WEATHER AND POLLUTION

WHY THE MIDWEST IS FLAT

After an extensive geological survey, Kansas State University has discovered why the Midwest is flat. There are simply too many fat people walking on it.

Apparently, before the advent of obese human habitation, the Midwest was home to an extensive  mountain range.  What made the peaks plantar?

Seismological tests conducted by the university revealed that, when a person who weighs over 250 pounds rises on the ball of his or her foot to take a step, he or she exerts enough pressure to crush a miniscule amount of granite into a fine power.  Over time, the constant wearing away can, like the gradual grinding of seashells into sand by wave action, reduce even the tallest peak to a flatland.  The granite eventually devolves into soil that provides a particularly fertile growing environment for prairie grass and wheat.  Hence, the Midwest as we now know it.

Over-consumption of fast food is held largely responsible.  Part of the cause is also attributed to the nearby state of Idaho, which is unexpectedly still quite mountainous, since its inhabitants have had a longtime penchant for consuming and exporting potatoes, which are generally served in the state, out of loyalty to Idaho’s economic foundation, at all three meals, seven days a week.  Besides consumption by state residents, visitors to Idaho are invariably asked by local wait staffs, not, “Would you like potatoes?” but the more assertive, “How would you like your potatoes?”

It’s obviously too late to get the mountains back in place in the country’s midsection, so if you’d like to enjoy some altitudes, the researchers suggest you get an early start, since, wherever there’s a lovely height, there’s sure to be a tour bus from the Midwest on the way.

The sad fact is, no mountainous region seems safe from the tread of overweight humans, whatever its locale.  One must even be concerned about, until recently, the relatively unassailable heights of Mt. Everest.  With more and more people making it to the summit, how long can it be before a resourceful bus line discovers a way up – an event that will no doubt begin the long decline of its eminence until, where Everest once stood, there will no more than waving fields of grain.

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