HEY, USA

Department of Homeland Security Names Terrorist Targets;
Includes Flea Market And Popcorn Factory

The department of homeland security released its list of likely terrorist targets in the US and, in so doing, revealed how it devastatingly misallocated funds to protect the nation from terrorists, setting aside a disproportionate amount to the safely sequestered hinterlands while shorting prime targets like New York City, Los Angeles, and Washington.

In fact, the selected terrorists targets make the DHS sounds like boobies tossing darts at a map of the country. For instance, on the vaunted register, called The National Asset Database, we find such high-value targets as the Sweetwater Flea Market and the Amish Country Popcorn factory.

The database is apparently so inversely proportional to true consequence that Indiana has the most potential targets for terrorism of any state, with 8,591, while New York only has 5,687 and California has just 3,212.

And this is the very database that Homeland Security used to guide its allocation of antiterrorism funds. All of which goes a long way toward explaining why the new program reduced funding for New York City and Washington by 40%, but increased it for high-risk cities like Louisville, KY and Omaha, NB.

“We don’t find it embarrassing,” Jarrod Agen, the department’s deputy press secretary, said. “The list is a valuable tool.”

Other entries in the database that provoked severely fretted brows are the likes of a petting zoo in Alabama, a Mule Day Parade in Tennessee, Nix’s Check Cashing, an ice cream parlor, a tackle shop, a donut shop, and a bean festival.

The selections are so off the wall that even the people the funds are allocated to protect are puzzled by their designation.

“Seems like someone has gone overboard,” stated Larry Buss, who organizes the Apple and Pork Festival in Clinton, IL.

Angela McNabb, who manages the Sweetwater Flea Market fifty miles from Knoxville, Tenn., reported, “I don’t know where they get their information. We are talking about a flea market here.”

“Now we know why the Homeland Security grant formula came out as wacky as it was,” Senator Charles E. Schumer, Democrat of New York.

At least, the inspector general has stepped in to recommend that the department review the list and determine which of the “extremely insignificant” assets should remain and which should be relegated to the safekeeping of remoteness.

Mr. Agen did say he agreed that his agency should provide better directions for the states and would do so in the future.

Meanwhile, the owner of Amish Country Popcorn, Brian Lehman, commented, “I am out in the middle of nowhere. We are nothing but a bunch of Amish buggies and tractors out here. No one would care.” But then he had an insight that entirely justifies the inclusion of his factory and its five employees: “Maybe because popcorn explodes?”

We have a more likely idea: the list was prepared by Osama Bin Laden as a secret tactic to divert funds away from the targets he so dearly would like to incinerate.

RETURN TO HOME