SPOOF OF THE WEEK
The Invention Of Details, With A Final Q & A Period
Part Eight of The Invention of Everything;
An Eyewitness Account
Continuing Readers: Please, page down past the brief material in italics.
New Readers:
If you missed a previous part, you’ll find it appended after Part Eight.
Here’s the brief introduction to these remarkable notes, repeated for your convenience.
An unexpected manuscript showed up in our inbox. We were immediately convinced of its authenticity and decided we had to share it with you. It was accompanied by the following note:
“Hi, there. How’s life working out? Who am I? That’s for me to know and for you to guess. Let me just say that I witnessed the invention of everything. And I kept good meeting notes.
"I wanted every planet to come with an instruction manual, but my suggestion was a nonstarter. I decided the next best thing I could do is release my notes. I hope they help clarify things for you.
"I sent them by Multi-Verse Mail to all the planets projected to have life on them that could read. As far as the earth goes, I addressed it to NewsLugh.com. I figured it would exist about the time the news would come in especially handy. Why a humor magazine? Hey, I think I’m a bit of humorist myself.
"Sorry, but I have to be a little vague about the participants in the meeting, because they’re all very high up the totem pole of the universe and like to keep out of the spotlight. But I assure you that my notes are accurate.
"I thought I’d start with the invention of sex, since that seems to be the foundation of a lot of things. This particular invention was a tough one because we weren’t sure how to make it work.
"For instance, some of the participants wanted direct physical contact. Others thought the male could mail his sperm to the female, and she could deposit it in an egg bank.
"Direct contact between the two, though it seemed like a daring idea at first, won on its overall merits.
"Then the question became, should it feel good or not? I’m happy to say that feeling good won by a unanimous vote. After all, we want you to like us.
"Looking back, I think we made the right decisions, not only about sex, but about everything. And, speaking of everything, you'll find how it was invented in my notes, too, or, at least, the highlights, like land and water, air, heat and light, water and air creatures, land creatures, and details like food, gravity, and magnetism.
"I hope my doodles help you understand why things are the way they are and appreciate our handiwork. Nothing would make me happier.
"In conclusion, I just want you to know we did our best, and I sure hope you like us for what we decided.”
The Invention of Details, With A Final Q & A Period
At last, we came to the final meeting. It was time to invent details like gravity and magnetism. Then we were scheduled for a final question and answer period. I was waiting for the right moment to bring up my idea that every planet that would have life that can read should come with an instruction manual.
“Well, what do you know? Here we are, at our final meeting. How long do you think we need?”
“It should go pretty fast.”
“Good. Did you prepare an agenda?”
“Yes, I did. I thought we’d start with gravity, move on to magnetism, confirm food, and then cover a few elements of environmental variety that we haven’t discussed, like snow.”
“Snow? What’s that?”
“Something that happens to rain when it gets colder. I’ll get to it later.”
“What about the Q and A session?”
“I believe we scheduled that for the end.”
“Good. Then, please, proceed.”
“Thanks. First, let’s look at gravity.”
“What’s it for?”
“Do we want everything we invent to fly off the agglomerations and disappear into space?”
“Of course, not.”
“That’s why we came up with gravity. It’s this special power – force, but I know you don’t think much of that word – that makes everything that’s not attached to the planet stay put.”
“Sounds essential to me.”
“We should definitely include it.”
“Where’s it come from?”
“Oh, there are a variety of sources, because we need it in general distribution to help hold the entire invention together. But on the level of each agglomeration, it’s basically generated when the planet spins.”
“Excuse me. Wouldn’t that usually make things fly off?”
“Not in this case. The way we’re working gravity is, it actually pulls things toward the center of the planet.”
“Have you done the math?”
“Yeah. It was pretty straightforward.”
“I think he’s made a case for gravity. Let’s say we just go with it? You’ve got the votes. Please, move on.”
“Great. Next, we have something called magnetism.”
“Purpose, please?”
“Well, I have a little list.”
“The top line will do.”
“Let me give you a really convenient use for it. If all goes as planned, one day we’re going to have these pretty intelligent creatures, standing on this relatively big thing we call a planet, without a clue which end is up. This invention will let them figure that out.”
“Really?”
“Yep. Of course, once they know which end is up, they’ll also know which end is down.”
“Cool. Go on.”
“Sure thing. Anybody interested in the technology behind it?”
“An overview will do.”
“Of course. We plan to give the top of the agglomeration one magnetic charge and the bottom the opposite charge.”
“The usual binary stuff?”
“Right. Plus and minus; right, left; male, female. So pretty soon after we have creatures who are smart enough to care which end is up, they’ll learn that if they put a little piece of metal on a tiny axel it will be attracted to the top or bottom of the agglomeration, depending on the charge that’s there at the time.”
“It moves around?”
“Over time it can switch, yes. But for starters we think the little piece of metal should probably point up.”
“Would you call magnetism essential or just a convenience?”
“If I were a creature, I’d consider it absolutely essential.”
“All right, granted. Magnetism it is. What else?”
“Food.”
“Why food? I thought we covered that in an earlier meeting.”
“Let me check my notes, boss.”
“No need to. We did. I just want to review what we decided and make sure we’re all in agreement. I don’t want to hear any 'Why didn’t you tell us?' stuff when the universe is actually up and running.”
“Go ahead.”
“We know the creatures need energy, and food is the way they’re going to get it. So let’s review our choices. We can either have it shipped in or each planet can provide its own.”
“Having it shipped in feels kind of artificial to me. Every day this train of food arrives out of nowhere.”
“It would certainly be odd, especially considering that we plan for the universe to function in a perfectly natural way.”
“I’m against food shipments. I insist that the entire invention be self-sustaining.”
“You’re sure about that?”
“Of course. It certainly seems like a basic perfection to me.”
“I agree.”
“Oh, me, too. But that only leaves one choice.”
“What’s that?”
“They eat each other.”
“The creatures?”
“Yeah.”
“How happy can that make them?”
“Well, that depends on how you look at it. If all you see is part of the picture, it may not seem like such a great idea. On the other hand, if you see that the creatures have their own lives but they also contribute to the support of other creatures, it starts to make sense.”
“I see, everything has a dual role.”
“Yeah. What do you think?”
“Sounds workable. But will they have a choice about what they eat?”
“The smarter ones will.”
“And?”
“I think we said they should be free to make up their own minds. That’s part of the reason for making them smart, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is.”
“So what will their choices be?”
“Well, they can decide to eat plants and animals or just plants. I don’t think many of them will decide just to eat animals.”
“Why not?”
“We’re leaving that simple choice up to the simpler creatures. The smart ones will realize that a well-rounded diet is much better.”
“What if the smarter ones don’t like the idea of eating other animals?”
“They could get by on plants.”
“What about the simpler creatures? Do they ever eat the smarter ones?”
“There might be occasions. We have to trust the smarter ones to watch out.”
“OK. I’ve heard enough about food. I’m for the self-sustaining setup. All in favor? Excellent. I believe you have another subject to cover?”
“Yeah. Rain.”
“We already covered that.”
“Yes, we did. But only as rain.”
“What else is there?”
“I want to talk about some interesting concepts we have about how it might transform itself.”
“Transform itself? Why would it do that?”
“We figure it will be heat sensitive.”
“Hmm, go on.”
“When it gets hot, it could float up as something we’re calling steam.”
“Steam?”
“Yeah. We derived it from the idea of a stream. Just deleted the ‘tr’ because we thought the idea of transformation is evident without it.”
“It works for me. Anything else?”
“Yes, sir. When the temperature gets colder.”
“Of course. Up, down; hotter, colder.”
“Obviously, two is one of your favorite numbers.”
“Yeah, I love what you can do with it. One is so limiting, but as soon as you go to two, wow, the possibilities really get exciting.”
“Go on.”
“Right. When it gets a little colder, it could turn into something we call frost.”
“Which is?”
“Kind of a cold coating.”
“That’s it for rain?”
“No, no. Two more things.”
“Hey, this stuff is really quite versatile.”
“Yes, it is. And fun to work with, like when the sky gets even colder.”
“What happens then?”
“We get something I mentioned up front: snow.”
“Yes?”
“Now, instead of coming down as plain water, the rain comes down as these really cool white flakes.”
“Hey, that does sound like fun.”
“What happens when the frosty flakes hit the ground?”
“Sometimes they pile up.”
“And?”
“The ground can get what we call slippery.”
“Is that a problem?”
“It can be. Things can slide around and bang into each other. Creatures can slip.”
“Uh-oh. I don’t know if I like that.”
“But it can also be a pack of fun. Creatures young and old and slide on it. On balance, I like it as part of environmental variety.”
“Be quite pretty to see all that white stuff coming down.”
“Yeah, but water is heavy. Won’t the white things hurt the creatures when it lands?”
“Not the way we’re planning it. The flakes will actually be quite light. That’s why we call them flakes.”
“How did you arrive at that term?”
“We combined ‘floating’ and ‘lakes.’'’
“Oh, I see. Like floating lakes?”
“Right.”
“Lots of water, but light enough to float down?”
“Exactly.”
“Neat.”
“What about the long-term effects. I don’t want the land covered up with it forever.”
“Not to worry. As soon as the weather warms up, it becomes water again.”
“Good. Anything else for rain?”
“Just one more thing. We figured when the temp gets even lower, it could turn into something hard as a rock.”
“Why that?”
“Couple of reasons. First, rain that’s already on the ground as water. The hard stuff, which we’ve given the working name of ice, could form a layer on top of the water so, no matter how cold the sky gets, the covering would actually keep the creatures warmer.”
“I like that. We don’t want the water creatures to get too cold.”
“Especially not frozen. They’d be stiff and that would mean they couldn’t swim.”
“Nice. I like ice.”
“And get this. It will be slippery, just like the snow. So the creatures could have fun with it, too.”
“Sliding around on it?”
“Yeah. But we have a word for it that just seems to sound colder than skidding.”
“What?”
“Skating.”
“Ice skating?”
“Yeah. You should try it.”
“Whatever. You people are having entirely too much fun down in the lab.”
“Anything else?”
“Ice in the sky.”
“In the sky? I don't know about that.”
“Can you provide some clarification?”
“Sure. When the sky is cold, the rain could also fall down as ice balls.”
“Ice balls? Why have that?”
“Well, if we’re really serious about everything happening in a perfectly natural way, and we agree that when the temps get really cold, the water becomes ice, then, if the water happens to be falling from the sky when it’s really cold, it should be able to come down as ice.”
“Can you just assure me of one thing?”
“What?”
“I need you to keep the ice balls relatively small. I don’t want any enormous round things hammering the creatures.”
“Let me make a note of that. I’m sure we can build in a control.”
“Anything else?”
“No, sir. That actually about does it for inventions.”
“OK, great. Inspired work, really. Congratulations.”
“Thank you.”
“Can we have a hand for the entire team in tech?”
“Stop, you’re embarrassing me.”
“OK, then. What do you say we move to the Q & A session? Question, anybody?”
“Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do have one. I can understand how the simpler creatures will be happy. They’ll just do the basic things without thinking too much about life in general. My concern is the smarter creatures. We decided they’re going to be smart enough to think about themselves, right?”
“That’s the plan.”
“Here’s the question. Will being able to do that make them happier? I mean, if it doesn’t, why bother?”
“Well, I think that depends on the creature who’s doing the thinking.”
“In what way?”
“Different ones will have different opinions.”
“Are you saying some of them might not be happier?”
“I’m saying, if they’re as free as we agreed they should be, yes, some of them are bound to be less than jolly.”
“I’m not sure I like that.”
“Well, being able to decide that is consistent with our variety principle. If we’re true to it, we should allow for some of them to be really happy and others to be really unhappy.”
“It certainly seems that way to me.”
“I have a more basic question. If they have all these processes going on inside them just to keep them alive, how are they going to have time to think about anything but the processes?”
“Oh, no problem. We plan to put all those functions on autopilot.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. We figure, why make the creatures think about the billions of things that will be going on to keep them alive. We want to free them up to think about their lives, do things they actually want to do, and, my favorite subject, think about and discover the given.”
“The given?”
“What the universe is made of, how it works, etc.”
“Now, of course, you’re referring to the creatures who become scientists?”
“Yeah. They’re going to have a great time, trying to figure out all we put into this thing.”
“What else are the creatures going to think about?”
“I think we have to deal with the hard question.”
“Which is?”
“Well, the smartest creatures are going to realize they don’t last forever. How is that going to affect them?”
“Hmm, good question.”
“I think they should just do what my grandmother always told me and that’s to count their blessings.”
“Yeah, but that only goes so far. Put yourself in their position. You love another creature. Then the creature you love – “
“– careful now. Do not use the word I disapprove of, whatever you do.”
“Yes, sir. The other creature completes his or her life. What do you think? Happy, sad?”
“I’m surprised you’d ask. No way we want to invent creatures who would be happy at a time like that. How insensitive would that be? I would want creatures who would feel sad.”
“Me, too. But not forever.”
“Fine. But now let’s face up to the question in a general sense. How do they deal with the realization that none of them is going to live forever.”
“Well, let’s talk about that. Seems to me if they’re smart enough to consider such a question, they’re also smart enough to figure out the choices we had to make.”
“In what sense?”
“If every creature lived forever, how long would it take for the planet to fill up? After all, there’s only so much space.”
“Right. So pretty soon there wouldn’t be any room for new creatures.”
“Exactly. So I think realizing that should help them understand the overall idea we’re going with.”
“Which is?”
“Lifespans – for creatures, planets, whatever.”
“You mean, everything gets a certain share of the whole life of the universe?”
“Right. And if you value it – “
“– Hey, right. That’s it!”
“What?”
“The way they’ll finally be able to think.”
“Go on.”
“If they value life enough, they’ll know what a great thing it is to be part of, even if just for part of the whole thing.”
“Sounds like a reasonable conclusion to me.”
“Right. They’d realize some life is better than none. In fact, that it’s pretty fantastic, even if it can’t last forever.”
“Makes a tremendous amount of sense to me. How much of a share do you think each creature should have? Want to set an amount?”
“Seems kind of stiff and unnatural to me. What do you say we just go with our variety principle?”
“I don’t know about letting that go too far. What about the creatures whose lives happen to ‘end’ very early?”
“Sounds like a sad event, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, it does. But if the creatures realize, as I do, that even a moment of life is better than none at all, they should finally be able to make peace with such a sad loss.”
“OK, let’s say they learn to do that. The question I have is, what will they think of us?”
“That’s a very consequential question.”
“I think that, after all is said and done, we can only hope they realize we made what we think are the right decisions.”
“Yes, I think that’s right. Let me wax poetic here for a moment.”
“Go ahead. We could use some poetry about now.”
“Let’s say one evening there’s this intelligent creature, who happens to walk down to a lake that doesn’t have ice on it, because the weather is warm. He or she looks up and sees the blue sky with some white clouds in it. The sun is just going down on one crinkle of land or mountain, and it’s sending this rosy afterglow into the sky. Maybe there are some sky creatures that happen to fly overhead. On the other side of the lake, he or she sees a big piece of leftover material, which right now we’re calling a moon, that has already made its appearance, because it’s where it can reflect some of the sunlight. Now, he or she notices that the whole picture in the sky is reflected in the water.”
“The person sees the sky looking up and looking down?”
“Yeah. Remember, we said that’s what water would do – reflect things that are above it. Anyway, he or she or both of them, if they happen to be a couple, stand there and realize that because of what we did, they can experience such a beautiful sight. What do you think will go on in their minds?”
“I think they’d say, 'Wow, magnificent! I don’t know who invented it, but they sure did a great job.'”
“I hope so.”
“I have one more very interesting question.”
“What?”
“When one of the smart creatures ‘completes’ his or her life, or when these creatures just think about that happening, how much should they know?”
“Can you please clarify the question?”
“Well, should they know if something else does or doesn’t come after the lives they’re living?”
“That is a very interesting question.”
“Yes, it is. Why don’t we look at it from both sides?”
“Go on.”
“What if they know for sure there’s something afterward. What happens?”
“How much are they going to appreciate what they have?”
“Right. And what are we doing here, going to all this trouble to invent something wonderful if it’s just a stopover on the way to a better place?”
“Makes sense. Now, let’s suppose they know for sure there’s nothing after it. What now?”
“Hmm, any thoughts on that?”
“Well, it seems to me that the more they appreciate their lives, the more they’ll be able to come to terms with such a thought."
“It would seem that way. But what happens if we just leave the question open?”
“Can we do that?”
“I don’t see why not. We’re talking about what creatures know in the universe we’re inventing, not what they know about what might or might not be outside of it.”
“You’ve got a very convincing point there. They should be able to know everything that’s in what we’re inventing but what’s outside of it –
“
"– should, at least, not be their primary concern.”
“Well, I think it only would be if they didn’t see much in what we’ve done.”
“So what if we just leave the question unanswered and let them make up their own minds?”
“Like it. Sounds perfectly appropriate to me.”
“And it goes with – “
“– I know, I know, our variety principle.”
“I thought the variety thing was quite evident. I wasn’t going to say that.”
“Oh, sorry. What were you going to say?”
“That it goes with the idea that we said they should be free to make up their own minds.”
“Yes, it does. So let me recap. The smarter creatures can learn everything about what’s inside the universe we’re inventing and they can ask questions about what might or might not be outside of it.”
“I can’t imagine a better arrangement.”
“Neither can I. So that does it. My only hope is that these smart creatures appreciate what we invented enough to love whatever they want to think may or may not have invented it.”
“Hey, that brings up a really interesting question.”
“What?”
“Should there be a way for them to know about us?”
“What? They can’t realize we did things like make the place they get to live in magnificent – that blue sky, gold sun, the green plants, all the other creatures?”
“I guess if they’re as smart as we hope they are they’d be able to read a lot about us from that.”
“Right. They read backward from what we invented. It’s good, we’re good.”
“You mean, good overall? I mean, this freedom thing is going to allow for some really sorrowful events.”
“You want to abridge it?”
“No, not within the world they inhabit.”
“Right. Once it’s there, we butt out. How could they plan anything or feel any freedom and dignity if we were always stepping in and changing the rules?”
“I’ll go along with that. But let’s just suppose they want to express some appreciation for what we’ve done? What can they do?”
“What do you think?”
“I’ll tell you what. The first thing they can do is take good care of what we invented. I mean, show some respect for their lives and do the best they can with them.”
“Yeah, some respect for the entire invention.”
“If the smart creatures can’t figure out something that basic, I’m going to be one disappointed dude. And it’s back to the lab for you.”
“They’ll be fine. They may need some time to catch on, but, I can assure you, they’ve got what it takes.”
“You made sure of that?”
“We did our best. The rest if up to them. More would start to impinge on their freedom.”
“You’re right. Let’s go with that. They can show their appreciation by taking care of what they can experience. Anything else is an optional extra.”
“Agreed. We don’t need empty praise while they take their eyes off the ball. We’re above that, right?”
“We certainly are. However, I’m not too against empty praise as long as they do keep their eyes on the ball.”
“Whatever suits them.”
“Wisely said. I think we’ve got wrap.”
“Can I just ask one thing, boss?”
“Sure.”
“I brought the subject up before, but I can’t resist one more try. I think it might really be helpful if the planets that have life on them that’s smart enough to read come with an instruction manual. I mean, even the simple things they learn to make, like radios and TV’s, will come with instruction manuals. And there they are, looking at this big complex thing called the universe, and there’s no instruction manual.”
“OK. Let’s say for a moment we gave them one, and it had all the answers in it, including how to make everything they would ever discover how to make. Wouldn’t that be kind of an insult to their intelligence?”
“Interesting point. I mean, if we’re giving them brains that are appropriate to their needs, why would we take away the chance to use them?”
“Besides, where are you going to put this instruction manual? On a rock, where they’ll see it one day? It all sounds kind of unnatural to me.”
“I agree. It’s just another way of saying we don’t trust what we invented to function on its own. Besides, I like giving them challenges that make them use their brains right down to the last brain cell – or why did we put that last brain cell there?”
“I completely agree. So that does it. Can the instruction manual.”
“But, boss. Let’s go beyond the basics for a moment to spiritual stuff. If we don’t give them an instruction manual, they won’t know what to believe. They’ll develop all kinds of different beliefs, and that could cause problems.”
“Seems like a natural development to me. But I think you’re talking about the early days. Do we or do we not expect these creatures to last for millions of years?”
“At least, where they behave as intelligently as they’ve been given the ability to.”
“So in time they should figure out that the world they behold is one truth and that, if their beliefs grow out of it, they should pretty much agree on a set of beliefs. You care about the gizmo, you have all the beliefs you need, including how to make us happy.”
“And, hopefully, you can see that we believe in them enough to give them the freedom to learn things on their own, so they should read that as it’s right to give other creatures the freedom to believe whatever they want to.”
“As long, course, if they don’t hurt anybody.”
“I don’t know. This all sounds a little optimistic to me.”
“Sorry, we absolutely must trust what we invented. So forget the manual.”
“OK, OK. You win. No instruction manual. They have to figure out everything for themselves. Hey, how about if we compromise?”
“What do you mean?”
“My notes. Can I at least share them with the creatures who can read?”
“The meeting notes?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know about that. Won’t it tell them too much about what’s outside of what we’re inventing?”
“Hmm, I tell you what. I’ll think about it and let you know.”
“Thanks, boss. I can’t ask for more than that.”
“OK, then. Just let us know when you’re ready to launch the universe. I’d like to be there.”
“Will do.”
“Got a timeframe for the big birth?”
“We should be ready for a go in about a week.”
“All right! Looking forward to it!”
“I think we all are. See you then.”
So our final meeting came to an end. We had now invented the universe. Soon, we would be ready to rev it up and send it for a spin. And just think! If this universe worked well, who knows? We could decide to go into mass production. I was especially glad that the big boss might give me the go-ahead to release my meeting notes. And guess what? He finally came around. But, of course, now you know that, because you just read them. Enjoy the universe. We sure enjoyed making it. And remember, happy times or sad, we did our very best.
By Tom Attea
The End of the Beginning
The Invention of Land Creatures
Part Seven of The Invention of Everything;
An Eyewitness Account
When today’s meeting began, there was a special excitement in the air. We had invented the creatures that would go in the water and the air. Now, we were going to invent the land creatures. Once we decided on them, we’d have creatures for all the places where there would be places for them.
“Today’s the big day. We finish inventing creatures. Did you bring any prototypes?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Excellent. Why don’t you take the lead?”
“Thank you. I’ll get to the examples I brought in a moment, but first I’d like to give you an overview of what we have in mind in tech.”
“Please, go ahead.”
“Thank you. As I said in the previous meeting, we plan to utilize the creatures we already have in the water to get some up onto the land.”
“Can you provide some specifics?”
“Of course. Since we already have creatures in the water and in the sky, guess what? Some of them are already spending some time walking on the land.”
“How do they get there?”
“How else? They’re walking around on the bottom of the water. Sometimes, they walk out onto the beach.”
“Makes sense. Can you provide a for instance?”
“Sure. Lobsters.”
“Yes, I can see that.”
“And remember the water birds? Sometimes they fly onto the land.”
“I assume they would.”
“But now we get to the key event. We have these fish that would like to get up onto the land but they can’t.”
“Why not?”
“They don’t have legs.”
“Oh, right. Just tails they wiggle back and forth against the water.”
“Right, but they have one other ingredient that helps them keep their balance.”
“What’s that?”
“Fins.”
“Fins?”
“Yes. We derived the terminology from 'fish inserts.' Now, the fish I’m talking about keep poking their heads out of the water near the land and thinking, Wow, what a lot of uninhabited real estate. It looks inviting, too, because by now we have the land plants.”
“How did we get those?”
“Remember the plants in the water?”
“Yeah.”
“We decided some of them could wash up onto the land and start to grow there. We also plan to have water birds bring some of the seeds and scraps farther inland on their feet. The wind will help out, too.”
“How can water plants grow on the land?”
“What? You think we programmed dumb plants? They’re not only made up of our perfectly responsive atoms and molecules; they consist of plant cells, which know they’re in a do-or-die situation. So they do what we call adopt the land. Excuse me, I mean, adapt to the land.”
“They adapt, not adopt?”
“Well, whatever. Let me put it this way. They behave like orphans who want to be adopted and make all the changes they have to so they can be at home on the land.”
“Smart. So we have plants.”
“Right. And these fish, longing to get up onto the land. For a long time, all they can do is flap their fins. But over a few eons their bodies realize that the fins have to change into – “
“– legs!”
“Right. Neat, huh?”
“Solid, baby.”
“Thanks. So they become what we call amphibians, as in 'I am not fibbing; I have legs and can travel in the water and on the land.' Eventually, some of them like it on land so much they decide to stay there. Since they don’t need to swim anymore, some would even lose the ability.”
“So now we have our first dedicated land creatures?”
“Yes, we do.”
“What happens next?"
"Simple as a dimple. They get together to reproduce and over time they diversify into creatures that fit into every little niche where they can find what they need, principally, food, water, and, of course, mates.”
“Can we see some examples?”
“Sure. Mind if I use projections for the first land creatures. They’re too big to get into the room.”
“Why so big?”
“We figure they can sort of tamp down the land for the ones that come later.”
“Good thought.”
“Now, this is what we call a brontosaurus.”
“Wow, is that to scale?”
“Yeah, but don’t worry. It’s a vegetarian. But adaptation to land entails a response to all the forms of available food. So here we have something called tyrannosaurus rex.”
“Would you look at those choppers?”
“Yeah. It’s a meat eater.”
“Are you sure you didn’t overdo it? I wouldn’t want to meet up with that guy or gal on a hike in the woods.”
“Well, the first two I showed you are extremes. There are all kinds of the same sort of creatures in between. We call the collection dinosaurs.”
“Dinosaurs?”
“Yeah. It stands for ‘dine on anything.' The important item to note is the trend.”
“What’s that?”
“We intend to start with really big creatures that are just smart enough to enjoy life’s basic pleasures – like being aware of their environment, getting around in it, eating, and reproducing.”
“Then?”
“Over time we plan to have creatures that will be smaller but, in some cases, smarter. Eventually, we expect to have one kind of creature that can even begin to appreciate what we’ve invented.”
“Really? Now, that’s interesting. Is there a specific way you measure the difference in intelligence between the dinos and the appreciators?”
“We have a benchmark.”
“May I ask what it is?”
“Yeah. Enough intelligence to have fire trucks.”
“Why fire trucks?”
“Well, remember that the earth is still hot in the middle?”
“OK.”
“And it is, in its own way, really alive – all these atoms and molecules, vibrating and moving around, and it’s warm, not stone cold all the way through. So, like any living thing, it keeps changing. For instance, the land that’s under the water sometimes gets to spend time being the tops of mountains, and the tops of mountains get to spend time being the bottom of the water.”
“How does that happen?”
“The land is floating around on the molten center.”
“Molten?”
“It’s just a fancy word Morton invented for 'melted.' As I noted in a previous meeting, the center of the agglomeration is hot enough to melt steel. In fact, it’s made of melted steel.”
“Heavy thought. What do you call the land that’s floating around on top of it?”
“Plates.’”
“Plates?”
“Yeah. But no relation to dinner plates. Much, much bigger. Anyway, as they move around, they rub against each other, slide under each other, etc., and, in the process, they form dips where the water goes and crinkles that become mountains.”
“Neat process. I can see the whole thing right now. What about the creatures? How do they take the ride?”
“It happens so slowly they don’t even know about it, that is, until we get the smarter creatures, who may figure it out. But even they don’t experience much of a disturbance, especially when you consider the entire gizmo is spinning around itself, circling the source of the heat and light, and moving out from where it started.”
“When we staged the birth of the universe?”
“Right.”
“I love that phrase. It’s so touching.”
“Me, too. I think it has to do with the word 'birth.' Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to the creatures.”
“Don’t let me stop you.”
“Thanks. Now, as part of our principle of infinite appropriate or, at least, feasible variety, once in a while things get too hot.”
“How?”
“Oh, various ways. The melted steel under a mountain might build up some pressure and blow its top.”
“Don't tell me. And out comes the melted steel?”
“With lots of flying rocks and ashes. Anyway, over time, the entire mess can cool down and become new land.”
“Very good. Fresh real estate.”
“Always. There’s only one complication, which brings us to the fire trucks.”
“What’s that?”
“Some of the plants will catch on fire.”
“Can’t you just have some water show up and put it out?”
“Yes, we can. You remember rain?”
“Yeah.”
“If it happens to fall back down where there’s a fire, it can put it out. Otherwise, we’d have to have something unnatural happen. I think we decided that once we launch the thing, we let ‘er rip.”
“Right. We’re quality builders. I insist that the universe we invent can function on its own. When it rolls out of here, it’s history.”
“Absolutely. No mechanic in the trunk, at least, that’s the goal.”
“Of course. Can we get back to the fire?”
“Yep.”
“What happens?”
“Usually, it just burns until there aren’t anymore plants near enough to catch on fire.”
“Sounds like a big fire. We don’t want too, too many. I want the creatures to have nice lives, at least, overall.”
“I know you do, and we keep that goal constantly before us.”
“Any other thing that can cause them?”
“Yes, there is. The heat and light we put up in the sky can dry the plants out, especially when the rain doesn’t fall for a long time, so they can catch on fire even without a mountain losing its top. Finally, a really big event we settled on has a place in the mix.”
“What’s that?”
“Remember when we decided that the dust we’re using to make the agglomerations wouldn’t all go into picture-perfect planets?”
“Right. A lot of the unused stuff would still be floating around. It felt more natural to have some of this and some of that.”
“Exactly. Anyway, the space we’re working with, especially in terms of a source of heat and light and the planets that spin around it, is limited. So inevitably one of these pieces of leftover stuff and a planet would attempt to occupy the same space at the same time.”
“Uh, oh. You mean they’d bang into each other.”
“Seems like an inevitable intersection to me.”
“That’s correct. All our mathematical models show it has a place in the mix. Of course, once in a while, the piece of leftover building material would be pretty big, so there would be quite an impact. It could cause a fire, too.”
“I’ll bet. Might even knock some of the molten stuff out of the center of the planet, right?”
“Yeah. Suddenly, volcanoes and plant fires all over the place.”
“And still no fire trucks?”
“Unfortunately, not at this stage. But actually that’s part of the plan.”
“How so?”
“Well, by the time one of these giant pieces of leftover material slams into a planet, the big initial creatures would have been around for quite a few eons, and we’d like to make room for the smaller and, in some cases, smarter creatures.”
“We’re going to knock off all these big beauties?”
“How can we do that?”
“Well, think about it. The agglomeration is only so big, right? Nothing leaves, pretty soon there’s no room for anything new.”
“You’ve got a point there. So?”
“We went with the idea that each kind of creature would have a certain share of the overall lifespan of the agglomeration.”
“You mean all the creatures don’t last as long as the planet can play host?”
“Right. Everybody gets a share.”
“With plenty of time to do what each creature is most likely to do?”
“Exactly.”
“Sounds right. Anybody know how else to make room for new creatures?”
“What if we give the dinosaurs a means of transportation to another agglomeration?”
“First of all, we’d be interfering. And second of all, they won’t be smart enough to pilot them. I mean, you really have to get into this thing unfolding in a natural way or all kinds of complications start to arise.”
“OK, OK. Then it’s settled. After the dinos have been around for a long time –"
“– I absolutely insist on being generous. How about 100 million years or so?”
“We took your always benevolent inclinations into account. How about 150 million years?”
“Done. Go on. There’s a big fire.”
“And, as I said, there are no fire trucks. So the fires keep burning. The sky fills with smoke. Not enough light and heat can get through it. The planet gets cold and the dinosaurs – “
“– don’t say that word. You know my position on that.”
“Right. The dinosaurs do not – whatever – they complete, or end, their lifespan on the particular agglomeration.”
“And all because they didn’t have fire trucks.”
“Yeah. Well, if we’re going to let a planet start from scratch and go through its lifecycle on its own, we can’t very well start with a big red fire truck sitting there, and the dinosaurs driving them around.”
“Doesn’t seem at all like a natural development to me.”
“Please, continue. But remember. Never say ‘die.’”
“Believe me, I learned my lesson. Now, what’s the eventuality? You’ll be delighted to know that over time, and I mean a good deal of time, the smoke clears away and the dust settles back down. So the heat and light can get through again.”
“And the whole thing starts over again?”
“Almost. Some creatures will make the transition.”
“Good. But how do you plan to work that?”
“We figure that some of the water creatures will stay cool enough to make it. Of course, some of the ones that remain amphibians can skedaddle back into the water. And some of the smaller land creatures will find hideouts, especially the ones that don’t need too much heat or fresh air. We restart with those.”
“And?”
“Well, now that we’ve done big dumb, we think it’s time for small smart.”
“Seems like an appropriate variation. Where do we get the new critters?”
“Well, after the big fire and the clearing sky, the conditions are a bit different. Naturally, some of the creatures start changing into whatever’s just right.”
“In what sense?”
“Well, for instance, if we’re going to have smarter creatures, they have to be able to do more than walk around and grab food. So the smarts we programmed into them will go to work and develop, not only feet, but hands.”
“Really? They’re going to have those, too?”
“Got another way for them to have something that helps them do more with their increasing intelligence?”
“I think you’re right. Please, proceed.”
“So here’s the deal. They sit around all day and try to do more and more with these hands. Some of them finally even develop what we call a thumb.”
“A thumb?”
“Yeah. We took it from the thought, When a creature has one of these, it won’t be dumb.”
“Thumb, not dumb?”
“Right.”
“I like that."
"Me, too."
"Good. Let me show you what I mean. I have a mockup. See, four things we call fingers and this fifth thing we call a thumb."
"Interesting development. Keep going.”
“Well, watch this. See how the thumb works with the four other fingers. Neat, huh?”
“Whoever would’ve thought just one more digit could make such a big difference?”
“Yeah. And imagine looking at your hands all day and thinking, I know I can do a lot of things with these, but I just don’t seem to have enough brains. And what happens? You got it! The thought sends a signal to the brain: Can you please get smarter? And, over time, guess what? The brain catches on and meets the request.”
“Wow. How?”
“It develops into a more complex central processor.”
“Of course. Excellent.”
“Thanks. Now, let me show you some examples of smarter creatures. They’re waiting outside. OK, you can come in now. Please, if you’ll just stand right here. I’ll take the one that’s in the cage. See this one? One of the first to develop with feet and hands. We call it a monkey.”
“A monkey?”
“Yeah. The ‘mon’ part stands for “moronic by comparison” with some of the later creatures but the ‘key’ stands for the fact that it's the key to getting significantly brighter creatures.”
“'Mon-key? Nifty.”
“Glad you approve. Anyway, since the monkeys are the first ones with feet and only pretty functional hands, they aren’t that smart, so they don’t listen well. That’s the reason for the cage. But as you can see, all the other ones understand enough to listen. Excuse me. Could you please arrange yourselves in order of appearance? Thank you. See how they gradually change from looking more like the monkey until we get to this guy and gal, who look the least like the little guy in the cage?”
“Suddenly, so little hair. Why so?”
“Oh, it seems like a less beastly motif. But notice that they have plenty on top and a sparse distribution elsewhere. We were trying to differentiate the new series, and the first thing we thought of is, Hey, why not let them stand on their own two feet, to free their hands up completely. But they still looked pretty much the same. Then we noticed the obvious. They were all covered with about the same amount of hair. From then on it was a no-brainer. We decided to take the wrapping off and saw right away that more brains, less hair seemed like a natural marker.”
“I can see that. Won’t they get cold?”
“At times, but, hey, they’re smart, right?”
“So they figure out how to cover themselves with things.”
“Yes, they do.”
“Talk a little about those two at the head of the line.”
“You used the right word.”
“What, ‘head’?”
“Yeah. They’ve got some pretty good ones on their shoulders. You can say hello if you want to.”
“Hi, there.”
“Nice to meet you.”
“Hold it. You mean they can even talk like us?”
“Hey, why not? We figured, How smart can they be if they can’t talk?”
“Gotcha.”
“Wonderful. I just love that idea. Land creatures that can talk just like us!”
“Fantastic! You guys in tech never cease to amaze me.”
“We do our best. You can go now. And please take the monkey with you. Thanks. OK, that’s the top line on the land creatures, at least, as far as we need to go into it at this session. Of course, there'll be whole lot of smaller creatures, like bugs and worms. But they're a given. ”
"I think you covered those sufficiently in the previous session. Anything else?"
“I'd just like to ask if you're planning for even smarter creatures than this last group?"
“Right now they're just a hypothesis. I think we want to see how the last entry in the series does."
"The couple at the head of the line?"
"Yeah. We think they'll be smart enough to manage. If they turn out to be unequal to the challenge of life with thumbs and bigger brains, they're programmed to request an improvement.”
“Good. I need you to get the whole thing right from the get-go.”
“We are doing our very best. Anybody need anymore detail on the land creatures?”
“Exactly how smart are the latest thumb creatures?”
“Well, you know, as the saying goes, ‘Vanitas, even among the Gods.’”
“'Toss' what?”
“Translation, ‘vanity.’”
“Oh. What, we have a weakness?”
“Well, I don’t know about you, but after all the work we’re putting into inventing the universe, we thought there should at least be one creature who’s smart enough to appreciate our handiwork and even understand a certain amount of it.”
“Well, the potential is there, so realizing it seems more right than just pretending it’s not a possibility.”
“Actually, I don’t see any downside.”
“Well, let’s talk about that. All the creatures, wherever they are, will be able to appreciate what we did to a certain extent, won’t they? I mean, they’ll be alive. They’ll see, hear, feel, smell, and taste things. They’ll reproduce. Sleep, wake. The usual drill.”
“Yeah, but most of them aren’t going to be able to think about their own lives by standing outside of themselves and saying, ‘Hey, look at me. I’m a monkey in the woods. What should I do with my life?’”
“No?”
“No. They’ll just be into enjoying life in all the basic ways, mostly physical with enough mental ability to get done whatever they’re capable of.”
“I think you’re saying that the smartest ones will have the capacity to think about their own lives?”
“Yes, we are.”
“Will they even be able to decide whether or not they like our handiwork?”
“I think we should give that a go.”
“I’d say they’re all bound to think, Wow, look at the land, the water, the sky, the heat and light, the plants, the other creatures, and I get to be part of it, so aren’t I lucky? So they’re bound to like us.”
“Well, I think we should have the courage to let them make up their own minds. You just know there will be some dissenters.”
“I suppose, and, going back to our variety principle, I think you're right. Let them decide for themselves, regardless of where they come out.”
“I concur. As soon as we slap a restraint on them, it’s like we don’t trust our own craftsmanship and, out of respect for the ladies in the lab and right here in this room, our craftswomanship.”
“Well said.”
“Thanks. As I mentioned earlier, we’d even like them to be able to discover how things work. In fact, if you don’t mind, we’d like to give them enough intelligence to become scientists.”
“Now that is a bit of vanity, making them scientists, too.”
“You’ll have to excuse me, but we really like the idea.”
“I’ll go for it as long as we can have some esthetically minded creatures among them. You know I’m a beauty maven.”
“I want all kinds of variations. So there we have it – scientists, artists, and, of course, plenty of folks just to enjoy what those two groups manage to do."
"Don't forget business types. Somebody's got to support all this science and art."
"Of course. But go on. I’d like to know just how much these creatures will be able to understand?”
“We thought we’d be daring and let them figure out anything about the universe."
"Anything? I don't know about that."
"I mean, such as what it’s made of and how it works.”
“How about how it got there?”
“From what we decided to call the birth of the universe on.”
“You mean, we limit it to the post partum stuff?”
“Right. What about why it’s there in the first place?”
“There will be limits, and we're going to give them a pet that helps them understand their situation."
"What kind of pet?"
"We call it a dog."
"A dog?"
"Yeah."
"How does it help?"
"When these creatures talk to it, it will have this ability to cock its head to the side, like this, and look at them as if it's trying to understand. But they'll realize it never really does. It just looks that way."
"And that reminds them of their own situation in terms of the questions we decide are beyond them?"
"Right. They'll know they're not alone
with certain limits. But now we've gotten into material I'd like to reserve for our question and answer period.”
“I agree. I think we’ve done enough for today. Between the ones in the water, the sky, and on the land, my mind is literally overrun with creatures. Anything else you want to say before we close the meeting?”
“Only that we’ve really had a great fun thinking them all up.”
“The work shows it. You really got into it. Before we adjourn, may I ask what’s on tap for next session, which, I assume should be our last, at least, on this project?”
“It should be. We just have to settle on some details, like gravity and magnetism, after which we’ll have our Q & A session? Then I think it’ll be a wrap.”
“Sounds like a plan. Extraordinary effort. I think we’re on our way to a promising universe. See you all tomorrow for our final and, I trust, infinitely satisfying meeting.”
So now we had invented the creatures. Thinking back over the developments, I never would’ve thought so much would depend on fire trucks. The next session looked like the last one we’d need before we moved into major production and distribution. After the Q & A period, I planned to bring up my idea that every planet where life can develop should come with an instruction manual. I haven’t got a clue how the idea will go over. But I’m hoping for a green light.
By Tom Attea
The Invention of Water And Air reatures
Part Six of The Invention of Everything;
An Eyewitness Account
Now, the stage was set. We had land, water, the sky, heat and light, and our first invention, a way for whatever creatures we would invent to reproduce and have a great time doing so. Now, we were ready to develop the actual creatures who would inhabit the invention. Today we were scheduled to start with the ones that would go in the water and air.
“I want to congratulate everybody for your work so far. It’s because of your dedication and contributions that we can now invent the creatures who will inhabit the universe. I understand you brought some prototypes.”
“Yes, I did. I thought some samples would be helpful.”
“Excellent. Is there any special way you’d like to proceed?”
“Actually, there is.”
“How so?”
“From the bottom up.”
“Where’s the bottom?”
“Didn’t we say the water would go where it’s low?”
“Yes, we did.”
“So what could be lower than the bottom of the water?”
“Not much, at least, as far as creatures are concerned.”
“Good. Then let’s follow your lead and start there. What do you have?”
“To get things started, hot water.”
“Way down there? I didn’t know the heat we’re putting way up in the sky would get down that far?”
“It doesn’t. This heat comes from way down under.”
“Can you elaborate?”
“Sure. When the original agglomerations we decided to call planets take shape, they’re really hot items. In fact, during the first few billion years or so, you wouldn’t want to sit down on one.”
“That hot, huh?”
“Enough to melt steel.”
“So what happens?”
“What else? Over the millennia, they cool down, I mean, at least on the surface, or else where are the creatures going to be comfortable?”
“Got ya.”
“I see where you’re going. There’s still heat toward the middle that finds its way out.”
“Right. And, of course, that leads to – “
“– hot water!”
“Which facilitates the socializing of the atoms and molecules.”
“Ah, ha! So we have a hot time in the old water tonight.”
“If you need to look at it that way. Anyway, the water’s boiling hot, the atoms and the molecules are rubbing up against each other and combining this way and that. And out of this really happening whirlpool bath of attraction and repulsion we get molecular couples, families, extended families, etc.”
“And then?”
“Eventually, they combine into creatures that are just right for the environment.”
“Got a name for that?”
“Yeah. We call it ‘Survival Of The Ones That Fit.’”
“Sounds right. Go on.”
“Mind if I go to the tank?”
“Please. But I’d like to move through this aspect of creatures. I’m looking forward to inventing the ones that go on land. I understand we plan to make some of them intelligent enough to understand a bit about what we plan to accomplish. ”
“Now, mustn’t jump ahead. The ones that go in the water and in the sky are every bit as important.”
“Fine. Tech will be tech. Go ahead.”
“Here we have something that actually lives under the bottom. “
“Under it?”
“What? You want to waste all that room?”
“No way. I want creatures wherever they can fit.”
“That’s the principle we’re working with down in the lab: maximum appropriate variety.”
“My sentiments exactly. What do you call that creature?”
“A sandworm. Of course, there are different kinds, but let’s just group them under the heading 'sandworms.'”
“Gotcha.”
“We’ve also got all kinds of sand bugs.”
“I might have guessed. I think we can allow you to work out the details on those. Just stay pretty much with six legs for all those whatchamacallits?"
"Insects. Will do. Mind if some can walk and fly?"
"Sounds like a good mix. What’s next?”
“Well, right here we have, as you’ll notice, a prototype that’s standing on the bottom without moving.”
“What do you call that?”
“Actually, we have two types. This green one that’s just standing around is a typical example of what we decided to call a plant, in this case, seaweed. But notice this other critter that’s just standing on the rock, waving it’s colorful arms. It may look like a plant, but actually it’s what we intend to call an animal.”
“No kidding? I thought only plants were just going to stand around?”
“That was the original concept, but we thought about it and decided, Hey, why not have some rudimentary creatures that just sort of stand around, too?”
“Seems that there should be a place for such creatures. How does that one function?”
“See the tiny wavy things?”
“Yeah.”
“They’re called cilia. We talked about those when we discussed reproduction. Remember?"
"Who could forget? I think we all enjoyed that session."
"Enabled the entire thing we're inventing. But go ahead."
"You might like to know that the name 'cilia" is derived from the irrepressible thought that, vital as they are, they can at times look a bit silly, waving away with no apparent reason. In this case, waving them is actually how the creature attracts food.”
“Food?”
“As you remember, all the creatures need energy. And food is the way they’re going to get it.”
“Got a name for the process by which it locates and intakes food?”
“Yeah. We call it ‘Natural Food Selection.’”
“All right! Like it!”
“Thanks. For short, we call it ‘eating.’”
“Understood. Please, continue.”
“What’s that other thing stuck to the bottom?”
“This item with the round hands over itself?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s the middle ground. It can attach itself to something but it can also crawl around.”
“What do you call it?”
“These we call clams and these mussels.”
“What’s the diff’?”
“Well, the word ‘clam’ refers to a defensive tactic. Watch when I move my finger toward it. See how it clams up?”
“Neato. What about the other term?”
“That covers the means of locomotion. Notice this one that's on the move. See. It pokes out of the shell and kind of muscles its way around.”
“Interesting concept. What’s that creature crawling around on the bottom?”
“We call that a lobster.”
“Why is that?”
“You see these sharp, two-fingered hands? They use them to lob food around. Ergo, lobsters.”
“How can something that moves that slow possibly get food?”
“The plan is it eats things that fall to the bottom.”
“Dead things?”
“I asked you not to use that word. Remember, anything that lives never dies. It just completes its life.”
“How about just “ends it’?”
“Whatever, as long as you don’t say ‘die.’ What an injustice to the whole process. As the creatures live, they save their lives. So they don’t just die. Got it?”
“Yes, boss. Sorry about that.”
“Please, go on.”
“OK. So this guy or gal just crawls around on the bottom and eats things that fall there.”
“You seem to have this part of the water pretty much under control. Can we move on from the bottom?”
“I have a few more things to cover.”
“Sounds like more detail work. Take care of it down in the lab.”
“No problem. Next, we have the things that get around by the process I noted at an earlier meeting, called ‘swimming.’ Anybody need a review?”
“I think we all remember. You can continue.”
“OK. See all these colorful little guys and gals. They’re what we call fish.”
“Fish?”
“Yeah. It’s a combo we worked out from the wish that we could come up with creatures that can move through the water really fast, even though it's quite thick, say, in comparison with air. So 'fast' plus ‘wish’ led to ‘fish.’"
"Works for me.”
“Me, too. And the fish swim?”
“Right.”
“Why only little ones?”
“We’re limited by how big a tank I could get in here.”
“Of course.”
“We're also working on a whale of a demo tank ."
"Good. Look forward to seeing your work as it evolves."
"Fortunately, the bigger ones function pretty much the same way as the little ones. For instance, see how they're wiggling their tails back and forth?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s the principle behind all of them, no matter how big they get.”
“I remember. They push the water this way and that with their tails and the water pushes back, so they go forward?”
“Right on, baby! Except when you get to most of the biggest creatures in the water.”
“What happens then?”
“They move their tails up and down. We thought it was a necessary variation.”
“I’ll go along with that. You were talking about developing a way for the creatures in the water to breathe. How’d you manage that?”
“Gil had an insight, so we call it gills. Let me take this little fella out and demonstrate for a moment. Excuse me, he’s kind of feisty. Got ya! OK, now look here. See these little red things just behind its head.”
“Yeah. Those the gills?”
“Right.”
“How do they work?”
“The fish uses its mouth and these flaps to move water over them, and the little red wonders nip out the O2 and give back CO2.”
“Which the plants in the water can’t wait to breathe in?”
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