on them. They could be toast. Am I correct?”

“Crispy critters. So we figure it should be some distance from the planets, in particular, the ones that are going to sprout life.”

“What? They can’t all sprout life?”

“How? If we put them too close together, they could bang into one another. So we figure the ones that are too close will be too hot, the ones that are too far away will be too cold, but the lucky one or ones that are just the right distance from the heat and light will be the right temp for the molecules and atoms to go to work and come up with actual creatures.”

“How about as the big round ball burns up? Won’t it cool down?”

“Good point. I think I know where you’re headed. Yeah, as things cool down, the planets closer in could sprout life, while the ones farther out could freeze up. Plenty of matter on every planet that’s rock-solid to start things cooking.”

“I love where you’re going with this. I’m a big advocate of your end benefit: Life in as many places as possible. I don’t want to waste anymore planets than we have to.”

“Excuse me. What do you mean, 'waste'? I’m not in the business of wasting entire planets.”

“What do you mean? How about the ones that are too hot or too cold for anything much to happen?”

“No, no, you’re not getting the whole picture. They help set up the balancing act that keeps the planets that can sprout life in the right position for all the good things to happen.”

“Oh, great. But don’t go overboard. I also like a lot of junk to be just there. It helps balance the stuff that’s really necessary.”

“Yeah, somehow allowing for just about everything – no junk, along with plenty of junk – feels more natural.”

“Agreed. So now we have a handle on heat and light. But I’ve noticed that you keep referring to this amazing item as a big round ball. Can’t we do a little better on the name?”

“Yes, sir. I’ll make a note.”

“Think about this. How many of them are there going to be in a system where you have planets swirling around them?”

“Pretty much only one to a group. Anything else seems unnecessary and could prove quite distracting.”

“I’m always for simplicity, as long as it works. So maybe you should work with that concept to come up with a name.”

“One?”

“Yeah.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“You’ll also want to work out a name for all of them collectively. I mean, you’ll have all these big bright things out there. The creatures look up. They see them. They need a name.”

“Oh, we already have the group name.”

“You do? Let’s hear it.”

“We’re worked with the word ‘far,’ because they’ll have to be far away.”

“Right.”

“Then we took the concept that they’ll be producing heat and light almost nonstop.”

“Yeah.”

“So we took the ‘s’ and the ‘t’ from ‘nonstop’ and came up with the name ‘star.'”

“’Far,’ ‘star’?”

“Right.”

“Meets with my approval. Why not just do the same thing with the name for one of them.”

“In what way?”

“I dunno. Maybe just take the ‘s’ and add it to ‘one.’”

“So we get ‘sone.'”

“Yeah.”

“Nice sound. Let me play with the spelling a little bit, and I’ll get back to you.”

“Sure.”

“Before we wrap, I want to return to an issue that came up during the last meeting.”

“What’s that?”

“The background color for the sky. You said it depended on how we work out heat and light.”

“Yep.”

“And?”

“We’re thinking sky blue.”

“Nice. Like it. But how do you get there?”

“The light comes down from what we’re calling the sone. It hits the air. Some of the light gets through and some doesn’t. What gets through looks blue.”

“Ah, ha! Got a name for that?”

“Diffraction.”

“Where did that come from?”

“We developed it out of the idea of a fraction of the light.”

“As in ‘da fraction?’”

“A bit hip-hoppy for me. But you can think of it that way if want to. Our real inspiration was the word 'dazzling.'"

"Oh. Mind if I stay with 'da fraction'? ”

"Entirely up to you."

“Settled. May I review the color scheme?”

“Go ahead.”

“Down we have brown; that’s the land. Up we have blue; that’s the sky.”

“Don’t forget the white and grey clouds.”

“Depending on how much water they’re lugging around?”

“Right.”

“OK, and in the water, we have clear.”

“Why clear?”

“So what’s swimming around in it can see where it’s going.”

“Good thought. Still sounds kind of plain.”

“Don’t forget. Now it can reflect the blue sky, or whatever other color happens to be up there.”

“OK, OK, that’s enough already with the color scheme. My planet is spinning from it all! I mean, my head.”

“All right, let me recap. We have this bright round thing up there that’s a star, which, in the singular, we’re referring to by the working name of the ‘sone.’ It produces heat and light for approximately ten billion years. So now, in terms of the entire setting, we have land, water, air, heat and light.”

“You got it.”

“Sounds like the stage is set to me.”

“Don’t tell me we can finally get around to what should be walking around on it?”

“Don’t forget swimming.”

“Right. Walking and swimming.”

“We also have other concepts.”

“Here we go again. Like what?”

“Flying.”

“Don’t tell me.”

“Come on, remember the sky? We’ll want something to make use of all that space, won’t we?”

“I can’t see the whole thing being there without something in it, can you?”

“Not really. But aren’t we’re starting to get into the next meeting? I suggest we adjourn for today. Excellent work and see you tomorrow.”

So one hot meeting came to an end. I don’t know. Sometimes you make just one addition to a plan and you feel entirely different about the whole thing. Once we had heat and light, I was really starting to warm up to the idea of the universe.

By Tom Attea

The Invention Of The Sky

Part Four Of The Invention Of Everything;
An Eyewitness Account

Once we invented water, we realized that for rain to work right we had to have a place for it to go up into and fall back down from. We settled on a working name called the sky and set aside today’s meeting to invent it. As usual, the CEO kicked off the discussion.

“We seem to be moving in the right direction. So far we’ve got –“

He pointed to my notepad.

“– sex, land, and water,” I recapped.

“Good. So let’s take up the sky. Any thoughts?”

“It can’t be too heavy.”

“Why not?”

“It’s going to be on top of everything else, isn’t it?”

“Good point.”

“It shouldn’t be too thick, either.”

“Why?”

“Getting around could be tough.”

“Agreed. But can we move on to what it should be?”

“Sure. Let's think about its functions.”

“As I noted in yesterday’s meeting, we need a place for water to go up into and come back down from.”

“So all we need is a big empty space?”

“Don’t jump to conclusions. You know I can’t stand empty spaces. As soon as I see one, I have this irresistible urge to fill it up with something. And I'm not about to settle for part-time content like rain."

“Good thinking, boss.”

“Well, that’s kind of the inspiration for our whole agenda, isn’t it? We decided that something is better than nothing.”

“Absolutely. How can nothing possibly compare with something?”

“Can we just move on with the matter at hand? Here’s this enormous space, called the sky. What goes in it, I mean, besides rain traffic?”

“Well, let’s think about the creatures we plan to invent. What could they use the sky for?”

“Excellent question. Here they are, alive. What do they need besides fresh water?”

“We have a concept called fresh air.”

“Air? Can you elaborate?”

“Sure. If they’re alive, they need all kinds of processes to keep them that way.”

“What are you thinking?”

“We’re developing a laundry list. I’ll share it with you in time. Right now, I’m only prepared to discuss how being alive might relate to the sky.”

“Go ahead.”

“Well, what happens when any kind of process goes on?”

“You tell me.”

“You need energy to power it.”

“I wish there was a way around that but I can’t think of any.”

“Don’t tell me we need to hook everything up with wires?”

“No, no, we’re way past that. We only need wires to hook them up inside.”

“What are you calling that wiring?”

“The nervous system. We’ll also need tubes to transport fluids. But more about those things later. Right now, let’s stick with energy.”

“OK, I’ll bite. How does the creature get it?”

“Internal combustion.”

“Go on.”

“It takes in things, which we’re putting under the general heading of food, and burns it up.”

“Without catching on fire?”

“Right. It’s a different kind of combustion. Totally flame-free. ”

“Interesting. How does it work?”

“Oh, it takes a lot of chemical processes, which we’re fleshing out in the lab. The relevant thing, in terms of the sky, is what do we need in it to faciitate combustion?”

“I know that. Two of the atomic thingamajigs Oscar invented.”

“O2?”

“Right. So think about this. If we put it in the sky, they can get it from there.”

“How? They reach up?”

“No, no. We have this really innovative idea called breathing.”

“Breathing?”

“Yeah, it’s a way to get the fresh air into each and every creature.”

“Good. How do you manage that?”

“We plan to provide them with various means – basically holes the O2 goes into and dedicated devices to get it to where it’s needed.”

“OK. So the O2 goes in. What happens next?”

“What else? It fuels the combustion.”

“Done. No point overworking the issue. Anything else to consider?”

“Well, there’s an esthetic matter. Should breathing take a major effort or be something that’s really easy?”

“As I see it, we can’t very well tire them out while they’re trying to get something they need to keep from getting tired.”

“Right. Then they might give up on breathing.”

“Yikes. What would happen if they did that?”

“No fuel, no processes.”

“That’s a major downside. We better make O2 very easy to get.”

“I agree. So the O2 goes in easy as can be, and we have combustion. But, as the saying goes, what goes in must come out, right?”

“With certain exceptions."

“So what comes out?”

“We figure a combo of Oscar’s O2’s and Chuck’s atomic invention.”

“How so?”

“Chuck devised a really efficient way for his gizmo to hook up with the O’s.”

“And so?”

“It comes out as Chuck One, plus Oscar Two.”

“That’s one ‘C’ and two ‘O’s’?”

"Right. In a word, CO2.”

“Like it. An epiphany of efficiency.”

“So let me get this straight. The O2 goes in. We have combustion. Then the CO2 comes out.”

“You got it.”

“So far, so good. I endorse cycles, since they can go on and on, which fits with our overall plan, right?”

“Yep.”

“Hold it. I think we skipped a step.”

“What?”

“Where in the heck does the O2 come from?”

“Good point. We need a source.”

“We’re thinking of a team effort.”

“In what sense?”

“Well, since the creatures need the O2, we need something to make it.”

“Any thoughts?”

“Of course. Do you think I’d come to the meeting unprepared?”

“Sorry. Don’t be so touchy, OK?”

“I’ll try, but I expect you to show a little respect.”

“Can we just move on?”

“All right. Now, we figure the neatest setup would be if they take the CO2 the other creatures are producing and, come on, come on, think about it.”

“They turn it back into O2?”

“Right.”

“Brilliant. We have creatures who need O2 and turn it into CO2, and we have these other creatures walking around who take CO2 and turn it back into O2?”

“Right, except we figure that the ones that take in the CO2 and make the O2 won’t be able to walk around.”

“Why not?”

“There might be disagreements. One half of the team could say, ‘Look, we produce all the O2, which you need like breath itself.’ And the other half could come back with, ‘Hey, we could say the same thing about the CO2.’ No need to set up a potential confrontation.”

“So the things that make the O2 just stand there?”

“Yeah. Or maybe wrap around a handy support item. The key thing is they wouldn’t have movable feet. In fact, just to be on safe side, we don’t even think they should talk.”

“They can’t walk or talk?”

“No. Got a problem with that?”

“How happy can they be?”

“Depends on how we structure their needs. If they can satisfy them, no reason they can’t be happy.”

“Fair enough. Are we talking about what’s on land and in the water?”

“Essentially. But when it comes to water the things that produce the O2 could also float around, as long as they don’t have feet or voices. “

“Got a name for this half of the team?”

“As a matter of fact, two names."

"I see you've really got a handle on this."

"Thanks. They’re such an essential part of the plan we thought we’d tie the nomenclature in with the word ‘plan.’”

“The way we did when we came up with ‘planets’?”

“Right. In fact, we took that word as our jumping-off point.”

“How so?”

“Since they’re not going to be everywhere, but only on planets that can support creatures, we thought, Why not just drop the ‘e’ from ‘planets?’”

“So we get ‘plants'?”

“Exactly.”

“Same thing goes for the ones on land and in the water, right? ”

“Oh, for sure, I mean, for the ones that just standing there. But we thought it would only be right to give the things that float around a slightly different name.”

“What did you settle on?”

“’Plankton.’”

“Why that?”

“We figured there’d be a ton of it, floating here and there.”

“I like it. Everybody for calling the part of the team that makes 02 ‘plants’ and ‘plankton,’ please raise your hands.”

“’Plants’ and ‘plankton’ they are.”

“So let's recap. We have the half of the team that that moves around taking in O2 and sending out CO2, right?”

“Right.”

“And the other half taking in the CO2 sending out the O2?”

“Yep.”

“Wow, what a beautiful dynamic.”